


Reality

by lusthees



Category: Produce 101 (TV), X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: 02z best boys, Angst, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, I MISS DEULCHASANG WTF!!!!!!, Love Triangles, M/M, Unrequited Love, happy ending!, it just takes 13 chapters to get there OOPS, starring deulcha bffiez sad boi minhee clueless eunsang and passive aggressive junho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:55:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 65,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22538917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lusthees/pseuds/lusthees
Summary: Minhee was enchanted by small details like this, and with every new detail about Eunsang he learned, he wanted to discover more.Nobody had ever made him feel this giddy and fluttery, and that terrified Minhee even more.Is this what love is? If this is love, then why do I feel so afraid?Why don’t I understand these feelings?—alternatively, in which minhee fake dates his best friend’s ex who he’s been in love with for years
Relationships: Cha Junho/Lee Eunsang, Kang Minhee/Lee Eunsang
Comments: 22
Kudos: 138





	1. The Idea of Love

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is a flashback/introduction, therefore it will be written in past tense!

**"What is love? Will this kind of love come to me too?" — _What is Love?,_ Twice**

_[three years earlier] ___

Before freshman year, the idea of love was something incomprehensible to Kang Minhee. 

____

Tangible things made sense to him: science experiments, crunching numbers, observing data. But love wasn’t tangible. It wasn’t some statistic that could be easily calculated and analyzed. He struggled with understanding what it was. 

____

And that terrified him. He was scared that he’d never truly grasp love. If he couldn’t even comprehend it, how was he supposed to find it?

____

His best friend Cha Junho would tease him for it. “We’re barely out of middle school and you’re already worrying about things like that? Don’t spend so much time worrying; we’ll have high school and the rest of our lives to figure it out!”

____

Junho was right; why would a thirteen-going-on-fourteen-year-old be so concerned with love? Kids his age typically weren’t so pressed about love. Any other kid would be more worried about what their parents were preparing for dinner or how to save up money for that upcoming video game. But that terror still surged through Minhee’s veins when he stepped into high school the first day of freshman year. 

____

“First day of high school, huh?” The corner of Junho’s eyes were crinkling from how hard he was smiling and he was happily bouncing up and down. 

____

Unlike the energized Junho, Minhee was already slumped over from exhaustion.

____

“I’m tired,” Minhee yawned, flipping the hood of his coat over his dark hair, “Can we get this over with now?”

____

“Minhee, we haven’t even started class and you’re already sleepy?” Junho teased.

____

“So?” a sleepy Minhee grumbled.

____

“And yet somehow, you’re ranked higher than me,” snorted Junho.

____

After Minhee playfully swatted Junho’s arm, the two entered the main building before splitting off and heading to their classes, which happened to be on completely opposite sides of the campus.

____

Junho and Minhee spent the first half of the day separated, which Minhee loathed. The two had been inseparable since middle school, always walking together with their arms linked, so having to go to class without Junho felt weird, as if a part of him was missing. It made him feel awkward and out-of-place.

____

It made him feel a little lonely.

____

At least his subjects weren’t bad. Math and science were a breeze to him. These subjects required exactness and precision, which Minhee thoroughly enjoyed. Math and science had a single, precise answer that required a specific process. There was no guess-work when it came to these subjects. He could just plug in the numbers he needed and he knew he’d get the correct answer.

____

That’s what frustrated him so much about love; it was always ambiguous, never one right answer or explanation. 

____

That same ambiguity was also why he despised literature class. 

____

Of course, his least favorite subject was the subject before lunch. Being forced to analyze literature and come up with some unnecessary deeper meaning while starved was torture for him. 

____

A bored and hungry Minhee decided he might as well kill time by taking a nap. He made sure to avoid trouble with his teacher by keeping his eyes open, a skill he had mastered back in middle school. His teacher’s voice faded into obscure phrases and monotonous mumbles as he slowly fell into a deep sleep, losing any awareness of his surroundings.

____

“Hey, do you have an eraser?”

____

Minhee was immediately awoken by the question. He blinked quickly to regain moisture in his now dry eyes. The boy sitting in front of him was turned towards him, waiting for a response. 

____

“Sorry, what was that?” Minhee yawned, rubbing his still tired eyes.

____

“Dude, were you asleep this whole time?” asked his red-haired classmate, “Impressive. I assumed you were awake and paying attention.”

____

“It’s a skill I learned in middle school,” a still half-asleep Minhee gloated. “Works like a charm every single time.”

____

“I’ll bet,” laughed the red-head. “Anyway, do you have an eraser I could borrow?”

____

Nodding, Minhee reached into his black backpack and gently tossed the white eraser to him. “Just make sure to give it back at the end of class.”

____

“No problem. I’m Lee Eunsang, by the way.” Eunsang congenially extended his hand towards Minhee, and the latter graciously accepted.

____

“Kang Minhee.” Minhee his hand tightly and Eunsang gave him a big, dimpled smile.

____

The awkwardness and loneliness Minhee had felt earlier in the day dissipated as he held Eunsang’s hand.

____

—

____

Later that afternoon, Junho and Minhee were at a local cafe, catching each other up on their eventful first days while munching on croissants and getting a head start on their homework. 

____

“There’s this _really_ cute guy in my math class!” gushed Junho blissfully as he leaned back in his chair. 

____

“Jun-hoe,” murmured Minhee teasingly. 

____

“I heard that,” snorted Junho has he chucked a crumpled-up piece of paper at Minhee’s head.

____

“So you met a cute guy, huh?”

____

“He’s _perfect,_ ” Junho sighed happily, eyes sparkling with infatuation. “Gosh, Minhee, he just has the cutest smile! And he’s super good at math too! He could solve all the problems in his head!”

____

“Hey, I can do that too!” pouted Minhee, “What makes this guy so special?”

____

“He’s actually attractive?” 

____

This time it was Minhee’s turn to toss the paper ball at Junho.

____

“So what’s his name?” asked Minhee.

____

“Not telling.”

____

“C’mon,” whined a petty Minhee, pouting his lips at Junho’s answer, or lack thereof. “Don’t I at least deserve to know the name of the guy replacing me?” 

____

“No.”

____

“Junho you can’t just tell me you have a crush and not give me a name!”

____

“Well,” began Junho, “If you must know, his last name is Lee.”

____

“How the fuck is that supposed to help me?” 

____

“I gave you a letter, Minhee. That’s literally a third of his name.”

____

“Lee is the second most common surname in Korea, you dick.”

____

“Oh is it?” Junho taunted, “I wasn’t aware.”

____

Annoyed at Junho’s antics, Minhee rolled his eyes and sulked at his best friend before getting back to his work. 

____

He finished his science and math homework with ease, solving all the problems within minutes. He reluctantly pulled out his literature homework, dreading to annotate the excerpt of classic novels in front of him. Nevertheless, he forced himself to get it done so he wouldn’t have to stay up late working on his least favorite subject.

____

Why did this reading have to be hard to understand? Why couldn’t it be more straightforward? Would he ever comprehend these hidden meanings? 

____

Was he even talking about literature at this point, or was this about something deeper, something more terrifying? 

____

Minhee was so distracted by his thoughts that he didn’t realize he had scribbled nonsense all over his paper. 

____

“Crap, I accidentally wrote the wrong letters,” Minhee muttered to himself when he looked down at the illegible scrawl. 

____

“Imagine being illiterate; Minhee can relate,” teased Junho.

____

“Imagine already being whipped for a guy you know nothing about; Junho can relate.”

____

Junho pressed his palms to his chest in defeat. “Ouch, I felt that.” 

____

Minhee then reached his hand into his black backpack, fishing for the familiar white eraser. He swore he put it in this pocket, so where the heck would it—

____

“Motherfucker!” Minhee mumbled under his breath when the realization hit him. 

____

“What did I do this time?” asked Junho defensively.

____

“Not everything’s about you, Junho.”

____

“Yet my name’s in your mouth?”

____

“Shut up.”

____

“Is that your only comeback?” Junho responded victoriously. Minhee sulked while his friend painted a smug grin on his face. “So what’s up?”

____

“Ugh this guy in my literature class borrowed my eraser and he never gave it back!”

____

“And is that my problem?” Junho said sarcastically.

____

“It is now,” Minhee responded mischievously as he snatched Junho’s eraser from his workspace.

____

—

____

The next day Minhee walked into literature, determined to get his eraser back. 

____

“Eunsang, right?” Minhee asked as he approached the red-haired boy’s desk. 

____

“Hey Minhee!” he replied congenially. The corners of his lips curled dimpled-smile. 

____

“Do you by any chance happen to have my eraser?”

____

Eunsang’s bright expression was immediately replaced with guilt. “I’m so sorry I think I left it at home! I’ll bring it to you tomorrow, I promise!”

____

When Minhee asked for his eraser the next day, Eunsang frustratedly slammed his head into his desk.

____

“I’m such an idiot!” he wailed pathetically. “I forgot it again!”

____

After a week of asking, Minhee realized he wasn’t getting his eraser back anytime soon.

____

Eventually, the eraser became an inside joke between them, with Minhee constantly poking fun at a guilty Eunsang’s forgetfulness. At first, Eunsang responded to Minhee’s request with great remorse, always promising to bring his eraser back. But after a while, he quickly realized Minhee was being Minhee and messing with him, so he began playing along.

____

“Where’s my eraser now Eunsang?” Minhee would prod.

____

“Accidentally sold it to the mafia in exchange for my father’s life,” Eunsang would reply with ease. 

____

It was a fun interaction that put Minhee in a good mood during literature. He couldn’t help but be charmed by Eunsang’s playfulness and quick-wit. 

____

After some time, their conversations moved past Minhee’s missing eraser and became more intimate.

____

“Do you need a math tutor?” Eunsang randomly blurted out one day.

____

“What?” 

____

“Do you need a math tutor?”

____

“Why would I need a math tutor if I have an A in math?” Minhee asked quizzically.

____

“Ah, nevermind then,” Eunsang said nonchalantly.

____

“Why are you asking?”

____

“I just want to make money and tutoring seemed like a good start, that’s all,” Eunsang explained, shrugging his shoulders in response.

____

“So are you some sort of math genius?” Minhee asked. He was curious to hear Eunsang’s response, since he had yet to meet someone equally passionate about science and math. 

____

“You could say that,” Eunsang replied in a non-boastful manner, “I usually score high on tests and can solve problems in my head.”

____

For some reason, Eunsang’s response made Minhee’s heart skip. 

____

“Hey, me too!” he said excitedly, “I guess that’s one thing we have in common.”

____

“So now that we’ve found something in common, can we stop talking about your stupid eraser?” 

____

“Never,” taunted Minhee. Eunsang pouted at his snide response, and Minhee couldn’t help but smile at how cute he looked. 

____

Overtime, Minhee began to notice little things about Eunsang, like the way his nose crinkled when he laughed out loud, or the way he’d vigorously push and hold onto the people close to him when he was overly excited, or the way he quietly hummed along to whatever song was blasting in his AirPods, or the way he could be soft-spoken one minute and obnoxiously loud the next.

____

Minhee was enchanted by small details like this, and with every new detail about Eunsang he learned, he wanted to discover more. 

____

Nobody had ever made him feel this giddy and fluttery, and that terrified Minhee even more. 

____

_Is this what love is? If this is love, then why do I feel so afraid?_

____

_Why don’t I understand these feelings?_

____

Minhee did his best to convince himself whatever he felt for Eunsang was platonic; he just wanted to be friends with him, that’s all. There was nothing romantic or flirtatious about his exchanges with Eunsang, and he aimed to keep it that way. He tried to push his feelings aside and forget about them, but of course, Eunsang had to go and make things worse.

____

“Minhee, Minhee, Minhee, Minhee, Minhee!” he exclaimed one day, enthusiastically bolting towards Minhee before literature. “I have something for you!”

____

“My eraser?” Minhee asked just as excitedly.

____

“Well, sort of.” Eunsang fished something small out of the front pocket of his backpack and gleefully displayed it to Minhee. “It’s an eraser shaped like Kuromi, the My Melody character! I was out with my sister and I saw this at one of the shops. It instantly reminded me of you, so I got it for you. It’s like a mini Minhee!”

____

Eunsang reached for Minhee’s hand, gently placing the decorated eraser in his open palm. He delicately closed Minhee’s fingers around it, securing the eraser in his fist. 

____

Without letting go of Minhee’s hand, he leaned in close. So close that Minhee leaned in an inch more, they’d be kissing.

____

“Do you like it?” Eunsang whispered sweetly.

____

Minhee was so shocked that all he could do was blink.

____

—

____

A week later, Junho was over at Minhee’s house for a sleepover. The two of them were sprawled out on the couch surrounded by pillows while the TV played a Disney movie. Junho was keeping himself busy by playing some games on the phone while Minhee continued to observe the Kuromi eraser. 

____

He still hadn’t used the eraser. He didn’t want to deform the Kuromi shape or have the printed design smudge or fade. He wanted to keep it shiny and new, so he just carried it with him in his pocket, occasionally reaching in to give it a squeeze.

____

Minhee wrapped his fingers around the eraser and closed his eyes, remembering the way Eunsang ran up to him all excited, the way he grabbed Minhee’s hand and held it with care, and the way he innocently leaned in to ask Minhee if he liked the gift. Throughout the past week, he had been replaying the short memory, wanting to relive every second of it. Every time he visualized the moment, he’d feel all warm and fuzzy, craving to touch Eunsang’s hand once again. 

____

He opened his eyes once the memory ended and shoved the eraser into the pocket of his sweatpants.

____

“Junho, what do you do when you like someone?” Minhee asked out of the blue. The latter widened his eyes, shocked at Minhee’s sudden question.

____

“What did you just say?”

____

“What do you do when—”

____

“I heard you the first time,” Junho interrupted, still stunned, “It’s just, do you _actually_ like someone Minhee?”

____

Minhee reached in his pocket again and squeezed the squishy eraser tight. _Of course I do. I like him a lot._

____

“It’s just a hypothetical question, that’s all,” he shrugged as nonchalantly as he could. He prayed that Junho didn’t notice the pink tinge on his ears. 

____

“Your ears are turning pink.”

____

_Fucking hell._

____

“Oooh, Minhee’s in _love!_ ” teased Junho with a sing-song quality in his tone. “So who’s the lucky guy?”

____

“Noneya Business.”

____

“Very funny Minhee. But seriously, who is it?”

____

“Just some guy, Junho. Cut it out,” hissed Minhee. He grabbed one of the pillows from the couch and held it high, ready to vigorously throw it at Junho’s face. 

____

“Well to answer your question,” continued Junho, “I’d confess to Mr. Noneya Business.”

____

_“Confess?!”_ Minhee forcefully chucked his pillow at Junho, absolutely baffled by his response. 

____

“Get it over with, you know?” chuckled Junho as he threw the pillow back at Minhee. Immediately after, his smile faltered slightly and he let out a deep sigh. “Minhee, remember that guy I was telling you about?”

____

“Ah, Mr. Lee,” Minhee said wistfully, “Yeah, what about him?”

____

A hunched over Junho twiddled with his thumbs while gazing down. “W-Well,” he began, his voice faltering, “Well, the reason I’m suggesting you confess to him is because I did it. I confessed to him.”

____

“So what happened?”

____

“He asked me how to know if someone likes you, so I started dropping hints,” Junho explained as he retold the story. “After a few more hints I just blurted it out and then—” 

____

Junho’s voice trailed off, unable to complete his sentence. 

____

Minhee suddenly went quiet and inched closer to Junho. He didn’t witness the situation, but based on Junho’s slouched position and melancholy tone, he knew the confession didn’t go well.

____

“H-He said he needed to think about how he felt,” Junho continued. “It’s weird; I feel ambivalent. On one hand, his response sucks because now I’m stuck waiting around for him to come around. But at the same time, I’m kinda glad I confessed.”

____

Minhee gave his best friend a perplexed look. “That’s what I don’t get, Junho! Why would you be glad about receiving such a vague yet complex answer? Wouldn’t you rather get a direct response?”

____

“Of course I would, Minhee,” Junho responded, still staring at the floor, “The reason I’m glad is instead of having those feelings bunched up inside me, I let it out into the world, and I can’t take it back anymore.”

____

“Isn’t that the scariest part, though?” Minhee questioned with concern, “You can’t take it back?”

____

“Actually no,” continued Junho, “I can’t really explain it, but I’ve solidified my feelings. They’re not tangible, but it feels like they are. For some reason, knowing your feelings are out there is comforting.”

____

Minhee sat in silence for a moment, pondering over what his best friend just told him. He reached into his pocket again, feeling the soft rubber of the eraser Eunsang gave him. 

____

Facts and tangible objects were easy for him to comprehend. 

____

Maybe Junho was right; letting it all out in the world would be comforting and finally give him some solace. 

____

So he decided he would tell Eunsang. 

____

—

____

_[minhee writes a letter for eunsang a few nights after the sleepover]_

____

_Eunsang,_

____

_I’ve never really understood what love is. It’s never made sense to me. It wasn’t something that I could observe, or an equation that I could solve._

____

_But I think I’ve finally figured it out._

____

_I figured it out when you bought me that Kuromi eraser, and when you held my hand tight after you placed it in my palm and closed my fingers around it._

____

_I was told that letting my feelings out would give me some comfort, so that’s what I’m doing now._

____

_I like you, Eunsang._

____

_Love, Minhee_

____

—

____

The next day, Minhee walked to school feeling an infinite range of emotions. It felt like an explosion of colors in his body: pink bliss, yellow excitement, green tranquility, blue nervousness, red anxiety, black fear.

____

_Black fear._

____

No, Junho said this would be comforting. Junho said his feelings wouldn’t be bunched up anymore.

____

Minhee reached into his pocket again, squeezing the eraser as if it was a lucky charm. Who knows, maybe Kuromi would give him an extra boost of confidence.

____

“Minhee!” Junho called out from the entrance of the school, estactically waving and jumping. “Minhee I’m so glad I spotted you before class!”

____

Minhee ran up to his friend, curious about the cause of Junho’s elated state. “What’s up?”

____

“Minhee,” Junho began, unable to contain his excitement, “There’s someone I want you to meet!”

____

“I can’t wait!” Minhee responded genuinely.

____

“Let me introduce you to my new boyfriend!” Junho exclaimed as he vigorously yanked on Minhee’s sleeve, pulling him towards the other side of the stairwell where Junho’s new man waited. 

____

All the colorful emotions swirling in Minhee’s body turned gray when he made eye contact with Junho’s new boyfriend.

____

Gray regret. Gray sadness. Gray heartbreak.

____

“Minhee!” Eunsang said startled, “I didn’t know you were friends with Junho!” 

____

“Yep,” Minhee choked, struggling to swallow the piercing lump in his throat, “So Junho, is this the guy you’ve telling me about?”

____

“Yea, it is!” Junho answered blissfully, clasping his hands together. “We met in math class and became friends afterwards, but we got together last night!”

____

_They got together while I was writing a love letter for him._

____

“I didn’t realize you two already knew each other!” Junho pointed out, “Kinda funny how these things worked out, huh?”

____

“Hilarious,” Minhee responded dryly.

____

Indeed, the whole situation was hilarious. Junho and Minhee unknowingly liking the same guy. Junho suggesting Minhee confess to Eunsang days after he did the same. Minhee planning his confession the same night Junho and Eunsang managed to get together. 

____

If Minhee wasn’t so distraught, he might’ve laughed right then and there.

____

But he couldn’t laugh. He could barely muster up a believable fake smile. All he wanted to do in that moment was break down and cry. 

____

Minhee remembered that afternoon at the cafe and all the casual remarks Junho had dropped about Eunsang.

____

_“Gosh, Minhee, he just has the cutest smile! And he’s super good at math too! He could solve all the problems in his head!”_

____

_“If you must know, his last name is Lee.”_

____

As someone who prided himself in his observant and analytical nature, Minhee felt like an entirely inattentive idiot. Now that the realization hit him, everything seemed to fit together in a perfect puzzle, with the final image depicting a devastated and crushed Minhee. 

____

“Minhee?” Junho asked concerned, “You okay? You’ve been zoning out for the last minute?”

____

“Sorry, I’m just tired,” lied Minhee, pretending to yawn to give the illusion of exhaustion.

____

“Hey, you can always just sleep through literature again,” joked Eunsang, playfully tugging on Minhee’s sleeve.

____

Minhee flinched and quickly pulled his arm away from Eunsang’s fingertips, terrified of making physical contact with Eunsang.

____

Terrified of falling even harder for his best friend’s new boyfriend. 

____

As much as he hated it, Minhee knew he would have to accept the situation sooner or later. 

____

Eunsang wasn’t his. He was Junho’s now. There was nothing he could do about it.

____

That was the cold, hard reality. 

____

The only place where Eunsang could be his was in his dreams.

____


	2. The Junsang Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minhee understands a little bit more about love. He understands that it fucking sucks. But it doesn’t suck for Junho, so Minhee holds his feelings back to keep it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place three years after the prologue so don't mind the tense change!

**"It’s weird the more I fall for you,  
I’m sorry. I hate you more" — _Love Foolish,_ Twice**

****

_[the present]_

“I’m about to flunk this fucking science test,” groans Junho, slamming his head against the wall.

“That makes one of us,” gloats Minhee. Chemistry was his favorite subject this year, and he understood the material thoroughly.

“How the hell do you get perfect marks every time?” scoffs Junho. “You’re not even awake half of the time!”

“Chemistry’s easy,” Minhee states matter-of-factly, rolling his eyes at his best friend. Junho squints his eyes at Minhee before vigorously swatting him with his backpack. 

“Ow!”

“That’s what you get for being a condescending nerd.”

“It’s not my fault you suck at chem!” whines Minhee, rubbing his now bruised arm. “Christ, what the hell is in your backpack? Cement? Bricks? The crushing weight of your failed chem exams?”

“Do you really want to know?” Junho says viciously, holding up his backpack in preparation for another attack. Minhee backs away from Junho, holding his hands up over his head as a truce. 

“Put down the backpack, and I’ll help you study for chem,” he bargains.

“I’m free tonight,” Junho accepts, releasing his grip from his heavy bag. 

“Hey, I’ve been craving pizza lately,” Minhee mentions excitedly, “We should study at the pizzeria tonight.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Junho says, nodding his head in agreement. “Also, do you have time to talk?”

“Sure. About what?”

“Well, I just need advice about—”

Junho is interrupted when someone wraps his arms around him from behind.

“Peek-a-boo!” giggles Eunsang before planting a small kiss on Junho’s forehead. The latter forces a smile before turning towards him to give him a quick peck.

Minhee just continues to stand there and awkwardly smile at their interaction. 

“Hey Minhee!” Eunsang greets congenially, arms still wrapped around Junho’s neck. 

“Hi Eunsang,” Minhee responds kindly. He quickly brushes his hair over the tips of his ears to keep them out of view.

“What were you guys talking about?”

“How much Junho sucks at chem,” Minhee teases, resulting in a death glare from his best friend.

Eunsang turns towards Junho and let’s out a light chuckle. “But chemistry’s so easy?” he laughs.

As a response, Junho forcefully elbows his boyfriend, causing him to release his arms from Junho’s neck. Eunsang then stumbles back and clutches onto to Minhee’s shoulder for support. Afterwards, the two of them laugh at Junho’s sullen temper. 

“Don’t worry, Eunsang,” Minhee continues, casually brushing Eunsang’s hand off his shoulder. “I was going to help Junho study tonight at the pizzeria.” 

“Oh right! You guys have Mrs. Park too, right? Do you mind if join your study session?”

Before Minhee can agree to Eunsang’s invitation, Junho answers for him. “Actually, I was hoping Minhee and I could just have one-on-one time.”

“That’s alright!” Eunsang answers, unwavered by his exclusion. “Are we at least still on for lunch?”

Minhee sees Junho’s shoulders tense up slightly before quickly loosening up once again. It’s a subtle gesture, but it’s noticeable. 

“Of course,” Junho replies, pressing his lips into a small smile. “How could I forget?”

Eunsang laces his fingers with Junho’s and the two of them say their goodbyes to Minhee before going out to lunch together. 

“Have fun you two!” Minhee calls out as he watches them walk away hand-in-hand.

After they leave, Minhee collapses against the wall and lets out a defeated sigh. He massages his shoulder, and his heart flutters again when he thinks about the way Eunsang grabbed him unexpectedly. Then, he reaches into his right pocket to grab the all-too familiar Kuromi eraser Eunsang gifted him three years earlier. 

He still keeps it after all this time. 

Three years later, it was still unused, and it mostly just sat in his pocket all day. Occasionally, he’d reach in and give it a little squeeze just for reassurance or good luck. It was stupid of him to hold on to such a cheap little object—he knows that—but he didn’t have the heart to ruin it. 

It was the only piece of Eunsang he had to himself. 

—

When Junho and Eunsang first got together, Minhee decided he’d just wait it out or let his feelings die, whichever came first. 

But three years later and they were still together.

Three years later and Minhee was still hopelessly in love with Eunsang.

He still hadn’t told either of them how he felt, so his feelings spent the last three years locked up inside of him. There were times Minhee considered confessing, but then he’d see how happy they were together, and he simply couldn’t bring himself to mutter the words _I love you._ They were the two most important people in his life, and he didn’t want to hurt them.

He didn’t want to lose them.

It didn’t help that Eunsang slowly integrated his way into Minhee and Junho’s friendship. Minhee and Junho were already inseparable, but the addition of Eunsang solidified their dynamic into a permanent trio.

The three of them hanging out together wasn’t exactly a bad thing. In fact, it gave Minhee an excuse to spend more time with Eunsang and get to know him better. For instance, he learned that Eunsang used to play the violin as a kid, or that he’d always read books whenever he had downtime.

Minhee also enjoyed being in close proximity with Eunsang, especially since the latter was a pretty touchy person. Sometimes when the three of them would hang out, one of them would say something so hilarious that Eunsang would grab onto Minhee and energetically push him around. Even subtle forms of physical contact made Minhee’s heart flutter. He constantly reminisces over small moments, like the time he, Junho, and Eunsang were studying together, and his knuckles accidentally brushed against Eunsang’s. 

It was the little things that made him fall for Eunsang even more, and for this reason, Minhee swore to himself that he’d never let himself hang out with Eunsang one-on-one. This promise was partly out of respect for Junho, but it was mostly to keep himself from doing or saying something he’d regret.

At least Eunsang and Junho were a considerate couple. They made sure not to be overly affectionate in front of Minhee and always included him in their conversations. Junho was especially good at this, always displaying his love for Eunsang in more subdued ways when they were in public. It made Minhee feel more included, and occasionally there were times where he would forget he was third-wheeling. 

But spending time with them still stung like a bitch. 

To Minhee, watching the two of them was like being forced to watch a marathon of your least favorite show. You want to change the channel, but you don’t even know where the remote is. You can’t even turn the TV off because the whole reason you’re stuck watching this marathon is you can’t seem to find the goddamn remote. 

So you decide, well, I might as well stick around and watch it. You assume that watching a few episodes will help you find some newfound appreciation for the show. The first one or two episodes are surprisingly satisfactory, and you’re feeling neutral towards the show. 

But then the marathon continues, and you realize you’re only on the first season and there’s still more episodes left to air. You think, well it’s not like it can get any worse from this point.

It does get worse.

As the marathon drags on and on, you start despising the show. You hate the plot, you hate the characters, you hate the dialogue, you hate every miniscule detail about the show.

But you still can’t find the fucking remote. 

So for the past two years, Minhee was stuck watching The Junsang Show on repeat, still unsure of where he last saw the stupid remote. 

He did his best to make the most out of the situation, but watching his crush date his best friend isn’t exactly an ideal position to be in. 

Being forced to sit through The Junsang Show helped Minhee grasp a somewhat better understanding of love. 

He understands there’s a lot of ways to let someone know you love them.

He understands people show love in different ways.

He understands these different methods of displaying affection can be complicated and confusing to comprehend. 

He understands that despite the complications of dating, people will do it anyway. Maybe it’s because it’s better than being alone all the time, but he wouldn’t know. 

He understands that people in happy relationships seem to smile a lot. He can’t quite comprehend the intention behind smiles, but he figures it’s because for the first time, they don’t feel so lonely.

He understands that unwillingly witnessing PDA was disgusting and gross, and nobody should have to be subject to that. 

He understands that third-wheeling makes you feel even more isolated than ever, despite the fact that you’re with two people you love dearly. 

He understands that from an outsider’s point of view, watching other people’s relationships grow is a punch to the gut. But for the people in relationships, it’s an exhilaratingly enchanting euphoria. 

He understands that unrequited feelings are the worst. 

He understands that getting over someone you never dated is harder than it sounds. 

He understands that he’d never want his friends to experience the heartbreak and confusion he’s been going through. 

He understands that he’s willing to take a knife to the heart if it means seeing his best friend’s face light up everyday. 

He understands that even if he’s not happy, the people most important in his life are, and the last thing he wants to do is strip them of that happiness.

He understands that love fucking sucks.

But it doesn’t suck for Junho, so Minhee holds his feelings back to keep it that way. 

—

As planned, Minhee and Junho went to the pizzeria that night.

“Mmm,” Minhee moans with satisfaction, “That hit the spot.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, enough about the pizza,” Junho says impatiently, “Which equation do I use to solve this problem?”

With a slice of pizza in one hand and a pen in the other, Minhee scribbles notes and numbers all over Junho’s paper, slowly guiding him through each problem. It’s a long process, but eventually Junho is able to solve all the problems on the study guide without Minhee’s assistance.

After Junho finishes the study guide, the two of them continue to sit in the booth, munching on pizza and going about their lives.

“Oh hey, didn’t you want to talk about something earlier?” Minhee recalls.

“Oh that?” Junho says, startled. “Don’t worry about it.” He turns away from Minhee and begins zoning out as he looks out the window.

“You’re talking to yourself again,” Minhee points out with a mouthful of pizza a few minutes later. 

“What?” Junho asks startled.

“You’ve been gazing out the window and murmuring to yourself for five minutes now,” says Minhee. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Junho chuckles awkwardly, trying to hide his strained tone.

“Junho, I’m not an idiot.”

“Minhee, it’s fine.”

“Look, I know you have your weird habit of talking to yourself, but right now, I’m here,” Minhee says supportively. “So stop keeping things to yourself and let it out.”

_You hypocrite. You motherfucking hypocrite._

Junho sighs, deliberating on how to ask Minhee the question on his mind. 

“Minhee,” Junho asks hesitantly, “Remember three years ago when you asked me what you do when you like someone?”

Minhee winces as his mind flashes back to that instance. For some reason, knowing the boy Junho confessed to was Eunsang had turned that once disposable memory into a painful one. The phrase “ignorance is bliss” carried a lot more weight. 

“Yeah, I remember.” _But I wish I didn’t._

“Well, what do you do when you don’t?” Junho stares at him intently. He was in desperate need of a response, and Minhee could see it in his eyes.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t like someone anymore?”

Minhee sucks in a breath after hearing Junho’s response. He knows this is about Eunsang; who else would it be about? A nagging, devilish part of Minhee is telling him to fuel a falling out between Eunsang and Junho, but his senses kick in and tell him to be neutral. But he struggles to come up with an unbiased answer. After thinking over his response for some time, he sighs deeply before blankly saying, “I don’t know, Junho.”

“Minhee—”

“This isn’t some chemistry problem, Junho. It’s a complicated situation with no right answer. Hell, there’s probably not an answer to begin with.”

“C’mon, Minhee,” Junho pleads with utmost despair in his voice, “Remember when you liked that guy three years ago?”

Minhee immediately reaches for his drink and chugs half of it to stop himself from saying something he’ll regret. 

“You said you didn’t like him anymore,” continues Junho.

“Yea, I don’t,” Minhee bluffs. He quickly pulls the hood of his jacket over his now rose-colored ears and yanks the drawstrings tight to cover them from Junho’s view. 

“So what did you do?” Junho asks.

“About what?”

“Minhee, you know what I mean. What did you do when you realized you didn’t like him anymore?”

Minhee reaches into his right pocket, squeezing the eraser as he tries to come up with a reasonable answer. 

_I don’t know, because I still fucking like him._

“I guess I just distanced myself from him,” Minhee responds, constructing his words carefully.

Minhee was so good at lying that it scared him sometimes. 

“So, spend time apart maybe?” asks Junho.

“Yeah, like, remove any sort of proximity so I can’t get attached anymore.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to be attached anymore.”

“Well, what do you want?”

“I don’t know, and that’s what’s killing me.”

“Junho, do you still want to be with this person?”

“Of course, Minhee. But I don’t know if I should.”

“Why not?”

“Why would I stay with someone I don’t love?”

Minhee freezes at Junho’s sudden words. The air around them goes tense and their booth goes silent while the rest of the customers in the pizzeria continue chattering. Unsure of how to continue the conversation, Minhee turns his focus back to his studies while Junho faces the window and murmurs to himself again. 

“You don’t think you love them anymore?” Minhee asks after some time.

“It’s not that I don’t love them,” explains Junho tentatively. “I just don’t know if I love them enough to stay. But at the same time, I love them too much to leave. I just—I don’t know how I feel anymore.”

“Hey, taking some time off for yourself never hurt anyone,” reassures Minhee, reaching across the booth to give Junho’s hand a squeeze. “That’s the best advice I can give you.”

“Hm, okay.” Junho bites his lip, pondering on Minhee’s response. 

“Junho, can I ask you something too?”

“Of course.”

“This is about Eunsang, isn’t it?” 

—

Junho never responded to Minhee’s question. He simply got up from his seat, thanked him for his advice, then left the pizzaria without saying anymore. A perplexed Minhee headed home soon after that.

He doesn’t know how to interpret the conversation. Clearly something is wrong between Junho and Eunsang. Mostly, he just feels sad for Junho. He knows how much he loves Eunsang, and he can’t imagine them breaking things off.

But that same nagging, devilish part of Minhee from earlier is slightly relieved that things between Eunsang and Junho aren’t the same. It’s like he’s finally found the remote, and he won’t be forced to sit through The Junsang Show any longer.

However that relief goes away when he thinks about how devastated both Junho and Eunsang would be. 

The whole situation is bittersweet, and it leaves a sour aftertaste in Minhee’s mouth. 

Minhee begins to understand a new thing about love: everything about it is temporary.

Everything about it is complicated. 

—

It’s been a few days since the conversation at the pizzeria, and Minhee still feels ambivalent about the situation. He’s tried asking Junho about it, but the latter changes the subject every time he attempts to bring it up. So Minhee just shrugs it off and hopes for the best—whatever “best” may be. 

He’s sitting in his bed, spending his Friday night getting a headstart on his upcoming assignments, when his phone rings. Initially, he’s expecting it to be Junho, but his heartbeat accelerates when he sees the contact.

_Eunsang._

Minhee immediately accepts the call, hands shaking in nervous anticipation. Sure, Eunsang had called him before, but he had never called him at this time. 

“Eunsang?”

“Minhee,” Eunsang chokes, “Minhee, thank god you answered. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Minhee’s heartbeat continues to pick up speed.

“Is everything alright?” Minhee asks as calmly as possible, doing his best to mask his emotions.

“No, nothing’s alright.” Eunsang sounds panicked on the phone, and Minhee can hear him holding back loud sobs. “Minhee can I come over? I don’t want to go home right now.”

His heartbeat stops. Having Eunsang over? On one hand, it was a chance to be alone with Eunsang. Alone with his _best friend’s boyfriend._

He swore to himself he would never let that happen. 

“Eunsang, I can’t do that to Junho.” _I can’t do that to myself either._

“Trust me, Junho won’t mind,” Eunsang states bitterly.

“Eunsang—”

“Junho won’t mind because he just dumped me.”


	3. The Fake-Dating Cliché

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eunsang has a bad idea, and it involves Minhee.

**"A guilty bite, huh?  
I can’t turn it down" — _In & Out,_ Red Velvet**

Things have been off between Junho and Eunsang lately.

Eunsang can’t quite pinpoint what it is, but they’ve been distant. They still see each other every day and do all the couple-esque antics like holding hands and giving sweet kisses, but it doesn’t feel the same.

When they first met, Junho was always enthusiastic to see him, happily greeting him whenever he walked into math class.

After they got together, Junho became more reserved, almost as if he was holding back something. It seemed as if Junho began taking his time to fall in love, rather than going about things hastily. 

Eunsang didn’t mind; if anything Junho’s toned-down behavior helped him feel more comfortable around him. Since Junho was his first official boyfriend, he, too, preferred to be less open about their relationship. But when they weren’t out in public, Junho always showered him with affection, painting his body with kisses and subtle touches. He would always joke around, laughing whenever Eunsang whined at his teasing. Junho was a playful boyfriend with a unique way of displaying endearment, and Eunsang always felt loved. It was comforting, and Eunsang would fall deeper and deeper for Junho with each new expression of affection. 

But lately, Junho’s previously reticent behavior was shifting into a more detrimental one. Junho had become aloof and withdrawn. Eunsang could be oblivious sometimes—he didn’t even realize Junho had a crush on him when they first met. But Junho’s behavior was glaringly obvious, to the point where someone as naïve as Eunsang could recognize the signs. Whenever Eunsang questioned him, his boyfriend would simply shrug it off and tell him he was busy thinking. Then Eunsang would ask what exactly he was thinking about and Junho would shut down. He was becoming physically distant too; Eunsang could feel him tense up whenever they touched. It was frustrating for Eunsang, but as difficult as their relationship was becoming, he couldn’t bring himself to walk out. 

Eunsang doesn’t know what to do about Junho. All he knows is he doesn’t want to let go of him. He’s not ready to let go of him. 

So when Junho tells him that they should break-up and spend some time apart, he feels utterly betrayed. 

“You’re breaking up with me?”

Junho and Eunsang were sitting at their favorite café: the same café where Junho first admitted to Eunsang that he harbored feelings for them. Funny how everything came full circle; Junho was ending their relationship in the exact same place where they first started it.

“I-I’m sorry,” Junho says defeatedly, “I didn’t want to do this but—”

“Then why, Junho?” interrupts Eunsang, refusing to believe this is reality, “Why are you doing this then?”

“I’m sorry,” his lover says blankly.

 _“You’re_ the one breaking my heart, and that’s all you can say?” Eunsang shouts accusingly, “Sorry?!”

“Eunsang, don’t make this harder than it has to be,” Junho pleads quietly. “Please.”

“I have a right to be upset,” continues Eunsang angrily. “We dated for three years, and you’re suddenly ending things just like this?”

“I need to think about how I feel.”

Those were the exact words that Eunsang told Junho the day he confessed. 

It was like a mirrored timeline. Three years later, and they were at the same café, sitting at the same table, only this time the roles were reversed. At the time, Eunsang didn’t realize how heart-wrenching those words were, but being on the receiving end was causing him to cave in and crumble apart. His anger evaporates after hearing his lover’s response, and he’s left feeling numb and cold.

“So this is it then?” Eunsang sighs after he’s calmed down. “We’re done?”

He keeps convincing himself that this is all a dream. All of this is just some twisted nightmare, and when he wakes up, Junho will wrap his arms around him and reassure him that he still loves him and he won’t be leaving anytime soon.

“Yeah,” Junho says quietly. “This is it.”

Junho’s confirmation shatters any lingering hope for Eunsang, forcing him to come to the realization that he’s not dreaming.

He’s wide awake. 

Junho attempts to apologize once more but before he can say anything, Eunsang is already grabbing his stuff, storming out of the café, and running towards his car. Eunsang vigorously yanks his car door open and slams it shut before pressing his head against the steering wheel and letting the salty tears roll down his face.

_So this is it._

_He really dumped me._

_This is reality._

He clutches the steering wheel even tighter and continues to cry in silence. He’s too distraught to even make a sound; he just continues to breathe heavily while the tears keep streaming. 

What did Junho mean when he said he needed to think about how he felt? When Eunsang uttered those same words three years ago, he was genuinely unsure about how he felt towards Junho. His uncertainty was partly because at the time, another boy had caught his interest, but mostly it was because he was young, stupid, and had never been in love before. 

But why would Junho, someone who was well into his teenage years and in a long-lasting, committed relationship, feel so unresolved? Eunsang keeps asking himself this question, but if he’s being honest, he’s terrified of the answer.

He’s heartbroken enough, and he simply isn’t ready to accept the fact that Junho doesn’t love him like he used to. 

Wanting to get one last glimpse of him, Eunsang lifts his head from the steering wheel and peers through the glass door of the café. Junho is still in there, sadly slouched against his chair and picking at his pastry. For a split second, Eunsang is transported to the past, when the two of them sat at that table for a casual date, both of them enjoying each other’s company. He remembers Junho using his finger to scoop a bit of whipped cream from his drink and playfully smearing it on his cheek. After he scolded him, Junho simply laughed before wiping off the cream and planting a kiss on his cheek. The two of them continued enjoying the simplicity of the short yet sweet moment. 

When Eunsang blinks again, he flashes back to the present, and he’s reminded of the impermanence of their relationship. It’s an indescribable feeling, but he despises it. He desperately needs to drive far away from this café before the memories break his heart all over again.

He doesn’t want to go home; his mom and sister would just ask him probing questions before spinning the whole situation into some unneeded lecture. 

He obviously can’t go to Junho’s, and he doesn’t feel close enough to his other friends to explain the whole situation.

As a last resort, he calls Minhee, who picks up almost immediately. 

“Eunsang?” asks the other end. 

“Minhee,” he chokes, struggling to keep himself composed, “Minhee, thank god you answered. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

—

One phone call later and Eunsang was sprawled across Minhee’s couch, chugging down his second bottle of soju. 

“Dude Eunsang, don’t drink _all_ of it,” hisses Minhee as he snatched the bottle from Eunsang, “My dad’s gonna kill me!” 

“Who cares at this point!” whines Eunsang, slurring his words. “He _dumped_ me!”

Minhee rolls his eyes at his drunk friend, using the corner of his sweatshirt to wipe Eunsang’s lips. “You’re drooling, idiot.” After Minhee wipes the saliva off of Eunsang’s face, he keeps his hand rested on his cheek for a few seconds, fixating on Eunsang’s features before pulling away. 

_You promised yourself you wouldn’t pull this shit._

“Minhee, I want more.”

“No, Eunsang. It’s bad enough we went through my dad’s liquor cabinet, but I’d be crucified if you drank all of it.”

“I’ll deal with your dad later. Right now I just want a drink.”

“Just calm down and we’ll talk about what happened.”

“It’s Friday night. I don’t have school tomorrow anyway, so let me do this.”

“I’m not going to let you drink the night away.” 

“Give me back the bottle!” hisses Eunsang, climbing over Minhee in effort to grasp the alcohol.

“Eunsang, I know you’re upset but getting wasted isn’t the way to go about it!” scolds Minhee as he raises the bottle high up.

“How would you know?” snaps Eunsang, “You’ve never been heartbroken before!”

Minhee winces at Eunsang’s response. The words echo around him, reminding him of his unrequited feelings. 

_If only he knew._

Eunsang analyzes Minhee’s reaction, and feels immediate guilt at his harsh words. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.”

“It’s fine,” sighs Minhee. He twirls the bottle of soju in his hand before taking a sip of the strong beverage. It burns his throat, but the slight buzz lessens the pain of Eunsang’s response. “I’m gonna grab some more drinks, do you want anything?”

For the rest of the night, Minhee and Eunsang get drunk, clinking their bottles before letting the alcohol slide down their throats. 

An hour ago, Minhee was snatching the bottle away from Eunsang’s hand, preventing him from getting wasted. Now the bottle is in his own hand, bringing the opening to his lips so he could take another swig. Minhee has lost all concern. He doesn’t care that his dad will kill him for underage drinking or that he’ll be too fucked-up to get anything done tomorrow. All that matters right now is downing bottle after bottle, drowning his feelings in an ocean of soju.

At first, it was all fun and games. He and Eunsang simply giggled and laughed at their crazy antics and drunk selves. 

“You know what’s funny?” hiccups Eunsang. “Your name is Minhee, a-and that sounds like, _mini._ But you’re not mini. You’re the opposite. You’re tall, like, really, really tall.”

“You should change your name to Eun _sing_ ,” chuckles Minhee heartily. “B-Because, like, Eun _sang_ is the past you. Get it, because ‘sang’ is in past tense. But you’re in the present, therefore your name should be Eun _sing_.”

The two of them continued spewing incoherent nonsense, hiccuping and burping as they continued to chug more soju. 

But as the night went on, the atmosphere became more somber, and both of the brokenhearted boys were too distraught to enjoy themselves.

“Can you believe he just _dumped_ me like that!” wails Eunsang. “Three years. Gone.  
And he has the audacity to be upset about it when he’s the one who broke my heart.” 

“Screw love!” cries Minhee.

“Yeah, screw love!”

The two of them clink their bottles once again and toast before taking another swig.

Afterwards, a drunk Eunsang rests his head on Minhee’s lap, and the latter uses his hand to gently stroke his jawline and neck.

“I knew something wasn’t right, but I didn’t realize he was willing to suddenly end things. 

“He just needed time to himself, that’s all.”

“But was dumping me really necessary?”

“Well, I don’t know. I’m not Junho, so I can’t answer that.”

“Did he say anything to you?”

“He just told me he doesn’t know how he feels anymore.”

“Was I just not good enough for him?”

“Eunsang, it’s not that. You’re perfect.”

“Obviously not to Junho.”

“Well, you’re perfect to me. Isn’t that enough?”

“Yeah, I guess. I just don’t understand what I did wrong.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Then why doesn’t he love me anymore?”

“It happens, Eunsang. Sometimes people just don’t feel the same way,” Minhee says, his words hitting too close to home. 

Eunsang gets up from Minhee’s lap and looks straight into his eyes. 

“Minhee, can I stay for the night?” he pleads. “I don't want to be alone tonight. I’m not ready to be by myself.” 

“Of course, Eunsang,” Minhee answers sweetly. “Stay as long as you’d like.” 

Knowing full well he’s breaking his promise to himself, he swiftly leans until his forehead touches Eunsang’s. He’s completely aware he shouldn’t do this, but he can’t think straight—all he can think about is close their lips are. Eunsang must feel the same way because instead of moving away, he just remains still and closes his eyes, anticipating Minhee’s next move. 

Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was his feelings. Maybe it was the deadly mix of both, because before he could stop himself, Minhee was closing the gap between him and Eunsang with a sinful kiss. 

—

Minhee is awoken by the sound of eggs frying on the stove. His head is killing him but at least the smell of breakfast is comforting. The savory aroma convinces him to sleepily stumble out of the couch and head towards the kitchen. Before entering, he stops himself. He’s expecting to see his dad fixing up breakfast, so he takes a deep breath and mentally prepares himself for a long lecture. His dad does work in the medical field after all, so he was probably going to scold Minhee and remind him about the dangers and risks of drinking alcohol as a teenager. But when he walks in, his dad is nowhere to be found. Instead, he sees Eunsang at the stove.

He’s confused, obviously. He certainly remembers Eunsang coming over, but he has zero recollection of letting him spend the night. Minhee knew that he normally wouldn’t have agreed to let Eunsang stay, but he normally wasn’t shit-faced drunk either. 

“Morning,” greets Eunsang as he sprinkles salt and pepper over the fried eggs on the stove. “Did you sleep well?”

“I slept fine, thanks.”

“Well that makes one of us,” yawns Eunsang. “You’d think I would’ve passed out from all the drinking but I was restless all night. I couldn’t stop thinking about—” His voice trails off before he can finish.

Minhee immediately changes the subject. “You didn’t have to cook for us.”

“Ah, don’t worry about it,” Eunsang reassures as he transfers the eggs from the stove to two plates and brings them over to the dining table. “You let me spend the night. The least I could do was prepare breakfast. Also don’t worry about your dad; I told him it was all me and you had nothing to do with it.” 

Eunsang also brings over two cups of coffee and hands one of the mugs to Minhee. “I’m assuming you’re just as hungover as I am.”

“Your assumption is correct,” says Minhee before taking a sip.

He’s practically drooling at the sight of the eggs and prepares to devour them instantly. But before he can even take a bite, Eunsang strikes up a conversation. 

“So about last night,” Eunsang mentions awkwardly.

Minhee puts his fork down, unsure of the context. “What happened last night?” 

“Christ Minhee, how much did you have to drink?”

“I don’t know, a few bottles? So what happened?”

“You really don’t remember?”

“No? I’m sorry, I don’t.”

Eunsang squints his eyes at him. “What do you remember?”

The main memory that comes to mind is Eunsang’s painful words taunting him: _How would you know? You’ve never been heartbroken before._

“You said something to me, I got more drinks, then we got shit-faced together,” Minhee recalls.

“Do you remember anything else?”

“Considering you’re here, I’m assuming you asked to spend the night?”

“Yes,” Eunsang confirms, “But what about _after_ that?”

Minhee chews the corner of the lip, trying to recall last night’s events, but everything is a blacked-out, unrecognizable blur. “I really don’t remember, I’m sorry.”

Eunsang stares at him quizzically, pouting at Minhee’s inability to recall last night’s events. 

“What is it?” Minhee asks worriedly, “Did I do something bad?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say it was _bad._ I mean, it was good. Who knew you had it in you, huh?” 

His vague response makes Minhee even more distressed. “What the hell does that mean?”

Without saying anything, Eunsang nervously pulls down his hoodie to expose his neck and collarbone, revealing clusters of purple and red scattered all over his skin like painted brushstrokes. Minhee’s eyes widen with horror as fragments of last night slowly begin to piece themselves together.

“Did _I_ do that?” 

“Well it certainly wasn’t Junho.”

“Eunsang, just tell me what happened,” groans Minhee, bracing himself for the answer.

“We made out last night,” Eunsang blurts out. 

All the memories flood back and Minhee goes into full panic mode. 

He remembers pressing his forehead against Eunsang’s before stupidly leaning in until their lips touched. 

He remembers grabbing the nape of Eunsang’s neck to pull him even closer, as if there wasn’t any space left for them to take up. 

He remembers a surprised, and equally wasted, Eunsang suddenly kissing him back. 

He remembers curling his toes in anticipation when Eunsang’s tongue met his own.

He remembers tousling Eunsang’s dark hair while the latter wrapped his arms tight around Minhee’s neck.

He remembers pushing Eunsang back, pinning him down against the couch. 

He remembers painting kisses all over his crush’s neck and chest while a drunk Eunsang laid back, still struggling to catch his breath. 

He remembers laying on top of Eunsang, and feeling his heart beat more and more rapidly. 

He remembers his and Eunsang’s kisses growing deeper and deeper, both of them refusing to let go until they ran out of oxygen. 

He remembers all the things he never should have done. 

_That’s what you get for breaking your promise._

“Eunsang, I’m so sorry!” apologizes Minhee regretfully. 

“Hey don’t worry about it,” Eunsang reassures before taking another bite of his egg. “We were both out of it. I know you don’t see me like that; the alcohol just got the best of us.”

“Right, _just_ the alcohol,” Minhee answers naturally. 

Lying is becoming way too easy for him these days. 

“I mean, I’m not upset about it,” says Eunsang, “It’s just weird because Junho’s my ex and you’re his best friend.”

Minhee feels his blood rush at the mention of Junho’s name. 

“Oh my gosh,” groans Minhee, cupping his red face in his hands, “Junho’s gonna be pissed!”

The two of them sit in awkward silence, pondering over the consequences of last night’s events. While Minhee agonizes over the mistakes he made the night before, Eunsang’s lips curl up into a mischievous smile.

“Is that such a bad thing?” he asks playfully. 

“Eunsang, you dumbass, you’re hungover.”

“So are you, idiot.”

“What point are you trying to make now?”

“Think about it: if Junho found out about last night, he’d be pissed, right?” explains Eunsang.

“Well no shit, Eunsang,” hisses Minhee. “If he found out his ex and his best-friend made out we’d never make it out alive!”

“And he’d be even more infuriated if he found out we did even _more_ than just kiss,” adds on Eunsang.

“Excuse me?” asks a perplexed Minhee, “Define ‘more.’”

“More as in, it was more than just a drunken make-out session.” 

Minhee feels the tips of his ears turn pink. 

“Gosh, Minhee,” continues Eunsang sinisterly, “Just _imagine_ how angry he’d be if he heard about the things we would do behind closed doors.”

Minhee knows he shouldn’t, but he’s too hungover and exhausted to think logically, so he plays along with Eunsang’s little game.

“Like the way I’d lace my fingers with yours.”

“Or the way we’d pull each other closer by yanking the collars of our shirts.”

“Or the way you’d lay on top of me and gently trace my collarbones.”

“Or the way you’d rest your chin on the top of my head and nuzzle your nose in my hair.”

“Or the way I’d spent the night planting light kisses all over you.” 

“Just imagine if we pretended all of that was real,” murmurs Eunsang seductively. 

“So what are you insinuating, some sort-of fake-dating cliché?” teases Minhee.

“Yeah, pretty much,” Eunsang responds nonchalantly, causing Minhee to choke on his eggs.

“You’re being _serious?_ ” coughs Minhee.

“Did I stutter?”

“You want to _date_ me?” interrogates Minhee.

“Well fake-date,” clarifies Eunsang. “But yeah, we should do it. Pretend to be a couple to piss Junho off and make him jealous.” 

Minhee regains his ability to think reasonably and forces himself to stop playing this flirty game before they take it too far. He already crossed the line last night, and fake-dating Eunsang would be too much.

It would be too much for his heart to handle. 

He gives Eunsang a calculated response, hoping to coax him out of it. “Wouldn’t that be weird?” 

“We both know it’s fake, Minhee.”

_Tell that to my heart._

“But what about Junho?” Minhee questions, hoping to deter Eunsang away from his plan.

“He’s the whole reason we’re pretending to date,” Eunsang explains.

“I just think it’s a bad idea,” Minhee says bluntly.

“Don’t tell me Junho is the reason you don’t want to go through with it.”

_I don’t want to go through with it because I’m terrified that I’ll fall for you even more than I already have, and this time, Junho won’t be there to stop me._

He can barely comprehend love to begin with. But _fake_ love? It made him uneasy and sick to his stomach. 

“Eunsang, why exactly are you doing this?”

“I want Junho back,” Eunsang states adamantly, automatically shutting down any hope Minhee had for them. “I just _know_ if he sees us together, he’ll get uncontrollably jealous to the point where he’ll just have to take me back.”

Minhee uses his fork to pick at his eggs in silence. Minutes ago he was starved, but now his stomach hurts and he doesn’t feel like eating anything.

“I know it’s pathetic,” admits Eunsang sadly, “To be pining for someone who fell out of love and resort to a stupid lie to win them back. But I love him so much, Minhee. It hasn’t even been a day yet, but I miss him so freaking much. When he left me, he left me with empty space. The only way I can be whole is to be with him again.” 

“That’s what rebounds are for, Eunsang,” Minhee says, still attempting to strategically talk him out of it. 

“Exactly, you’ll be my rebound. Well, ‘fake’ rebound.” 

“Eunsang, one way or another, someone will get hurt,” Minhee argues defiantly. _And it won’t be Junho._

The thing is, Minhee knows his dreams were the only place where Eunsang could be truly his, and he’s terrified that if his dreams become a reality, he’ll never want to wake up and he’ll end up living his life through a temporary fantasy. 

“Minhee, people will always get hurt when there’s love involved. That’s what makes it so complicated,” Eunsang sighs. “But there’s a reason why people choose to fall in love anyway.” 

He lets Eunsang’s words sink in. Was his idea terrible and complicated? Of course. But Eunsang was still undeniably, irrevocably in love with Junho, and he’d never feel the same towards Minhee. Fabricating a relationship with Eunsang would likely be Minhee’s only chance to be with him. 

Sure, Eunsang insisted it was all fake, but Minhee’s feelings for him were real. If he agrees to the plan, he can pretend. He can pretend Eunsang feels the same. He can pretend Eunsang is his. His dream can finally be a reality.

His logical and analytical side is telling him that all of this will end in heartbreak, but like Eunsang said, there’s a reason why people fall in love regardless of its complexities. 

He reaches into his right pocket and when his fingertips meet the eraser, he comes to a conclusion.

As bad as an idea as it was, Minhee decides to participate in the all-too predictable, all-too cliché, all-too heart-wrenching fake-dating scheme.

“Okay fine,” he caves in, “I’ll do it.”

“I knew you’d come around,” laughs Eunsang wholeheartedly. “Starting today, we’re ‘official.’ From now on, I’m yours.”

“From now on, you’re mine.” 

_Even if it’s just pretend._


	4. Romantic Illusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For Minhee, being with Eunsang seemed impossible, something that could only happen in his dreams. But that dream is finally a reality, and he doesn’t ever want to wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day enjoy some Minisang fluff :D

**"I must still be dreaming again like last night  
If I fell into a long and sweet nap  
Don’t wake me up forever  
So what if it’s just a dream I’m gonna confess when I wake up again" — _Break Your Rules,_ The Boyz**

_From now on, I’m yours._

_From now on, you’re mine._

It was the Monday after Junho and Eunsang broke up. It was also the first day that Eunsang and Minhee would make their first public appearance as a “couple.” Minhee had insisted that the two of them wait a couple of days before beginning their charade, but Eunsang wanted to start immediately.

“I want him to see us, Minhee,” a desperate Eunsang explained. “I want him to see us, I want him to get jealous, I want him to take me back.

I want him to love me again, and the sooner we start, the sooner it will happen.” 

_The sooner we start, the sooner I can start pretending you’re actually mine._

So Minhee caved in once again and gave in to Eunsang’s devious plan. The two of them spent Saturday and Sunday constructing their romantic illusion. They went over every minuscule detail and backstory and chain of events resulting in their ultimate “relationship.” 

“We’re using last night’s event’s as our backstory?” Minhee asked with concern after Eunsang suggested it. 

“You said so yourself: Junho would be pissed if he found out what happened after we got drunk together,” pointed out Eunsang. “Us ‘dating’ is just the icing on the jealousy cake.”

“But what if people ask about us?” complained Minhee. “I have to explain to people that I kissed you while drunk!” 

“So _now_ you have a problem with it,” Eunsang said mockingly.

“Shut up.”

“Your ears are turning pink again, loser.”

“That doesn’t mean anything!”

“You know what they say: drunk actions are sober thoughts.”

“What are you insinuating?”

“I’m just saying, maybe deep down, you wanted last night to happen.”

“Eunsang—”

“Who knows how long you’ve been in love with me?”

“Cut it out!”

“Minhee, I was joking. I know you just consider me a friend.”

It’s times like this when Minhee considers himself lucky to be in love with someone so oblivious. 

“Anyway, back to the plan,” Eunsang continued, “I think we should meet at the bus-stop and head to school together.”

Come Monday morning, and Minhee was walking to the bus-stop to meet Eunsang and further build their romantic illusion.

When Minhee arrives, Eunsang is curled up on the bench, cross-legged with a book resting in his lap.

“Morning,” greets Minhee.

“Morning,” Eunsang says without looking up.

“You wore your glasses today?” asks Minhee.

“My eyes hurt from crying,” Eunsang responds. He keeps his eyes glued to his book but Minhee can spot a glint of sadness in his eyes. 

“Were you crying because of—”

“Please don’t say his name,” Eunsang interrupts. “It still hurts.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Besides, you’re helping me win him back.” 

“Right.” Minhee tries to hide his disappointment, but he hates being reminded that essentially, this whole scheme is to get Junho and Eunsang back together. 

_Pretend,_ Minhee thinks to himself. _Let’s go back to pretending you’re mine._

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Eunsang questions suddenly, looking up at Minhee. 

“Like what?” Minhee responds flustered. 

“Like _that.”_

“You just look pretty today, that’s all,” Minhee blurts out. _Are you serious? Out all the things you could’ve said, you say_ that?

“I always look like this.” Eunsang rolls his eyes but the subtle curve of his lips indicates that he’s flattered by the compliment. 

Minhee then notices a brownish stain on the collar of Eunsang’s uniform. “There’s foundation all over your shirt, stupid.”

Eunsang closes his book and shifts his focus to his shirt, crying out in frustration when he spots the stain. “Is it at least still on my neck?” he asks, looking up at Minhee. 

“Mmm, sort of,” the latter answers, using his knuckles to rub out the stain. “What’s with the make-up job anyways?”

“Well I couldn’t exactly show up to class with a bunch of hickeys all over my neck,” Eunsang says cynically.

“You could,” Minhee answers teasingly, using his finger to lift up Eunsang’s chin. “You’re just a coward.”

Eunsang swats Minhee’s hand away with his book and pouts at him. “You’re enjoying this way too much, aren’t you?”

“Mmm, maybe.”

“This is your fault and you know it.”

Minhee can’t help but laugh at Eunsang’s whining, and he ruffles his hair before sitting down next to him and wrapping his arm around him. He’s started when Eunsang naturally rests his head on his shoulder, but it’s a comforting and heart-fluttering sensation. 

“So here’s the plan,” Eunsang begins, “Whenever we see Junho, we’ll act like this. Don’t hesitate to hold me or touch me or any of that.”

“Are you sure?” Minhee asks, surprised at Eunsang’s request.

Eunsang lifts his head up and gives him a sure nod. “I know none of it is real.”

“So you wouldn’t mind if I did this?” 

Minhee leans in until his forehead meets Eunsang’s—just like he did last Friday night—and plants a delicate kiss on Eunsang’s nose.

“I wouldn’t mind at all,” Eunsang whispers. He begins to lean in closer, but before they can go any further, the bus arrives. 

When they take their seats on the bus, it’s as if the last ten minutes never happened because they don’t interact. They don’t interact when they hop off the bus. They don’t interact when they enter the school and coast through the hallways. Their interactions are so minimal that Minhee begins to wonder why Eunsang was so adamant about pretending to date if they weren’t even going to pretend. 

In fact, they don’t even do anything remotely romantic, even simple acts like holding hands. They spend the entire day acting completely platonic. Minhee should be relieved—he did have some hesitancy towards the entire situation—but at the same time he just wanted to hold Eunsang tight and declare to their entire high school that they were together.

Or at least, pretending to be together.

Their interactions remain friendly until Junho spots Eunsang and Minhee after school and waves to them. 

“Junho’s walking over to us!” A panicked Eunsang turns towards Minhee and vigorously elbows him. “Do something!” 

Minhee could’ve decided to be more subtle, but instead he chooses to impulsively lean in and press his lips against Eunsang’s. It’s a short but sweet kiss, but it still makes his heart flutter like crazy. When they release, Junho has joined them.

“Hey guys!” he greets casually, doing his best to eradicate any awkwardness or tension.

“Junho, it’s been a while!” Minhee says congenially.

“It really has.” Junho then turns his attention towards his former boyfriend, who tenses up when their eyes meet. “Hi Eunsang.”

“Hi Junho,” Eunsang mumbles back. For show, he reaches for Minhee’s arm and clings on to him. He sees Junho’s eyes dart towards his hands before quickly making eye contact with him again.

“So, how was your weekend?” Minhee coughs, trying to ease the tension in the atmosphere.

Junho shrugs. “It was fine; mainly stayed at home and hung out with my siblings. I’ve had better weekends.” He glances at Eunsang and Minhee’s interlocked arms again before looking up at the two of them and plastering a smile on his face. 

“How was your guys’ weekend?” 

“It was good!” Eunsang answers quickly, clutching Minhee’s arm even tighter. “I spent the weekend with Minhee.” 

“Sounds fun. What’d you guys do?”

“We just stayed at my place and did—uh— _stuff,_ ” Minhee answers awkwardly. He tries to respond naturally but he’s still embarrassed over the events that unraveled last Friday.

“So is that what that kiss was about?” asks Junho, finally addressing the romantic interaction he witnessed. Minhee feels himself getting embarrassed all over again when he remembers the way he spontaneously planted his lips onto Eunsang’s. Minutes ago, he felt invincible kissing Eunsang, but being reminded of it makes him feel awkward all over again. 

_Christ, can you learn to control yourself around him before you humiliate yourself again?_

“Yeah,” Eunsang answers cautiously, anticipating Junho’s reaction, “Minhee and I are together now.”

Both Eunsang and Minhee are perplexed by Junho’s reaction, mainly because he doesn’t give them _any_ reaction. He just remains stoic as he processes the information.

“Good for you guys,” he responds calmly. “So Eunsang, I’m assuming you’re doing fine then?”

“Better than ever.” Eunsang leans in closer to Minhee and strategically places his hand on his new “boyfriend’s” heart. 

“Well, nice to see you two getting along,” says Junho. “I should get going; I’m meeting up with Dongpyo and Hyeongjun. I’ll see you guys later!” 

Eunsang continues holding Minhee tight until Junho is out of view. 

“Well,” Eunsang sighs after Junho has left, “It could’ve gone worse.”

“I think it was okay,” Minhee reassures as he tousles Eunsang’s hair.

“I don’t know, I was just hoping to get a reaction out of him.”

“You know how Junho can be sometimes. Besides, he’s probably coping with the break-up too.” 

“I guess. Oh, good job with the kiss by the way,” compliments Eunsang. “He definitely saw that.” 

“How’d he react?”

“I think he fell for it.”

_And I’ve fallen for you._

“You know, your kisses hit different when you’re sober,” Eunsang teases. 

Minhee raises his eyebrows at him. “In a good or bad way?” 

“Mmm, I can’t tell,” Eunsang thinks over, “But I think I prefer sober you.”

“Why’s that?”

“Sober you doesn’t do _this._ ” Eunsang points his chin towards his neck before concealing the dark markings with his hand. 

“That’s a bad thing?” Minhee says sinisterly.

“We’ve been over this,” sighs an exasperated Eunsang. Minhee can’t help but find Eunsang’s frustrated expression adorable, and he feels himself falling a little more in love.

_I love you._

“What was that?” Eunsang asks wide-eyed. 

_I said that outloud?!_

“Nothing!” Minhee blurts out defensively, praying his ears aren’t noticeably pink. 

“You said something under your breath, so what was it?” Eunsang asks again.

“I just called you a coward, that’s all,” taunts Minhee, and Eunsang retaliates by socking him in the shoulder. 

“Jerk.” 

—

“We should do something couple-y,” Eunsang says after school.

Minhee gives him a perplexed look. “But we’re pretending aren’t we?”

“Yeah, so we should pretend to do something couple-y,” Eunsang adds on. 

Despite watching multiple episodes of the Junsang Show, there was still one thing Minhee never learned during his involuntary binge-watching session. 

“What do couples do?” he asks curiously. 

“Are you seriously asking me that right now?”

“Eunsang, I genuinely don’t know.”

“You’ve never dated someone, have you?” Eunsang inquires. Minhee shakes his head no in response.

“Why?” 

“Nobody’s ever caught my interest, that’s all,” Minhee says casually. _Nobody except for you._

“Mmm, okay,” Eunsang responds. “As for our ‘date,’ just take me somewhere fun.”

“Like where?”

“Well, Junho used to take me this Parisian café until—” Eunsang’s voice trails off and he tenses up after being reminded of his past relationship.

“So, I’m assuming no cafés for you?”

Eunsang clenches his jaw and closes his hands into a tight fist, digging his fingernails into his palm. “Pick something else please.”

Minhee chews on the inside of his cheek as he runs through a list of places in his mind. The mall? No, too boring. Plus he was broke. The movies? They could hold hands and share snacks, but they wouldn’t be able to have conversations. The amusement park, the shopping district, the ice cream parlor, and the museum are other places he considers, but none of them seem like the perfect place for a pretend date.

He debates just giving up and going to a café, but he’s certain Eunsang will burst into tears once the aroma of coffee and croissants hits him. Besides, that was Eunsang’s thing with Junho, and Minhee would rather take him somewhere they can call their own. 

While Minhee continues to stress over where to take his fake boyfriend, an impatient Eunsang pulls out the same book he was reading earlier at the bus stop. He becomes completely absorbed in his reading—practically dissolving into the book novel’s imaginary world—that he doesn’t even notice Minhee observing him. As the latter continues to watch, an idea finally springs in his mind.

“Is the library too stupid?” Minhee questions awkwardly. Surprised, Eunsang closes his book and immediately bursts into laughter when he looks up at him. An embarrassed Minhee pouts in frustration and asks him if he said something wrong.

“No, it’s fine,” Eunsang laughs endearingly. “It’s a cute idea, honestly! It’s just, don’t you _hate_ literature?”

“Yeah, and?”

“You slept through every single literature class and put minimum effort into all the assignments, and suddenly you want to go to the library?”

“Just because I hate the subject doesn’t mean I hate books in general.”

“But why the library out of all places?” 

“Well, you seem to enjoy reading so I just thought you might have fun,” Minhee explains as he nervously twiddles with his thumbs. 

Eunsang gives Minhee a heartwarming smile before extending his hand out towards him. “Take me there then.”

“I—” _I love you._ “I will.” 

It’s just like the day they first met, and just like before, the awkwardness Minhee felt seconds ago evaporates when he holds Eunsang’s hand. 

—

“I haven’t been here in a while,” Eunsang says when they walk through the glassy doors. “Hey, let’s check out the fiction section!”

Eunsang grabs Minhee’s sleeve and excitedly tugs him towards the sizable shelves of books like a little kid. Eunsang’s eyes are wide open with wonder as he scans the various titles and runs his fingers across the worn-down books. He spends a few minutes deciding which written world to dive into while Minhee continues to watch him with endearment. 

“What kind of books do you like to read?” asks Eunsang, snapping Minhee out of his daze.

“Mysteries. Something where I have to analyze the little details and nuances hidden in the text. Something that’ll leave me mind-blown and satisfied by the time I reach the ending.”

Eunsang nods and picks out a worn-down mahogany hardcover from the shelf. “This one is one of my favorites! It’s confusing at first but once you get to the end, everything seems to fall perfectly into place, and it’s totally worth all the frustration and agony!”

Their fingertips meet when Eunsang hands him the book, and Minhee feels himself falling a little bit more in love. 

_I love you._

“What was that?”

“I just love mysteries, that’s all,” Minhee coughs awkwardly, clutching the mahogany book close to his chest. “Did you pick out something?”

“Mhm, let’s go find a table.”

They settle down at a small table meant for two. Once they take their seats, Minhee reaches across the table and intertwines his fingers with Eunsang’s. Afterwards, the two of them sit at their table and enter the imaginary universes hidden in the inked pages of their books. Occasionally, they simultaneously look up from their reading, make eye contact and smile or giggle at each other before looking back down at their books. 

All of this is a romantic illusion, but even Minhee finds himself mesmerized by it. 

He wonders if Eunsang is mesmerized too. 

Minhee is also mesmerized by the mystery novel Eunsang picked out for him. The first few chapters are unclear and a bit hard to understand, with weird, sporadic details sprinkled about. But as the plot continues, he finds himself fully immersed in the story, and he’s determined to find out how all of this will unravel. He’s completely absorbed, and continues flipping through the book with anticipation and excitement until his eyelids become droopy and he falls asleep. 

When he wakes up an hour later, Eunsang is also napping with his head rested on the table. Despite being fast asleep, he’s still holding Minhee’s hand tight and gently stroking his thumb in his sleep. Minhee attempts to gently unravel his fingers, but Eunsang clutches him even tighter.

“Don’t let go just yet,” Eunsang murmurs sleepily. “Let’s stay like this a little longer.”

“Eunsang?”

“Yes, Minhee?”

“I-I—” _I love you._ “I think we should head out soon. The library’s going to close.” 

“I want to stay here.”

“We can’t.”

“I want to stay here with you.”

 _I love you._ “I’ll take you home. C’mon.”

“Fine.” Eunsang reluctantly lets go of Minhee’s hand and the two exit the library, walk to the bus-stop, and stand under the illuminating yellow streetlights. 

“Did you like the novel I picked out?” Eunsang asks while they wait for the bus.

“I love it,” Minhee answers genuinely, “It’s like a puzzle, but something tells me the final picture will blow me away.”

“I’m glad you like it. Can I ask you something stupid?” 

“Go for it.”

“What do you think about fairytales?”

Minhee scrunches his nose and thinks it over. “I think they’re magical.”

“Huh.”

“What is it?”

“Nothing it’s just—” Eunsang pauses for a bit and chuckles. “People always say fairytales are for kids.”

“Well those people have forgotten the magic of a happy ending,” Minhee points out. “Fairytale endings shouldn’t be reserved for kids. Everyone deserves to live one out.”

“I feel the exact same way.”

“Why were you asking?”

“The book I was reading in the library was a fairytale.”

“Ah, interesting.”

“Can I tell you another stupid thing?” Eunsang chuckles to himself as he digs his foot in the ground.

“I’m sure it isn’t stupid,” reassures Minhee as he ruffles Eunsang’s hair.

“Okay don’t laugh but, my favorite part of fairy tales is when the lovers dance together for the first time. Like at a ball or something.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I don’t know, the idea of it just sounds wonderful,” Eunsang sighs dreamily. “Having someone hold you close for an entire night while the rest of the world fades around you. Then the only thing left is you, your partner, and the stars above.”

“Well,” Minhee says, reaching out his hand, “I’m no Prince Charming, and the bus stop isn’t exactly a grand ballroom but, may I have this dance?”

“You may.” 

Maybe he was being delusional, but Minhee couldn’t help but notice how perfectly Eunsang’s fingers locked with his own.

Minhee spins Eunsang around, but instead of a flawless rotation, the two trip over each other and almost fall onto the sidewalk. Their dance is awkward and messy, but it doesn’t ruin the moment at all. If anything, it makes it more romantic, and the two boys keep holding each other tight, ready to catch each other in case one of them falls again. 

They continue dancing—and stumbling—the white stars continue to glimmer in the inky sky and the yellow street lights continue to flicker. They continue to indulge in this heavenly euphoria.

Towards the end, Minhee attempts to spin Eunsang one last time, and this time it’s perfectly executed, with Eunsang landing in Minhee’s arms. They stay in that position for a while, frozen in time like a statue depicting eternal lovers. 

“I love—”

“The bus is here,” Eunsang interrupts. He lets go of Minhee’s hands and the two step onto the bus.

Their hands aren’t separated for long because as soon as they sit down on the bus, Minhee is opening up his palm, waiting for Eunsang to wrap his fingers around his. Eunsang graciously accepts and rests his head on Minhee’s shoulder. The bus ride is silent as both of them replay their star-lit waltz in their minds. 

Minhee’s stop is first, and Eunsang insists on coming down with him and walking him to the front door. 

“That was the happiest I’ve been since the break-up,” he mentions when they arrive at Minhee’s doorstep.

“The break-up was only three days ago?” 

“It’s been a depressing three days, to be honest, and it’s only gotten harder and more draining,” Eunsang sighs sadly. “But it was nice to finally escape reality for a bit.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Being with you and just holding your hand; it made me forget about everything. Everything except us.”

“Eunsang I—” _I love you._

“Yes, Minhee?”

“I-I‘m glad you had a good time.”

“I did. I really did.”

“Sleep well.”

“You too. Sweet dreams, my prince.”

It takes everything for Minhee not to yank him closer and kiss him right then and there. Instead, he just reaches for Eunsang’s hand and gives it a squeeze before saying goodbye, unlocking his door, and heading inside.

_My prince._

_He called me his prince._

Those two short words ring in his head for the rest of the night and continue even after he falls asleep.

For Minhee, being with Eunsang seemed impossible, something that could only happen in his dreams. But that dream is finally a reality, and he doesn’t ever want to wake up.


	5. Mint Chocolate Chip Cookies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eunsang’s not sure if he should be frustrated at Junho for not caring or frustrated with himself for caring too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter switches between past and present but I tried indicating when it switches so hopefully you can follow along!

**"I’d say a quiet goodbye to your back  
Thanking the rain for covering my tears" — _Don't Let Me Go,_ Shinee**

_[three years ago]_

“What’s all this?” asked Eunsang’s older sister, eyeing the ingredients and plate of freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies arranged on the marble counter. 

Eunsang popped up from behind the counter, his apron and face messily dusted with flour. “I’m baking cookies for Junho!” he exclaimed energetically. 

“Looks delicious,” murmured his sister, practically drooling at the sweet, rich aroma. She reached for one of the cookies but before she could grab one, Eunsang swatted her hand away.

“I don’t remember saying you could have one,” he scolded.

“Hey, I’m the oldest, so don’t chastise me. Besides, you’ll need someone to test them out for you,” she pointed out before grabbing a cookie and taking a bite—against a pouting Eunsang’s wishes. Her face lit up with surprise when a distinct taste hit her tongue. “Mm, is that mint I taste?”

“It’s good, right?” Eunsang said proudly. “I added some mint leaves to the batter to give it an extra kick.”

“It’s good but—”

Eunsang frowned at his older sister’s response, anxious about her reaction. “But what?”

“What if Junho hates mint chocolate chip?” she asked teasingly.

“How can you hate mint chocolate chip?” argued Eunsang, “It’s refreshing.”

“He might think your cookies taste like toothpaste,” she taunted. “I bet you _did_ use toothpaste in these cookies.” 

“No I didn’t!” whined Eunsang. He snatched the plate of cookies away from his sister, frustrated with her teasing. “No more cookies for you!” 

“I was joking,” laughed his sister, amused at her little brother’s reaction. “The cookies taste great and I’m sure Junho will appreciate it, even if he does think mint chocolate tastes like toothpaste.”

“Really?”

“Really. What are the cookies for anyways?”

Eunsang began to blush and quickly turned away from his sister to hide his pink cheeks. “No occasion,” he answered hastily. “Just wanted to surprise him.”

“Well I’m sure he’ll love it!” His sister playfully ruffled his hair before grabbing one last cookie and heading back to her room.

There was some honesty to Eunsang’s answer; there wasn’t really a set event or holiday that called for cookies. But in truth, there was a special occasion that Eunsang was preparing for. 

Eunsang was going to tell Junho he loved him.

He had never expected to fall for him this hard. In fact, he had his initial doubts when the two first got together, even though they had a non-verbal, mutual agreement to take things slow. But he overcame those doubts, and now he was irrevocably in love with Junho.

Junho was so different from the kid Eunsang met in math class. While he was quiet and reserved around the rest of his classmates, he immediately clicked with Eunsang. Their relationship was definitely a slow-burn; it took them weeks for them to not feel awkward jitters or burning embarrassment whenever they engaged in PDA. They were each other’s first boyfriends after all, and what fourteen-year-old isn’t a complete mess during their first real relationship? 

However, after seven months, both of them had grown comfortable with being around each other. Both of them had grown more comfortable with the idea of falling in love with each other. 

Now all they needed to do was express that comfort and desire outloud, and Eunsang wanted to be the first to do it. Besides, Junho was the one who first confessed, so Eunsang felt it was his turn to do the same.

“Junho, Junho, Junho!” Eunsang called out when he saw him before school the next morning.

Junho whipped around and immediately plastered a wide, dimpled grin on his face as he ran to his boyfriend. “Eunsang!” he cried out happily as he gave his lover a big hug.

“Do you have time before class?” 

“Anything for you.” Junho leaned in to give Eunsang a quick peck. It was a short kiss, but it still energized Eunsang, and he just wanted to hurry up and confess his love without any delay.

“So what’s up?” asked Junho.

Eunsang eagerly opened his backpack and reached for the decorated red tin box which he then handed to Junho.

“What’s this?” 

“Chocolate chip cookies, but with a twist!” 

“A good twist or a bad twist?”

“Depends. My sister thinks you won’t like them, so hopefully you’ll prove her wrong.”

“Well, time to put them to the test.” He opened the metal box, excitedly holding up the cookie before taking a bite. His eyes widen when the fresh flavor of the mint leaves hits him, and he gives Eunsang a satisfactory nod.

“Well?” Eunsang asked nervously. 

“Tell your sister she’s wrong.”

“Yes!” Eunsang did a cute, child-like happy dance before wrapping his arms around Junho’s neck and giving him a light peck on his jaw. “I knew you’d love them!” 

“Why’d you bring me cookies anyway?”

Eunsang pulled away and awkwardly clasped his hands behind his back. “Because I—um—I have something to tell you.”

Junho took another bite of his cookie as he looked at Eunsang curiously, anticipating the sudden announcement.

“These past seven months with you have been a dream. 

I just—I don’t know, when you first walked into class, I definitely didn’t think we’d end up where we are now. 

But then you approached me. You tapped my shoulder and said hello to me that first day of freshman year after I sat down next to you. Then you started joking around with me and telling me funny anecdotes about your life and I would never fail to laugh because you’re the funniest person I know, and every time I walked into math class you’d always greet me with the biggest smile and make my day a little bit brighter with your adorable dimples and charming eye-smile, and soon after you started taking me to Parisian cafés where we’d share croissants and smear whipped cream on each other and burn our tongues because we always underestimate how scalding hot the hot chocolate really is, and then somehow we ended up dating and I know I was reluctant at first but now, I can’t even imagine not having you in my life because everytime you reach for my hand and wrap your fingers around mine I feel like floating and whenever your lips meet mine I’m left wonderstruck and being your boyfriend feels like a fairytale where you’re my Prince Charming and our future is our happy ending and—wow—this is a _really_ long sentence.”

“And?”

“I love you, Cha Junho.” 

Junho placed the box of cookies on the ground, which made Eunsang even more nervous. But the nerves quickly evaporated as Junho pulled Eunsang close for a tight, comforting embrace. 

“I didn’t think you’d be the first to say it.”

“So does this mean—”

“I love you too, Lee Eunsang” he whispered. 

“You’re never going to leave me right?” Eunsang whispered back. 

Junho pulled away for a moment and gave Eunsang a somber look. “About that—”

Immediately Eunsang felt his heart drop. “Oh no.”

Junho burst into laughter when he saw Eunsang’s reaction, and his disheartened expression disappeared. “Gosh, you’re so naïve.”

“What’s that supposed to mean!” 

“Eunsang, I was joking! I’d never leave you. I love you.” He pulled Eunsang close again, delicately pressing his lips onto his. 

“I love you too,” Eunsang murmured when they released. “Let’s stay like this forever. Please?” 

—

_[present day]_

“You’re not doing it right,” scolds Eunsang as he snatches the cell-phone away from Minhee’s hand. “You’re supposed to hold it _here_ to get a better angle.”

“Is that not what I was doing?” Minhee says defensively. He reaches for his phone but Eunsang swiftly hides it behind his back.

“Minhee, I love you,” Eunsang says, still clutching the phone, “But you take terrible selcas, and that’s because you suck at angles.”

“Say that again.”

“You suck at—”

“No, what you said before that.”

“You take terrible—”

“What did you say before that entire sentence?” 

“I love you?”

“Glad you finally admitted it,” Minhee teases. 

“Admitted wha—” Eunsang realizes Minhee’s little trick mid-sentence and immediately socks him in the arm. 

“You’re not getting your cell-phone back!” he reprimands. “I’m keeping it for the rest of the day.”

“Aw, but then I won’t be able to message you,” whines Minhee. He pouts his lips and does his best to coax Eunsang into returning his phone. His expression makes him look just like a Maltese puppy, and he’s so adorable that Eunsang can’t help but oblige.

“Fine,” he sighs defeatedly, and holds the phone out. Instead of reaching for just the cell-phone, Minhee grabs Eunsang’s whole hand and pulls him closer, planting a kiss on the top of his head before retrieving his phone. 

“It’s a good thing I’m taller than you.”

“Don’t you dare start this conversation again.” Eunsang sulks at Minhee and tries pushing him off, but Minhee simply latches onto him even tighter.

“I’m just saying it’s nice to be tall.”

“Being taller than me isn’t a personality trait.”

“You didn’t let me finish. It’s nice to be tall because then I can kiss the top of your head.”

“Hmm, I guess you have a point,” Eunsang admits sheepishly. He tightens his arms around Minhee and lovingly looks up at him. “Do it again.” 

Despite Minhee’s constant teasing, Eunsang enjoyed spending time with him. At first, Minhee felt awkward and would always get embarrassed around him, but over time, he became less reluctant about the whole situation, and would treat Eunsang like a legitimate boyfriend as opposed to a fake one. It was fun seeing this new side of Minhee and watching him bloom into a bubbly boyfriend.

When they weren’t together, they’d constantly spam each other with texts.

Sometimes they’d be endearing messages.

_Good luck on your test tomorrow i believe in you!! :D_

Sometimes they’d be little life updates.

_I saw a maltese puppy on the way to school it was so cute! TT_

Other times they’d be an incoherent jumble of random letters.

_AGAHDIIXJENDKDKKD_

No matter the context, Eunsang’s face would light up whenever he got a new notification from Minhee. 

In person, Minhee was even more affectionate, and was never reluctant whenever Eunsang asked him to be intimate.

“Junho’s there,” a panicked Eunsang would say, “Kiss me again.”

Without hesitation, Minhee would lean in every single time. When they released, Minhee bright eyes would sparkle with delight, and he’d delicately use this thumb to lightly tickle Eunsang’s chin and jawline. Eunsang would playfully swat his arm away and the two of them would laugh at their couple-y shenanigans. Occasionally Minhee would mumble something under his breath after they kissed, but Eunsang could never make out the words. 

Over the next few weeks, acting like a couple came so naturally to the two of them that it almost seemed real. Minhee was a proper Prince Charming.

So was Junho.

No matter how perfect things currently were with Minhee, Eunsang still found himself missing Junho, hopelessly in love with someone who was scarily apathetic.

That’s what bothered Eunsang. He was well aware that Junho knew he and Minhee were “dating,” yet here he was, acting completely indifferent to the situation. 

Sometimes Minhee would do something affectionate, like hugging him from behind and kissing his neck, and he’d notice Junho eyeing them from afar. Eunsang would turn towards him and they’d briefly make eye contact for a split second. Whenever their eyes met, only one thought would cross Eunsang’s mind:

_Take me back, take me back, take me back._

But then Junho would awkwardly turn around and saunter off, and Eunsang would feel like he just got dumped all over again.

Because of Junho’s behavior and reactions, the fake relationship with Minhee lasted longer than intended. At this point, the two of them had been “dating” for almost a month and a half. 

He knew Minhee didn’t mind. After all, they had mutually agreed that there was nothing romantic about their endeavor. Even if they acted like the perfect couple, at the end of the day, all of this was fake, and Eunsang made that very clear.

At the end of the day, Minhee was just a rebound for Eunsang; a distraction. Someone to distract him from the pain and heartbreak and loneliness that the break-up had brought him.

Someone to distract him from Junho, his first and only love. 

—

_[one year ago]_

“Happy two year anniversary!” Junho exclaimed happily. 

“Two years,” Eunsang reminisced, “It seems like it flew by so quickly.”

“And to think,” Junho continued, “It all started in this exact café at this exact table.”

“I love this place,” sighed Eunsang, soaking in all the details.

Almost every inch of the café’s milky-colored walls were plastered with French memorabilia: antique photos of popular Parisian sites, black-and-white photographs of notable singers and actors, prints of brightly colored Impressionist works, and other small souvenirs or found objects. 

All throughout the café was the aroma of fresh baked baguettes, savory sandwiches and soups, and delectable sweets. On their table rested a small white box with a rainbow of macarons elegantly arranged inside. Both of them had a cup of rich, hot chocolate topped with whipped cream and a sprinkle of cinnamon alongside a slice of vanilla cake decorated with fluffy pink frosting, white fondant roses, and delicately sliced strawberries.

The light from above left a soft, yellow glow throughout the café. It was a warm yellow, similar to the golden rays of sunlight hitting the sapphire waters of the Seine river, or the illuminating glow of the Eiffel Tower in a pitch black night.

On the radio was the familiar melody of _La Vie en Rose_ playing softly in the background; a lullaby hidden under the playful and busy chatter of the café’s enthusiastic patrons. 

“We should go to a real Parisian café in France,” Junho proposed.

“France is so far away,” said Eunsang, rolling his eyes at Junho’s impractical idea.

“So? I’ll take you.”

“Very funny Junho.”

“I’m serious. I mean, obviously I can’t take you now because I’m broke, but someday, when we’re older I will.”

“We’ll go to a Parisian café?”

“And more. We’ll walk around the Champs-Élysées, admire the masterpieces in the Louvre, act out fairy tales in lush gardens of Versailles, and illegally take pictures of the Eiffel Tower at night. Then, I’ll end the day by serenading you with _La Vie en Rose,_ and just like the lyrics, I’ll ask you to ‘give your heart and soul to me.’ From then on, we’ll live our lives through rose-colored glasses.”

“That sounds absolutely enchanting,” Eunsang choked up.

“Are you tearing up?” Junho chuckled, using his thumb to wipe Eunsang’s eyes.

“Shut up, no I’m not.” Eunsang swat Junho’s hand away, but his annoyance and denial couldn’t hide the fact that his eyes were still watery. 

“Aw, come here.” Junho wrapped his arms around Eunsang, and when the two of them hold each other, it feels like home. 

Both of them want to stay in this sweet paradise forever. 

“Before I forget, I have a gift for you!” Eunsang announced energetically as he released from Junho’s embrace. 

“Let me guess, your mint chocolate cookies?”

“Way to ruin the surprise.” Eunsang tried pretending to be irritated, but his exuberant grin was a dead give away that he was only teasing. He handed the silver tin of cookies to Junho, who immediately popped the metal lid off and reached for a cookie. He devoured the first cookie in seconds and laughed when he saw the mess of crumbs he had left behind.

Eunsang didn’t think it was possible, but he couldn’t help but fall a little bit more in love as he watched Junho burst into laughter.

“That reminds me,” Junho said as he wiped his palms on a napkin, “I have a gift for you too!”

“Really? What is—'' Before he could finish his question, Junho was swiping some strawberry frosting off his slice of cake and smearing on Eunsang’s nose.

“Do you like it?” Junho teased.

“I think it would look better on you,” taunted Eunsang as he used fingers to scoop a large chunk of the pink frosting off the top of the cake.

“Don’t you dare!” Junho quickly pushed his chair back in order to avoid the sugary attack, but Eunsang managed to jump up from his seat and wipe the frosting on his lips anyway.

“How does it taste?” Eunsang asked mockingly.

“Why don’t you see for yourself?” Junho stood up then leaned in, pressing his lips against Eunsang’s. 

“It’s sweet,” Eunsang said satisfactorily, licking the delectable frosting off his lips. “Give me another taste.”

“Wait, people are looking.”

“Let them look.” Eunsang grabbed the collar of Junho’s sweater and yanked him close until their lips were touching again. 

It was a magical kiss, one that transported them away from the cafe. Neither of them cared about the rest of the customers at the cafe. They just seemed to fade into blurry figures static and their conversations faded into static. _La Vie en Rose_ was still playing on the radio, and the romantic tune danced around the two of them. Suddenly, it didn’t feel like they were in a small cafe tucked away at an intersection in Seoul.

They were in Paris, their sweet paradise. 

Eventually, both of them began running out of breath and gasping for air, so they had to release and leave Paris behind. But they made a promise. They promised to return to their sweet paradise, and next time, they would stay there. 

“Where do we go from here, Junho?” Eunsang sighed dreamily after they released and sat back down. 

“We stay like this,” Junho said romantically, “Forever.”

“Forever?”

“And always. No matter what happens, I’ll still love you.” 

—

The library had become Minhee and Eunsang’s personal haven. It had become their go-to place for impromptu rendez-vous. Eunsang appreciated every corner of the library. He knew no matter how heartbroken or upset he was, he could just walk through clear doors, pick out a book, sit at a table meant for two, and indulge in the written fantasies while the rest of the world faded away. It was comforting knowing the library would always be there, and Minhee would always be holding his hand whenever they returned. 

It was comforting knowing he had all these distractions to keep him from obsessing over Junho.

“You’re still reading that book?” Eunsang asks when he sees Minhee pull out the familiar mahogany mystery novel. “We checked it out last month?”

“I actually finished it a few weeks ago,” Minhee explains, “But the ending was so satisfying, and I just had to reread it to see if I could pick up on all the hidden clues!”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it! It’s good, isn’t it? What’s your favorite part? Mine is—”

Eunsang is interrupted when Minhee swiftly places his pointer finger on his lips. “Some of us are trying to read,” he says coyly, leaning in across the table and looking straight into Eunsang’s eyes.

“When did you become such a flirt?” hisses a flustered Eunsang, swatting away Minhee’s hand. He hopes Minhee doesn’t notice the warm, rosy tint on his cheeks, but it’s hard to hide something so obvious from someone so observant, and Eunsang’s clear embarrassment just makes Minhee even more smug. 

“I didn’t realize that turned you on,” laughs Minhee, satisfied with ability to fluster Eunsang and send him in a panic. 

“I thought you were reading,” mutters a still blushing Eunsang.

“I was, but you interrupted me,” Minhee teases. “But to answer your question, my favorite part is definitely when Mr. Han reveals there was never a murder and he simply faked his death. I got so distracted by the other red herrings that I was frustrated, yet pleasantly surprised when the whole mystery was revealed to be fabricated.”

“I love that part too!” Eunsang says excitedly, “That blew my mind when I first read it.”

“Right! I was talking to Junho about it, and it’s his favorite part too. I didn’t even realize he had read this book before!”

Eunsang feels a sharp pain in his head as a once-forgotten memory re-emerges from the back of his mind.

_“What are you reading?”_

_“A mystery novel! You should check it out; I’ll lend it to you when I’m done re-reading.”_

_“Re-reading? It’s that good, huh?”_

_“Yeah. No matter how many times I re-read it something new always jumps out at me. This book is filled with happy, little surprises.”_

_“Kinda like us?”_

_“Us as in our relationship?”_

_“Yeah. Our relationship is just one happy, little surprise after another.”_

“Yeah,” Eunsang answers awkwardly, still wincing at the memory, “I was the one who recommended it to him.”

_So much for distractions._

“Huh, he didn’t mention that,” Minhee states bluntly. 

The sharp pain continues to stab at Eunsang.

“Did he mention me at all?” Eunsang asks.

Minhee sucks in a breath. “Do you want the truth or a lie?” he answers hastily.

Another stab. 

“He didn’t, did he?”

“I’m sorry.”

One final strike before Eunsang crumbles in defeat. 

“It’s okay. Has he asked about us? Has he asked about me?”

“The week we got ‘together’ he asked if we were official.”

“And?”

“And that’s it. I told him the answer, and since then, you haven’t come up in our conversations.” 

“Oh.”

_One happy, little surprise after another._

“I know you were hoping to hear the opposite,” Minhee says sympathetically. He reaches for Eunsang’s hand and gives it a comforting squeeze.

“It’s alright, I need to know,” Eunsang sighs, squeezing Minhee’s hand back. “It’s just—I just—I still don’t understand what I did wrong.”

—

_[two months ago]_

“I’m not as naïve you think I am.”

“I never said you were naïve.”

“Well you’ve been acting like I am. You ignore me and act tense around me and whenever I confront you about it, you tell me everything is fine, when obviously it’s not. Do you think I’m stupid, Junho?”

“Stop putting words in my mouth and making assumptions.”

“Assumptions are all I have left. You won’t even talk to me, so I’m forced to guess what you’re thinking and try to make some sense out of it.”

“I’m talking to you right now, aren’t I?”

“You know what I mean. I need you to tell me what’s bothering you. Is it me? Is it us? I don’t understand what I did wrong.” 

“Eunsang, can you just drop it?” 

“Just tell me what’s wrong so I can try to fix this. So I can fix us.”

“We don’t need fixing. 

“Then why are we even fighting right now?”

“We’re not fighting.”

“What are we doing then, Junho?”

“Okay fine, we’re fighting. But that doesn’t mean we need fixing.”

“So you’re telling me everything is alright between us?”

“I don’t—It’s just—”

“Well?” 

“I don’t know, Eunsang. I don’t know, okay?” 

—

“You know it’s supposed to rain today, right?” Minhee points out when Eunsang arrives at the bus-stop the next day.

“Huh, I didn’t even realize.” Eunsang looks up at the sky and sees the traditional blue hue is smothered with pale, silver clouds waiting to release raindrops. He must have been distracted lately, because the thought of bringing an umbrella completely slipped his mind. 

“Do you want to borrow my umbrella?” offers Minhee.

“Nah,” Eunsang declines. “We’re probably spending most of today indoors anyway.”

“Just stay dry, okay? I wouldn’t want you catching a cold.”

“That’s sweet.”

“Because then I wouldn’t be able to kiss you.”

“And _there_ it is.”

“What, am I not allowed to joke around?” 

“Knowing you, you’d probably kiss me regardless.”

“Don’t flatter yourself.”

“You’re in denial.”

“I’m not denying anything.”

“So you would kiss me then?”

“I wouldn’t say no.”

“Hah, called it.”

Minhee murmurs something under his breath but before Eunsang can question him, the bus arrives and the two head to their designated spots. Once settled, Eunsang pulls out pink tupperware from his backpack and hands it to a pleasantly surprised Minhee.

“For me?” he asks curiously, preparing to devour the entire box. 

“Just to thank you for dealing with me and the break-up,” Eunsang says amicably. “I know it’s been a lot, but you’ve continued to help me out. You’re a great boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend?”

“ _Pretend_ boyfriend, but you know what I mean.”

“Right.”

Minhee quickly turns his attention back towards Eunsang’s gift and takes a big bite out of the soft cookie, but his enthusiastic smile is immediately replaced with a grimace once the flavor meets his taste buds.

“You hate them, don’t you?” Eunsang asks after analyzing Minhee’s repulsed reaction. 

“It’s not _bad,_ ” Minhee says. He paints a forced smile to downplay his reaction, but it doesn’t fool Eunsang. 

“Minhee, if you hate them it’s fine.”

“I don’t _hate_ them,” Minhee says, still attempting to avoid hurting Eunsang’s feelings. “It’s just—Does there happen to be mint in this?”

“Yeah, I incorporated mint leaves into the cookie batter,” explains Eunsang.

“I’m not a fan of mint chocolate, I’m sorry,” Minhee admits sheepishly, awkwardly passing the tupperware back to Eunsang. “But don’t take it the wrong way!” 

“Don’t worry about it, I understand.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I know someone who will want them.” 

—

_[a month and a half ago; three nights before the break-up]_

“What’s the occasion this time?” his sister questioned when she spotted the familiar ingredients lined up on the kitchen counter.

“Just surprising Junho again,” Eunsang explained bluntly.

“You don’t sound so happy about it,” his sister said with concern.

“I’m just tired, that’s all.” _Tired of being the only one trying to keep us together._

“Well get some rest okay?”

“Yeah, I will after I drop these cookies off. Oh, tell mom I’m taking the car again.”

She nodded in response and gave Eunsang a comforting hug before routinely grabbing a cookie for herself. 

It was a silent drive to Junho’s place. Eunsang used to enjoy silence. He used to find it mediative and peaceful. He used to find comfort in the serenity of silence. 

Now he despised it, because whenever he was with Junho, silence enveloped them. It left an unnerving tension between the once-perfect couple. 

It was silent when they went out to lunch yesterday. Junho just sat there, staring out the window while he quietly chewed on his salad. Eunsang reached out to hold Junho’s hand but his boyfriend tensed up and pulled away without saying a word.

Eunsang didn’t bother asking him what was wrong. It was the same response every time, and after a month of empty excuses, he learned to stop questioning him. 

So, the two of them just sat there, co-existing in unbearable silence. They were only a few feet apart, but Eunsang had never felt so far away from Junho. 

When Junho finally broke the silence, Eunsang felt a small wisp of elation, only for it to flicker out when it was simply Junho announcing he had to leave to go study with Minhee.

Eunsang couldn’t stand watching him just leave like that, so he called out to him, much to his boyfriend’s frustration. “Junho wait!”

“Eunsang, I really need to study for the chemistry exam and Minhee is waiting,” Junho said callously.

“I know, it’s just—” He took a deep breath before continuing his thought, scrambling to say something that would convince Junho to talk.

Something that would convince Junho to stay.

“I’m waiting.” 

“Remember a few weeks ago? When I asked if everything is alright between us?”

“What about it?” Junho didn’t even bother masking his irritation, and it frustrated Eunsang. 

“You said you didn’t know,” Eunsang continued, desperately trying to hold himself together. “Do you know now?” 

Junho simply groaned in response, pinching his temples together. “I already told you I don’t have time for this,” he said coldly. He left the restaurant without giving Eunsang a proper goodbye. 

In some weird, twisted paradox, watching Junho walk out gave Eunsang all the answers he needed. 

The memory ended right when Eunsang arrived in front of Junho’s house. 

He rang the doorbell, and low-and-behold, Junho answered.

“What’s this?” he asked, perplexed.

“Just wanted to surprise you,” Eunsang said sheepishly, handing the decorated box to Junho. “I haven’t made them in a while.”

Junho awkwardly accepted the gift, still unsure of how to react. “Thanks.” 

“Can I come in?”

“I was just about to go to bed.”

“That’s alright. I should get going anyway.”

“Drive safe.”

“I will. Oh, and one last thing?”

“Yes?” 

“No matter what happens, I’ll still love you. You know that, right?” 

“Goodnight Eunsang.”

—

“Hey stranger.”

Eunsang turns his head and immediately gets up from the concrete staircase when he sees his ex-boyfriend.

“Hi Junho.”

“What are you doing out here on the steps?” Junho asks. 

“I’m just waiting for Minhee while he finishes up his lab,” Eunsang explains. 

“So you guys take the bus together?”

“Yeah. Sometimes we drive to school together as well but the bus is more convenient.” 

“That’s nice.”

The pink tupperware in Eunsang’s hands catches Junho’s eyes. “Are those your signature mint chocolate cookies?” 

“Yeah, I made them for Minhee.”

“Minhee—”

“Hates mint chocolate,” interrupts Eunsang. “I know. I know that _now.”_

“It’s just weird that you wouldn’t know that about your boyfriend,” Junho says condescendingly.

“Whether or not someone likes mint chocolate is such a trivial detail,” argues Eunsang.

“Oh c’mon, we all know a person’s stance on the mint chocolate debate is a key factor in determining whether or not someone is your soulmate. That’s why I could never date someone who refuses to eat it.” He jokingly punches Eunsang in the arm, and it makes the latter feel lighter. He’s missed Junho’s humor and jokes terribly, and able to tease and have fun with him again feels right. 

“What are you gonna do with the cookies?” Junho asks.

“Probably give them to my mom and sister. Unless you want them?”

“Well, I could never turn them down. Hey, my bus isn’t arriving for a few more minutes. Do you want to sit and wait with me?”

Eunsang graciously accepts and the two walk over to the designated bench. 

“Apparently it was supposed to rain today, but not a single drop has fallen from the sky,” says Junho, reaching for a cookie. “I can’t believe everyone made such a big fuss about it.”

“I’m not complaining,” states Eunsang as he shrugs his shoulders, “I forgot to bring an umbrella to school today.”

“Hah, you never change, do you?” chuckles Junho.

“Don’t be so patronizing,” snorts Eunsang.

“Remember when we first got together, and we decided to go to that one shopping district?” Junho reminisces.

“Of course. It was one of our first dates.”

“It was November, so I reminded you to bring a coat in case it started raining or snowing.”

“Then we didn’t have enough money, so going to each of the shops was kind of pointless.”

“So we decided to just spend the day outside walking around the streets hand in hand, admiring the silver sky and metallic skyscrapers.”

“But of course, that day just happened to be the first snowfall of the year.”

“And you being you forgot to bring a thick coat, despite my incessant reminders.”

“That didn’t stop you from taking off your coat and letting me borrow it anyway.”

“Well like you said, it was one of our first dates, so of _course_ I wanted to be the perfect boyfriend and handed you my coat.”

“You pretended to be mad.”

“I wasn’t pretending; I really was mad at you. It was _freezing_ that day.”

“But you still kissed me that day. You were mad but you still kissed me for the very first time.”

“How could I not? The occasion made for a perfect first kiss: you were just standing there, smiling, bundled up in my coat while the snowflakes flurried around you.”

“Then months later I admitted I had a sweatshirt in my backpack the whole time, but I just wanted an excuse to wear your coat.”

“Don’t worry, I never liked that coat anyway. Besides, it looked cuter on you,” Junho says nonchalantly.

Eunsang chokes on his cookie at Junho’s sudden flirtation. Junho quickly realizes the implications of his comment as well and shifts the topic away from their relationship.

“So, how did you and Minhee get together?” he asks curiously. 

Eunsang expected him to ask this question eventually, but actually hearing it come out of Junho’s mouth is a surprise. He prepares to tell the story that he and Minhee agreed on. 

“After you broke-up with me, I went over to his house so he could comfort me. He and I drank together and one thing led to another, and before I knew it we were kissing each other,” he answers, patiently waiting for Junho’s response.

In Eunsang’s mind, this was the part where Junho would react with bitter envy. This was the part where Junho would begin to act out and remind Eunsang of what they once had, and somewhere between the lines, Junho would confess that he hated seeing Eunsang with Minhee, and that he still loved him. 

This was the part where Junho would take him back. 

But instead, Junho remains completely calm.

“Interesting. So you guys got together afterwards?”

Eunsang is perplexed. He just admitted to making out with Junho’s best friend and dating him, yet the latter seems to be completely fine. Either he was an incredible actor or he really didn’t care to begin with.

“Yeah, we decided there was something between us, so we got together.” He’s still secretly hoping for jealousy to overtake Junho. 

_Take me back, take me back, take me back._

“That’s nice,” Junho says contently, giving Eunsang a small smile. “So was there always a spark between you two?”

“I mean, I guess if you count the crush I had on him back in freshman year, then yeah.” 

This time it’s Junho’s turn to choke on his cookie. “You _what?”_

It was true. There was a quick moment in time when Eunsang did like Minhee. Back when they first met in literature class, Eunsang had developed a small crush on him. But Minhee always seemed aloof, never quite picking up on Eunsang’s subtle hints. So Eunsang assumed that his crush was unrequited and eventually his feelings for Minhee faded. Afterwards he ended up with Junho instead, and his feelings for him grew and grew until it eventually blossomed into love. 

But the fake dating scheme with Minhee was almost like an alternate reality. A sort-of “what-if” scenario. 

_So this is what it would be like if Minhee had liked me back freshman year,_ Eunsang would think to himself. 

“You used to like Minhee?” Junho asks in disbelief. 

“It was before we got together,” Eunsang explains, “But it only lasted like two weeks, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t like me back.”

“And then three years later—”

“We started dating. End of story.” 

Once again they’re enveloped by silence, with only the soft sound of chewing to slice the unnerving tension between them.

_Take me back, take me back, take me back._

“I’m happy for you two,” Junho says finally. His response doesn’t sound fake or forced at all. Junho’s tone shows no jealousy, no bitterness, no regret, no sadness.

No heartbreak.

Just complete and genuine contentment and happiness for the new “couple.” 

Eunsang feels a droplet of water slide down his cheek, and for a second he thinks it’s a tear. Then another droplet hits his hand, and he realizes it’s not his teardrops rolling down his face, but raindrops.

Junho also looks up towards the sky, delicately holding out his hand to feel for the droplets of water trickling down. “It looks like it’s going to start pouring soon.”

“Shoot.”

“I would let you borrow my jacket but—”

“I understand. It’s weird.”

“Exactly.”

_But I wish it wasn’t._

The bus pulls over to the curb, and Junho prepares to get on.

“Thanks again for the cookies.”

“Junho, can I ask you something before you leave?”

“Be my guest.”

“Would you ever get back together with me?”

_Take me back, take me back, take me back._

“Eunsang, I think you know the answer to that.” He lightly touches Eunsang’s shoulder before climbing onto the bus.

More raindrops. The rainfall gradually becomes heavier and heavier. 

Eunsang can feel his heart shattering like glass shards as the bus doors close and take Junho farther and farther away from him. 

He remains seated at the bench and lets the rain pour down on him. He’s too frustrated to care about being soaking wet. He’s not sure if he should be frustrated at Junho for not caring or frustrated with himself for caring too much. 

“See, you should’ve borrowed my umbrella,” says a voice from behind him. Eunsang turns around and faces Minhee. At first, he gives Eunsang a playful expression, but it immediately shifts into concern.

“Is everything alright?” 

“Huh?” 

“You look really upset.”

“I-I’m fine,” Eunsang stammers as he gets up, barely able to compose himself.

“No you’re not.” Minhee steps closer to shield Eunsang from the rain. 

Eunsang bites his lip and remains silent.

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

Eunsang shakes his head, unable to speak.

“Hey, let’s get out of the rain, okay?” 

Eunsang nods silently in response and latches onto Minhee’s fingertips as they head towards an overhanging. Once they settle in a dry spot, Minhee closes his umbrella, removes his raincoat, and wraps it around a soaked Eunsang. He keeps stubbornly insisting Eunsang wears it to keep warm, so Eunsang puts on the coat so as to not worry him. Afterwards, the two stand side-by-side, neither of them saying a word. Minhee looks at Eunsang while the latter looks straight ahead. The rain continues to pour. 

Minhee is the first one to interrupt the melody of raindrops. “I love—” His voice trails off and he bites his lip. 

“What is it?”

“I love the sound of rain. That’s all.”

“Yeah, it’s comforting.” 

The two go quiet again and go back to listening to the rain’s quiet song. The melody continues. The sound of car horns and tires skidding on wet asphalt join the sound of rainfall, creating a calm harmony. 

Eunsang can’t stand the awkward silence, so he interrupts the rain’s harmony. “Junho isn’t taking me back anytime soon,” he says bluntly, tugging the collar of Minhee’s coat closer to him.

“What makes you say that?”

“He told me. Well, he didn’t explicitly say it, but he didn’t exactly hide it either.”

“Oh.”

“You know, a year ago he promised to take me to Paris. He always took me to our favorite Parisian café, but he told me one day he would take me to a real one. He told me we’d do all these romantic things together.”

“Just like a fairytale?”

“Exactly like a fairytale. But I guess there’s a reason why people always say fairytales are for kids.”

“Don’t say that.”

“No, they’re right. I need to stop wishing for a happy ending because life isn’t like that. Reality sucks sometimes, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah. It does. But that doesn’t mean there’s no happy endings in life.”

“Where’s mine then?”

“It’ll come.”

“When? I’ve been messing around with you for almost two months and my happy ending seems long gone.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s my fault for stupidly thinking he could love me back.”

Minhee looks like he’s about to say something, but instead he purses his lips and lets out a frustrated sigh.

Quiet again. More rainfall. 

After a few more minutes, Minhee turns towards Eunsang and gives him a soft smile before ruffling his wet hair. “Tell you what. It’s Friday night, and neither of us have plans, so why don’t you spend the night at my place? I’ll put on a movie and cook your favorite ramen! I also have some books in my room you can choose from if you want to read. I don’t care what we do; just come over and we can just hang-out. It’s no Paris, obviously, but at least we’ll be together and we don’t have to think about anything or anyone else but each other.”

Somehow Minhee’s endearment almost made Eunsang forget about Junho.

Almost.

He gives Minhee a pained smile before wrapping his arms around his neck and resting his face on his shoulder. His pretend lover hugs his waist and kisses the top of his head, and Eunsang can feel Minhee’s heartbeat begin to pick up speed. 

“You really are my Prince Charming.” He hugs Minhee even tighter, not wanting to let go of him. “You’d make a perfect boyfriend, you know that?”

“I-I—” Minhee pauses. “I would?”

“Yeah, you would. If only all of this was real.”

Minhee’s heartbeat stops. 

Then, he vigorously pushes Eunsang off of him. Eunsang stumbles back, still dazed and confused as to what Minhee just did. 

“Do you want this to be real?” Minhee questions, staring intently at him. 

Eunsang catches a glint of emotion in Minhee’s eyes, but he can’t tell if it’s desperation or desire. It’s hard to differentiate between the two.

He can’t quite register the question, so he remains silent, clutching the jacket collar tightly. He turns away and looks down at the slick asphalt to avoid Minhee’s gaze. 

If it weren’t for the continuous, never-ending symphony of raindrops, the two of them would be surrounded by strained silence.

“Eunsang, I’m asking you again. Do you want this to be real?”


	6. How to Not Explode

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junho still loved Eunsang, but he wasn’t sure if it was enough to stay with him, and it left him both confused and petrified. 
> 
> He hates himself for being so unsure.

**"They say there’s no point in regretting but  
I’ll keep thinking of you (I was wrong)" — _Hope Not,_ Blackpink**

“So what was that kiss about?”

_It’s only been three days; not even a week. There’s no way he moved on that quickly._

“Yeah, Minhee and I are together now,” Eunsang announces. 

_Don’t give them a reaction. That’s what they want from you._

Eunsang and Minhee continue looking at him, patiently waiting for him to respond. Eunsang is practically glued to Minhee’s side, and he tightens his grip on his new boyfriend’s arm while he anticipates an answer. 

“Good for you guys,” he says, hoping they don’t notice the tension in his voice. “So Eunsang, I’m assuming you’re doing fine then?”

_Say no. Say you’re not fine. There’s no way you can be fine when I’m not._

“Better than ever.”

That’s when Junho feels his heart burst open. 

_Don’t explode, don’t explode, don’t explode. Just stay calm and nonchalant. Calm and nonchalant._

“Well, it’s nice to see you two getting along,” he answers as casually as he can. He plasters a cheerful façade to conceal his irritation and anger. “I should get going; I’m meeting up with Dongpyo and Hyeongjun. I’ll see you guys later!” 

_Good. I think they fell for it. Now just walk away and pretend everything’s alright before you explode like a burning building._

He keeps walking briskly, refusing to turn around in case Minhee and Eunsang are back to being affectionate. He continues to walk further and further away until he finally arrives at the bus stop where Dongpyo and Hyeongjun are waiting for him.

“You look like you're about to explode,” Dongpyo points out when he sees Junho. 

“Not in the mood,” Junho says sullenly through clenched teeth.

“Dongpyo, don’t be rude!” scolds Hyeongjun before shifting his concern towards Junho. “Are you alright? I heard about you and Eunsang.”

_If they can pretend, then so can I._

“Better than ever.”

—

“Being single is weird,” Junho says to Minhee a few days later while they’re studying.

“Wow, it’s been three years,” Minhee suddenly realizes, looking up from his laptop. “How is it?”

“I keep expecting things,” Junho explains ambivalently. “Like, when I woke up the morning after we broke-up, I was worried when I didn’t have a good morning text from him. I kept expecting him to send one. I mean, I got one every morning for three years straight, so not receiving that first message from him that morning was unsettling. I thought something had happened to him, or he couldn’t get to his phone, but then I suddenly remembered everything that happened the night before.”

“He might have just been busy the morning after,” Minhee says nonchalantly. After Minhee realizes the implications of his statement, he nervously pretends to cough to ease the sudden tension and goes back to rapidly typing on his laptop. 

“That’s right, he was at your place,” Junho mentions suspiciously, eyeing his best friend curiously. “So, you and Eunsang, huh?”

Minhee immediately stops typing and looks up from his work with his eyes wide. “What about us?” he asks anxiously.

“You guys are together now?”

“Yeah, it’s been almost a week.”

“Officially?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Interesting.”

“Are you mad about it?” 

_Me? Mad about my best friend and ex getting together not even days after we ended our three-year relationship? Me, mad about Eunsang suddenly dating you while I’m still missing his good morning texts?_

“Of course not,” lies Junho, curling his lips into a tight smile. “Besides, you guys were already close friends, so it’d make sense that he’d suddenly use you as a rebound,” he says derisively. 

“You think he’s just rebounding?” Minhee asks. His tone surprises Junho, but he knows why Minhee is suddenly being defensive. It’s probably some stupid step in his stupid scheme with Eunsang.

“I’m sorry, my bad,” Junho says mockingly, “My ex is _definitely_ not rebounding off of you. I’m sure he’s dating you because he genuinely has feelings for you, and _not_ because he needs a coping mechanism to deal with the sudden break-up.”

“You _are_ mad,” confronts Minhee. “You don’t like that we’re together.”

“I’m not stopping you from dating Eunsang, if that’s what you’re worried about,” says Junho. “Besides, I was the one who dumped him. I’m just saying, it is _awfully_ suspicious that you guys got together days after I broke up with him.”

“You’re doubting us, aren’t you?” Minhee accuses. “I can hear it in your voice.”

“Minhee, I know you. I know you’re smarter than this,” snaps Junho. “You have to know that you’re in over your head. You know that whatever is happening between you and Eunsang isn’t real, right?”

Minhee looks at Junho analytically as he interprets what he just said. “So you know?” 

_Don’t explode, don’t explode, don’t explode._

He takes a deep breath to calm down and prevent himself from bursting into flames.

“I don’t know the specifics about you and Eunsang. I don’t know how you guys got together or why you _guys_ got together. All I know about is us, and that what happened between us isn’t the same as what’s happening between you guys. What Eunsang and I had was real, what you two have isn’t.” 

—

“I still can’t believe Eunsang and Minhee got together!” whispers Dongpyo, observing the new couple from their lunch table. 

“Right,” continues Hyeongjun. “I just think it’s weird that they started dating so soon.”

The three of them turn towards the table on the other side of the cafeteria, where the pair sat and chatted with one another. They’re sitting on the same side of the table, but their chairs are turned so they can face each other. Minhee must’ve said something hilariously witty just now, because Eunsang suddenly bursts into hysterical laughter and begins playfully pushing Minhee around. The latter starts laughing alongside him before cusping his hand around the nape of Eunsang’s neck and pulling him close.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen them apart since they became a thing,” snorts Dongpyo mockingly. 

“Me neither,” says Hyeongjun, disgusted with the PDA. “Eunsang literally got out of a relationship _last week._ Has Minhee even dated anyone before? How are they so comfortable with one another?”

Ever since the break-up, Junho had been eating lunch with Hyeongjun and Dongpyo. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to eat with Minhee; in fact, he missed spending time with him, and longed for his best friend’s presence. But Eunsang was always him, holding his hand or resting his head on his shoulder. The thought of eating lunch with his ex, who happened to be his best-friend’s new “boyfriend,” made Junho uncomfortable. Plus, things between him and Minhee had been tense and awkward since their conversation last week. 

“I have to hand it to you, Junho,” says Hyeongjun admiringly, “You’re taking this surprisingly well!”

Junho simply shrugs in response before taking another bite of his lunch. It wasn’t that it didn’t bother him—it did—but Junho refuses to give them the reaction they want.

He knows it’s fake. 

Junho knows Eunsang and Minhee inside-and-out. He knows all the superficial details and facts about them. He knows the surface-level tidbits like their favorite colors, their favorite artists, their interests. He knows their weird little TMIs. He knows their biggest hopes and aspirations: the things they want in life. He also knows the flaws that haunt them and eat at them from within. He knows their desires, their weaknesses, and the multiple experiences that shaped them into the people they are today. 

He also knows that under any other circumstance, they would have never gotten together. 

Minhee, for example, was too smart to suddenly date someone who had just been dumped and was single for the first time in years. Not to mention, he had never been in a relationship before, and going after someone who was still recovering from an unexpected break up would be too much for him to handle.

However, he _was_ smart enough to formulate and execute a twisted, yet clever, scheme that would mess with Junho’s mind. 

Aside from Minhee’s naturally bright intellect, he was also good at putting on a façade. Minhee was a master at painting the perfect front, and if he wanted to, he could easily hide the truth and execute a faultlessly believable lie. 

But Junho knew Minhee too well, and he wasn’t going to buy into his best friend’s game. 

Then there was Eunsang.

Eunsang was promised many things. Eunsang was promised a future. Eunsang was promised a perfect fairytale ending.

All of those promises were broken before he could even process the world crumbling around him. 

He knew Eunsang was hurt. He knew Eunsang was heartbroken. He knew Eunsang was desperate. 

He knew Eunsang was still in love with him.

Eunsang would do _anything_ to win him back, even if it meant pretending to date Minhee. 

When he stitches all the pieces together, everything becomes clear, and Junho can easily see through their little lie. He knows this is all just some elaborate set-up to make him envious and come crawling back to Eunsang. He knows they’re just waiting for jealousy to ignite inside of him like fire and spread its insanity throughout his veins. 

Frankly, Junho isn’t having it, and he isn’t going to let a pretend couple mess with him.

At least that’s what he keeps telling himself.

—

Junho found it funny that he could miss something without even realizing he missed it. 

It was Friday, and Minhee was over for the first time in a while. Even before everything happened they had hung out less and less due to increasing schoolwork and busy schedules. 

Of course he still saw Minhee everyday at school, but having him over that Friday night made Junho realize how much he truly missed his best friend. He missed Minhee’s witty remarks and cynical sarcasm. He missed Minhee’s long-winded anecdotes and persistent whining. He missed their sleepovers from freshman year. He missed the times when they’d attack each other with pillows and nearly smother each other to death. He missed the times when they’d rewatch their favorite movies until both of them fell asleep at 4 AM. 

He missed when they were still young and innocent, and didn’t spend their days stressing over boyfriends and broken hearts and forgotten futures. 

Both of them were sprawled out on the floor, lying inside the cozy blanket fort they constructed earlier that night. The two of them had a blast building their make-shift fort, stacking the couch cushions on top of each other and excitedly jumping with satisfaction and when they _finally_ managed to successfully drape the fluffy comforters without their structure of cushions caving in. For a moment they were thirteen again, and for a moment everything was simple again. 

Afterwards, both of them settled in for the night and enjoyed each other’s company in silence. Minhee was reading a book, flipping through the pages quickly and murmuring the words to himself as he got closer and closer to the end of the story. Junho mainly scrolled through his social media, chuckling at memes and jokes about the world ending. 

Neither of them mention Eunsang, and both of them know it’s better this way. 

“No! No freaking way! No, no, no, _no!_ ” Minhee screams into his pillow, repeatedly slamming his book on the floor.

“Plot twist?” asks Junho, looking up from his phone. 

“I’m reading this mystery novel,” explains Minhee, “I just found out that one of the characters was alive this whole time—”

“And faked his death to escape the weight of society?” interrupts Junho.

“Yes! How did I not catch this!” Minhee says exasperatedly. “Ugh, now I have to reread it to pick up on all the nuances I missed!”

“The second read is way more enjoyable because now you can connect all the little clues.”

“I didn’t know you’ve read this book before?”

“I read it a few years back.”

_One happy, little surprise after another._

“Minhee, can I ask you something?” Junho says suddenly. 

“Go for it.”

“Would you ever lie to me?”

“I lie to you all the time,” snorts Minhee.

“What?” Junho feels himself starting to boil over, on the brink of being engulfed in red flames. 

“Yeah, like yesterday when you asked if I liked your outfit, I lied and said you looked great,” he snickers mischievously. 

“What was wrong with my outfit?” whines Junho.

“What was right about it?” Minhee taunts.

“Fuck you,” Junho spits. “Yesterday’s outfit was _impeccable._ ”

“Dude, you were wearing a pink cardigan.”

“Exactly my point. I was dressed like the epitome of style.”

“What _style?_ You were dressed like a grandma.”

“You’re one to talk Mr. Only Wears Striped Shirts and White T-Shirts.”

“Hey, sometimes I switch it up!” 

“Your closet begs to differ.”

“Don’t act like you hate my fashion sense when you ask to borrow my clothes all the time.”

“Wait, we’re getting off-track.”

“I already answered your question,” says Minhee. “And I _still_ stand by the fact that yesterday’s outfit made you look like a grandma.”

“Okay, but—” Junho sits up and stops mid-sentence to ponder over his question. “I didn’t mean harmless white lies, even though I _know_ deep-down you liked the pink cardigan.”

“I don’t, but continue.”

“What I meant was, would you ever keep things from me?” he asks. “Like if you had a big secret or knew something that would change everything, would you keep it from me?”

For a second, Junho sees a flash of guilt on Minhee’s face, but his best friend quickly puts on a stoic mask as he begins to think over his response. He slowly closes the book and sits up to face Junho. 

They sit across from each other in silence. Minhee is hunched over with his cheeks puffed out while he continues to formulate his answer. 

A minute passes. Still silent.

Junho becomes more and more afraid of Minhee’s answer. 

Minhee doesn’t speak for another minute.

“If I knew you’d be happier never knowing the reality, I’d hide it from you,” he answers finally. 

Junho can tell Minhee’s response was carefully constructed, as if he was making sure to not let anything slip. The attentiveness and thought he put into his answer doesn’t reassure or comfort Junho at all. In fact, it does the opposite. It finally hits him that Minhee has no issue with lying to him. Minhee was already lying to him by persistently insisting his “relationship” with Eunsang was real. 

Minhee was probably lying about something else way before he and Eunsang began fake-dating. 

“So you would? You would keep things from me and lie to my face?”

Minhee stays silent, gazing at the floor to avoid eye contact and chewing on the inside of his cheek. 

_Don’t explode, don’t explode, don’t explode._

“I think I got my answer. Thanks.”

—

Monday morning. The sunlight tickles Junho’s still droopy eyelids, signaling that it’s time for him to wake up. After forcing himself to finally open his eyes, Junho turns on his phone to check for any new messages. 

It’s been a month-and-a-half, but he still finds himself expecting a good morning text. 

His heart skips a beat when a notification pops up, but it slows back down when he sees it’s just several missed calls from Dongpyo. A groggy Junho groans as he searches for Dongpyo’s contact and calls him.

“Where are you?” demands Dongpyo on the other end.

“Well good morning to you too,” hisses Junho.

“Junho, where are you?” asks Hyeongjun. 

“At home? I just woke up.”

“You forgot, didn’t you?” Dongpyo says disapprovingly.

“Forgot what?”

“We have a chemistry report for Mrs. Park due next week remember?” reminds Hyeongjun. “We agreed to meet at the library before school started to look for research topics.”

“Ugh, I hate chemistry,” groans Junho.

“Don’t we all,” says Dongpyo. “Anyway, just try to get here soon. Hyeongjun and I are gonna get a headstart.”

Yawning, Junho sleepily stumbles out of bed and gets ready, barely managing to catch the next bus to school.

“Finally!” says Dongpyo when he sees Junho headed towards their table. 

“How’s the research going?”

Dongpyo rolls his eyes while Hyeongjun slams his head on the table. 

“Mrs. Park is the worst!” he groans. “Dongpyo and I have been skimming these encyclopedias and journals for almost a half hour and _nothing_ makes sense to us!”

“I wish I was good at chemistry,” sighs a frustrated Dongpyo. “I will never understand how Minhee and Eunsang have A’s.”

As if on cue, a familiar laugh echoes throughout the library. It’s a distinct laugh, one that Junho has heard for years. He whips his head around and finds Minhee and Eunsang seated at a small table for two. Minhee is smiling wide with his eyes crinkled, and he lets out another exuberant laugh. Eunsang’s back is faced towards Junho, but the latter can tell he’s also laughing alongside Minhee. 

Junho knows he shouldn’t, but he can’t turn away from them, so he continues to look at them and watch from afar. 

But he’s not looking at Eunsang.

He’s looking at Minhee.

Minhee looks up and meets Junho’s eyes, and that same flash of guilt he saw during their sleepover returns for a split second. Minhee quickly turns away from him and faces Eunsang again.

_He knows that I know._

_He knows that I know that whatever is happening between them is all a lie._

_Does this mean Eunsang knows too?_

_Does this mean Eunsang knows none of this is working and none of this is real, yet he chooses to stay with Minhee anyway?_

Junho immediately erases those thoughts from his mind. 

He knows the more he thinks about them, the more likely he is to explode and catch fire. 

—

Junho found it funny that he could miss something without even realizing he missed it. But as he took a bite of Eunsang’s signature mint chocolate-chip cookies, he realized he missed eating them. He missed the way the chunks of chocolate melted in his mouth, or the way the cool taste of mint waltzed on his taste buds, leaving a light, chilling aftertaste on his tongue. He missed showing up to school and being surprised with another box of freshly baked sweets. He missed the way Eunsang would smile with satisfaction after he took a bite. He missed Eunsang hugging him and planting a kiss on his cheek before promising to catch up with him later. 

The two of them sat on the bench together, patiently waiting for the arrival of Junho’s bus while they shared cookies and reminisced over their first kiss.

“But you still kissed me that day,” Eunsang remembers. “You were mad but you still kissed me for the very first time.”

“How could I not?” Junho sighs dreamily. “The occasion made for a perfect first kiss: you were just standing there, smiling, bundled up in my coat while the snowflakes flurried around you.”

“Then months later I admitted I had a sweatshirt in my backpack the whole time, but I just wanted an excuse to wear your coat,” chuckles Eunsang. 

“Don’t worry, I never liked that coat anyway. Besides, it looked cuter on you.”

_What the fuck._

_Why the fuck would you say that!?_

Eunsang chokes on this cookie and begins coughing, and to ease the sudden awkwardness, Junho sputters out the first thing that comes to mind. 

“So, how did you and Minhee get together?” he asks. Eunsang widens his eyes, surprised at Junho’s curiosity.

“After you broke up with me, I went over to his house so he could comfort me. He and I drank together and one thing led to another, and before I knew it we were kissing each other,” he explains. 

Junho knows it’s all fake, but the image of a wasted Eunsang and Minhee kissing each other pierces his heart. 

“Interesting,” he says, hoping Eunsang doesn’t notice the tightness in his throat. “So you guys got together afterwards?”

Eunsang looks at him quizzically, as if he’s struggling to interpret Junho’s questions.

“Yeah, we decided there was something between us, so we got together.” 

“That’s nice. So was there always a spark between you two?”

“I mean, I guess if you count the crush I had on him back in freshman year, then yeah.” 

“You _what?”_ coughs Junho, choking on his cookie. He was expecting a formulated response, just like how the previous answers to his questions were all planned-out. The last thing he anticipated was the sudden revelation that there was a point in time when his ex liked his best friend. 

_Don’t explode, don’t explode, don’t explode._

“You used to like Minhee?” Junho is praying that this is just another step in Eunsang and Minhee’s plan, another detail perfectly planted to tick him off. 

“It was before we got together. But it only lasted like two weeks, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t like me back.”

“And then three years later—”

“We started dating. End of story.” 

_Don’t explode, don’t explode, don’t explode._

_If you catch fire, you’ll end up setting yourself ablaze, and you’ll burn until you’ve been reduced to nothing but black dust blowing in the wind._

_Whatever you do, don’t explode, and don’t catch fire._

“I’m happy for you two.”

Drops of water begin splashing on them. Junho looks up at the colorless sky, opening up his hand to catch the cold raindrops. 

“It looks like it’s going to start pouring soon,” he says flatly.

“Shoot,” mutters Eunsang. 

“I would let you borrow my jacket but—”

“I understand. It’s weird.”

“Exactly.”

The bus arrives, and Junho gets up from the bench. 

“Thanks again for the cookies,” he says, clutching the pink tupperware close to his chest. 

“Junho, can I ask you something before you leave?” Eunsang pleads, looking up at him longingly. There’s a desperation in his voice, the same desperation that was present during that night at the cafe. 

“Be my guest.”

“Would you ever get back together with me?” Eunsang’s eyes are wide with despair, begging for Junho to take him back. 

“Eunsang, I think you know the answer to that.” 

_The answer is yes. The answer will always be yes._

He reaches out to touch Eunsang’s shoulder, resisting the temptation to pull him close. Instead, he lets his fingers slide off of him before turning away and getting on the bus.

Junho had never felt as lonely as he did during that bus-ride back home. He just sat in solitude, paralyzed by overwhelming loneliness and longing. The view outside the bus window began to blur, and images that were once crystal clear were distorted with droplets of water trickling down the glass pane. The rest of the world began to blur as well, making Junho feel even more isolated. 

He never felt this lonely when Eunsang was his. 

Eunsang was his.

_Was._

Now he was Minhee’s. 

Now Minhee was the one eating lunch with him. Now Minhee was the one holding him close. Now Minhee was the one showering Eunsang with endless kisses. Now Minhee was the one taking him home and holding Eunsang’s hand while the latter rested his head on his shoulder. 

Instead of sharing scones and drinking way-too-hot hot chocolate in Parisian cafes with Junho, Eunsang was sharing marvelous stories and worn-down books at the library with Minhee. 

Eunsang gave pieces of himself to Minhee. Eunsang gave him his favorite novel. Eunsang gave him mint-chocolate cookies. 

Even before Eunsang gave his heart to Junho, he had given it to Minhee first. 

From now on, Eunsang was Minhee’s, even if it was just pretend. 

_“I need to think about how I feel.”_

The orange embers that once waited to ignite and catch ablaze inside of Junho have been extinguished. He doesn’t feel that red, raging anger burning inside of him anymore. He just feels lonelier and lonelier, and that sense of icy isolation grows stronger and stronger as the bus ride continues. 

The bus comes to a halt, indicating that it has arrived at Junho’s stop. He gets up and pushes through the thin glass doors. As soon as he steps off, he’s immediately hit by the cold, wet air left behind by the rain. 

When the chilling air hits him, so do the memories.

_“Christ, it’s freezing out here!”_

_“I’m sorry for forgetting my coat. I should’ve brought my own.”_

_“Yeah, you really should have!”_

_“I didn’t think it would snow today! But you have to admit, it is pretty isn’t it? Just look at these snowflakes!”_

_Eunsang spun around with his mouth wide open, letting the delicate white flurries land on his tongue. Junho felt his heart beat faster as Eunsang continued to stand in the snow and admire the arrival of winter._

_Suddenly, Junho wasn’t angry anymore and suddenly he was grabbing Eunsang’s arm and pulling him close and suddenly his lips were on Eunsang’s and suddenly Eunsang was kissing him back and suddenly Junho felt as light as the snowflakes swirling around them._

He tucks the memory back into the crevices of his mind and opens the door to his house. The heater’s on. There’s a small wisp of a flame burning on the stovetop while the aroma of his mom’s cooking seeps throughout the rooms. Despite the warmth of his home, Junho can’t overcome the cold. The memories keep bombarding him, leaving him buried under a thick, stinging avalanche of hard, compact snow. 

He heads to his room, slamming the door shut in an attempt to keep out the freezing air. He collapses against the door, breathing heavily and hugging the box of cookies closer to him. 

_I thought I was done feeling this way. I thought we moved past this three years ago._

Junho needs a distraction, something simple or small to stop this glacial explosion inside of him, so he pops open the pink lid of the tupperware and reaches for a cookie. 

When the fresh scent hits him, fragments of his past relationship come crashing back down like broken icicles smashing on black rocks.

_“I love you, Cha Junho.”_

_“Where do we go from here, Junho?”_

_“No matter what happens, I’ll still love you. You know that, right?”_

That’s when Junho finally explodes and crumples to the floor, unable to escape the blizzard of memories and constant reminders that he let go of the best thing that ever happened to him. 

—

Junho hates himself for what he did to Eunsang. 

He hates himself for pushing away Eunsang. He hates himself for doubting their perfect relationship. He hates himself for destroying not just their future, but Eunsang as well. 

Everytime he replays the night of their break-up, and he remembers a devastated Eunsang collapsed against his chair, biting his lip and fighting to hold back tears, he hates himself a little bit more. 

There was a twisted humor to the whole situation: Junho was the one who initiated the relationship, yet he was the one who ultimately ended it.

It wasn’t that their relationship was _bad._ If anything, it was the opposite. Everything about his relationship with Eunsang was practically perfect.

Almost _too_ perfect.

Their second anniversary all they talked about was visiting Paris and staying in their own rose-colored bubble forever.

When Junho sat across from Eunsang at their favorite cafe during their third anniversary, he realized that this was it. Eunsang was his everything. It shouldn’t have been an issue, but for some reason the thought troubled Junho. After three years, their destiny was locked and they would probably stay with each other throughout university and adulthood before ultimately getting married. After three years, they had merged into a single being, never one without the other. After three years, their livelihoods completely revolved around one another, and neither of them had even realized the sudden shift. Neither of them had realized they had spent the past three years stuck in their predictable, static bubble. Suddenly, the idea of going to Paris seemed so frivolous and unrealistic, and in the months following their third anniversary, Junho stopped bringing up his old promise until he himself forgot about it.

The Junho on their second anniversary couldn’t imagine not spending the rest of his life with Eunsang. The Junho on their third anniversary couldn’t help but wonder how they even lasted this long, and the idea of staying together even longer didn’t excite him. 

_This is it. The rest of my life is just him._

Eunsang was his everything, and that’s the way it had been. But after three years, Junho didn’t want it to be that way anymore. 

He and Eunsang had spent their whole relationship chasing perfection and illustrating a dreamlike fantasy. But one day Junho woke up and realized he hadn’t actively chased that dream in months. He was scared to admit why he stopped, but the truth was continuously chasing after a perfect future with Eunsang was wearing him down. He was starting to question whether or not it was worth chasing those dreams again. But as the months went by, that idealistic fairytale he once craved continued to drift further and further away, and Junho decided running after them would just be a waste of time. 

He hates himself for not chasing after those dreams. 

Afterwards his relationship with Eunsang began to feel dormant. He didn’t feel excited to see Eunsang in the morning. There were no butterflies fluttering in his stomach whenever he thought about them and their late-night rendez-vous. On his end, it didn’t feel like he and Eunsang were a couple anymore. There were times when they just co-existed in awkward silence, but Junho forced himself to stay for the sake of staying.

He still loved Eunsang, but he wasn’t sure if it was enough to stay with him, and it left him both confused and petrified. 

He hates himself for being so unsure.

Their relationship was just like the view outside the bus window. Their relationship was once crystal clear, but with each new droplet of doubt, everything became blurrier and blurrier until Junho couldn’t make out a future with Eunsang anymore. 

Then it started getting to a point where he couldn’t hide his inner conflict from Eunsang anymore. The air around them would always be tense and strained, and neither of them knew how to revert back to comfortable normality. Eunsang began picking up on Junho’s subtleties, and he was always interrogating him about it. Junho wasn’t lying whenever he answered Eunsang’s constant questions with “I don’t know.” He knew that on the other end, it sounded like some bullshit response lazily uttered in order to cover up an ugly truth, but Junho genuinely didn’t know what was wrong. He didn’t know why he was finding himself falling less and less in love with Eunsang and why he was finding less and less reasons to stay. 

But he knew he couldn’t continue dragging Eunsang into his own personal battle, and after Minhee insisted that taking time for himself would be beneficial, he came to the heart wrenching conclusion that he needed to cut Eunsang loose. 

At the time he thought he was doing the right thing, but after seeing the way Eunsang desperately clung onto Minhee like a lifeline, he realized that leaving Eunsang heartbroken and alone without any closure was the worst thing he had ever done in his life.

He realized the break-up didn’t destroy just Eunsang.

It destroyed him as well. 

After Eunsang left the cafe the night of their break-up, Junho stayed back for another hour, sitting alone at a table meant for two, wondering how their once perfect paradise had crumbled into pieces just like the soft, flaky croissant on his plate. 

At the time he convinced himself that everything would be okay when they got back to school that next Monday. Sure, things would be weird and he’d have to adjust to being single, but he’d be over the initial pain of his and Eunsang’s separation. After a few more days, he’d be at peace with the whole situation, and, eventually, so would Eunsang.

Of course, it was easier said than done, and watching Minhee lean in to kiss Eunsang days after the break-up made Junho want to violently erupt and scream into the sky. 

Even after witnessing that first kiss, he kept trying to convince himself. He kept trying to convince himself that he shouldn’t let a fake relationship bother him because at the end of the day, Eunsang and Minhee weren’t _really_ together, therefore it would be unreasonable to react over something that didn’t exist. 

But after weeks and weeks of watching them together and seeing what could have been if he just held on tighter instead of letting go, Junho couldn’t take it anymore. 

Junho found it funny that he could miss Eunsang without even realizing he missed him.

He misses waking up every morning and reading a sweet message from Eunsang. 

He misses taking Eunsang to their favorite cafe after school and toasting their mugs of hot chocolate, only to immediately burn their tongues after taking a sip. 

He misses Eunsang bringing him his favorite cookies. 

He misses the way Eunsang would ramble on and on about his favorite books, constantly bombarding him with new reading recommendations. 

He misses sitting at home with Eunsang and listening to his soft humming. 

He misses lending his coat to Eunsang whenever it was cold and he wasn’t wearing one, then pretending to be frustrated with him for forgetting to bring a jacket.

He misses their late-night conversations at bus stops under the moonlight, and the way Eunsang would fall asleep on his shoulder during the ride home. 

He misses hearing Eunsang whisper I love you. 

He misses being suddenly whisked away to the streets of Paris whenever his lips touched Eunsang’s.

He misses the simple moments, when he’d just look at Eunsang and fall a little bit more in love. 

He misses Eunsang so much that he spends the next few hours sitting on the floor, pressed against the door and continuously slamming his head against the wall while failing to hold back sobs. 

He misses Eunsang so much that he feels like he’s about to explode. 

After spending the whole afternoon drowning in regret, Junho finally manages to get up and compose himself.

He makes a phone call. 

He doesn’t expect anything, but to his surprise, the call doesn’t go to voicemail.

Eunsang picked up.

“Hey,” he sighs shakily.

“Have you been crying?” 

“I just needed to talk to you. There were things I didn’t say at the bus stop earlier today that I want to say now. Do you have a moment?”

The other end goes silent. Junho keeps the phone to his ear, waiting for Eunsang to respond. 

“C-Can you give me a second?” asks a stunned Eunsang. The other end becomes muffled, and Junho can hear Eunsang conversing with another voice. 

Minhee’s voice.

_He’s at Minhee’s. He’s at Minhee’s and Minhee was probably just clutching him tight and scattering kisses all over him while they laugh together, just like how we used to._

_But it’s all just pretend, isn’t it?_

_Please tell me it’s all just pretend._

Junho hears footsteps and a door close, then finally, Eunsang’s voice. “Sorry, I just had to leave the room for a bit,” he explains. “What did you want to talk about?”

“I know what you’re doing,” Junho admits. “I know you and Minhee aren’t really dating, and this whole plan was to make me jealous so I’d take you back.”

Eunsang goes quiet on the other end but after a few seconds he lets out a soft chuckle. Junho can practically picture Eunsang’s signature dimpled smile and twinkly eyes, and it agonizes him even more. 

Junho didn’t think it was possible, but he couldn’t help but fall a little bit more in love when he heard Eunsang's little laugh. 

Finally, Eunsang interrupts the silence with a single question. 

“Did it work?”


	7. Let Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s something about Eunsang that makes Minhee believe that at the end of the day, getting his heart broken is worth it.

**"I’ve shown you my all tonight  
Now look carefully at me" — _Reveal,_ The Boyz**

“Do you want this to be real?” 

Eunsang turns away from him and stares at the ground, observing the raindrops pooling together into muddy puddles. 

No response. 

Only rainfall. 

Minhee genuinely does appreciate the sound of rain. He’s always loved listening to rain hit the asphalt and dissolve into the fresh grass. He’s always loved thinking about what will happen once the rain’s song comes to its mellow conclusion: maybe a rainbow stripe would pop against the clear sky or a little sprout would pop up from beneath the damp dirt. 

But right now the rain’s song was driving him absolutely insane, and right now all he wants is the rain to stop pouring and for Eunsang to open his mouth and say _anything._

“Eunsang, I’m asking you again,” he says more forcefully. “Do you want this to be real?” He reaches out to lightly touch Eunsang’s fingertips, but the latter pulls away the moment they come in contact. 

“I don’t want to talk about it right now,” Eunsang says bluntly. 

“Why not?”

“I just don’t want to think about it.”

“You don’t want to think about us being real?”

“Minhee, I need time.”

“I know, I know,” Minhee says exasperatedly. “But somewhere along the line, eventually, when you’re ready, do you want this to be real?” 

“What are you even asking me right now?” 

“I guess what I’m trying to ask is—” He pauses for a moment. Eunsang is still turned away from him, watching the clear raindrops bounce on the gray puddles. 

“Do you love me?” Minhee blurts out.

“Of course I do.”

“No, not like a friend, I mean—” His voice trails off as he struggles to find the words. 

“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.”

“Eunsang, don’t be so naïve,” mutters Minhee. 

Eunsang widens his eyes and clenches his jaw tight. His entire mood shifts the second he hears the final word of Minhee’s sentence. 

“Don’t call me that,” he says icily. 

“What? _Naïve?”_ scoffs Minhee. “Because honestly Eunsang, you’re acting like it right now.”

“I mean it,” Eunsang says indignantly, turning towards Minhee. “Don’t call me that. Don’t treat me like I’m dumb and oblivious. Don’t treat me like your subordinate, because I’m _not.”_

“When did I ever say you were my subordinate? Now you’re just putting words in my mouth,” Minhee retorts coldly. “You’re just acting naïve right now, and the fact that you’re assuming things proves my point.” 

Eunsang’s eyes go wide at Minhee’s sudden temper and he steps away from him. “You really are Junho’s best friend,” he chuckles cynically. 

“Eunsang—”

“Just stop.”

“Can’t I at least get an answer? What even is this weird arrangement we have?” 

“I don’t know,” Eunsang whispers unsurely. He looks back down and mindlessly kicks the wet gravel around to distract himself. 

“What do you mean ‘you don’t know?’”

“Minhee, you are so good to me,” Eunsang sighs wistfully, continuing to avoid Minhee’s eyes. “But at the same time, Junho—”

“You said so yourself: Junho isn’t taking you back anytime soon.”

Eunsang stiffens and closes his eyes. “You don’t have to throw it in my face.”

“Then just answer the question, Eunsang,” Minhee demands. “Do you want this to be real?” He’s getting impatient, and he can feel his voice rise at Eunsang’s uncertainty.

“Why do you keep asking me?” Eunsang asks abrasively. Minhee senses that Eunsang is getting irritated with the question, but he refuses to back down until he gets a clear answer.

“You’re the one who brought it up,” Minhee spits back defensively. 

“Well, what about you?” snaps Eunsang, suddenly turning towards him. “You haven’t exactly been subtle with your actions. You’re always acting like a flirt and holding or touching me when you think I don’t notice or kissing me when there’s nobody even looking.”

“Because it’s part of our plan!” 

“Yeah, our plan was to act like that around Junho, not to be a legitimate couple 24/7.”

“Yet you’ve never been reluctant to push me away or decline my affection. It’s not like you’ve ever told me to stop. In fact, you do the _opposite._ You tell me to do it again and again. What about that, Eunsang? Is that part of your plan?”

“Do you even consider it a plan at this point?” 

“Can you stop dodging the question and just give me an answer?”

“I gave you an answer, and my answer is ‘I don’t know.’”

“You don’t know what’s going on between us or you’d don’t know if you want this to be real?”

“Both, okay? So stop asking.”

“‘I don’t know’ isn’t a sufficient answer.”

“Yes it is. It means whatever is going on between us is weird and confusing and doesn’t make any sense because sometimes I feel so comfortable around you and other times I don’t even know why you keep doing the things you do. Sometimes I think there’s nothing going on between us and other times I find myself questioning everything. Sometimes it seems like we’re just pretending and other times it feels too real to be _just_ pretend.”

“I’m just doing what you told me to.”

“But now we’ve been doing this for two months and things are getting more and more complicated and I don’t know where any of us stand and it _hurts.”_

“I told you from the start someone would get hurt.”

“Regardless, you agreed, so stop putting all the blame on me.”

“If it hurts so much, why are we still doing this?” 

“I can’t let go but I also can’t hold on.”

“What does that even mean?” Minhee cries out in frustration.

Silence again. Minhee just wants to tear his hair out and scream at the silver clouds and tell the rain to shut up and listen, because Eunsang has something to say.

But Eunsang doesn’t still doesn’t say anything. 

“You said I’d make the perfect boyfriend,” reminds Minhee.

“I wasn’t lying,” Eunsang answers honestly. 

“So do you want me to be your boyfriend then?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can you stop saying that?”

“Can you stop asking me?”

“So that’s it? I’m just a pawn in your plan?”

“You’re a _rebound,_ Minhee, okay?” Eunsang shrieks suddenly. “There’s your answer!”

Everything stops after that. 

Time stops.

Minhee’s heartbeat stops.

The only thing that continues to move is the rain.

Minhee tries swallowing the large lump in his throat but the piercing pain is persistent and refuses to go down. It’s just like the night they got drunk, when Eunsang’s harsh response left a stinging impression in his mind. Only this time, Minhee doesn’t have a bottle of soju in hand to help him drown away the pain. This time, Minhee has to face the bitter reality sober and head-on.

“Don’t reduce me to that,” he whispers pleadingly. 

“Why?” interrogates Eunsang. “Does being a rebound upset you? Is it because _you_ want this to be real? What the _fuck_ do you want, Minhee?” 

He freezes up when Eunsang spits the question back at him. This whole time they’ve been pretending, Minhee had been aching to finally reveal his true feelings. But now that he’s being confronted by Eunsang himself, he feels vulnerable and stripped, and he’s unsure of how to formulate his confession. 

“I—” _I love you._

The words are bouncing on his tongue, ready to escape his lips, but he mentally slams the brakes and stops those dreaded words from exiting his mouth. He swallows the last two words back, tucking them into the back of his mind and locking them away.

_He needs to know, but not now._

_Not like this._

The rain’s symphony is slowly fading away, leaving uncomfortable silence between them. 

Minhee always loved thinking about what will happen once the rain’s song comes to its mellow conclusion, but right now, it’s the last thing he wants on his mind. He’s terrified of what will happen next. There’s still fraying threads waiting to unravel, and if Minhee doesn’t figure out how to stitch himself back together soon, he’ll be torn apart to shreds. 

“I’m sorry,” Eunsang says quietly after some time. “It’s been a long day, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” He reaches for Minhee’s hand, and as much as the latter wants to pull away, he takes hold of Eunsang’s hand anyway. 

“I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have asked,” he murmurs back. 

“I know you want an answer. I know that me saying ‘I don’t know’ sounds ingenuine. Trust me, _I know.”_ Minhee just stays quiet and Eunsang softly uses his finger to rub soft circles into his thumb. “I know that everything between us is weird and confusing and neither of us know what’s going on, _I know._ I know that once I give you an answer, everything can stop being complicated, and all the issues between us can just fade away.”

Minhee silently nods his head in response, squeezing Eunsang’s hand even tighter. 

“But I can’t answer your question right now because _I_ don’t even know how to answer it.”

Minutes ago Minhee wanted to rain to stop, but now he’s wishing for the clouds to come back and for the rain to start again. He wishes it would rain again because then the raindrops would be able to mask the tears in his eyes. 

The bus finally pulls over towards the wet curb, and Minhee knows it’s time to end the conversation. He lets go of Eunsang’s hand and uses the sleeve of his sweater to wipe away his salty tears. 

“If you don’t want to go home with me, it’s fine,” he sighs defeatedly as they prepare to get on.

“When did I ever say I didn’t want to go with you?” Eunsang says softly. 

“I just—I just don’t want to fight anymore.”

“I don’t either.”

“Well then, what _do_ you want?”

“I want to go home with you.” 

No matter how hard Minhee tries, he can’t let go of Eunsang.

“Let’s just go to my place like we planned, have fun, and forget this ever happened, promise?” 

“Minhee—”

“Forget this ever happened, Eunsang. Promise?” 

“Promise.”

—

It’s times like this when Minhee spirals. 

Sometimes he thinks Eunsang feels the same. Sometimes he thinks Eunsang is also falling for him. Sometimes he thinks Eunsang loves him back. 

Sometimes he thinks he’s finally understanding what love is.

But then things will happen, like their fight in the rain, and he spirals back into an inescapable pit of uncertainty and unpredictability. 

Throughout their fake-dating charade, Eunsang would constantly vocalize his frustration towards Junho. He’d always go on about how Junho was pretending to not notice them, or pretending he didn’t see them, or pretending he didn’t care about the new “couple.” 

It amused Minhee, mainly because Eunsang didn’t realize he was also good at pretending. Eunsang was good at pretending he loved Minhee just as much as Minhee loved him. 

There was a difference between Junho and Eunsang. Eunsang was good at pretending he cared, and Minhee foolishly fell for it every single time. Junho was good at pretending he didn’t care at all, and while Junho’s façade of apathy may have had everyone including Eunsang fooled, Minhee could see right through the thin mask. 

He still hasn’t told Eunsang the full context of his conversation with Junho. He knew Junho inside-and-out, and his expressions and tone made it blatantly obvious that he knew Minhee and Eunsang’s relationship was fabricated. Junho knew it was nothing desperation and heartbreak wrapped tightly together in a blanket of bittersweet lies. But Minhee kept this to himself. He told himself it was for Eunsang’s sake; Eunsang would be crushed if he found out their fake relationship didn’t impact Junho the way they thought it would. But Minhee knows he’s lying to not just Eunsang, but himself. 

Eunsang stayed with Minhee because he had an incentive, and that incentive was to win Junho’s heart back. Minhee is terrified that without that melancholy motivation, Eunsang wouldn’t find any other reason to stay with him, and he’d leave. That’s the real reason Minhee doesn’t tell Eunsang what he knows. 

It’s getting to a point where he’s starting to lose his grip on reality. 

_“Minhee, I know you. I know you’re smarter than this. You have to know that you’re in over your head. You know that whatever is happening between you and Eunsang isn’t real, right?”_

At the start, Minhee thought he’d be able to hold himself and his feelings together, but now he’s constantly struggling.

He struggles differentiating what’s real and what’s fake when it comes to him and Eunsang. 

That struggle has started bleeding into other parts of his life outside of Eunsang, and now his whole world is a blood-red blur. Nothing makes sense to him anymore, not even tangible things or calculatable equations. Somewhere along the way, the reasonable and intellectual side of him got lost, and he can’t find that part of himself anymore. He doesn’t think logically when he’s around Eunsang, and it’s tearing him and his mind apart. It’s like everything that he once understood with ease has been replaced with confusing, cloudy clusters of Eunsang, Eunsang, _Eunsang._ Suddenly, he doesn’t know anything, not even his sense of self.

All he knows is he’s falling too quickly and too deeply for Eunsang, and it’s only a matter of time before his heart gets broken. 

When Eunsang finally does break his heart, Minhee will have nobody to blame but himself.

Eunsang reminded him that _he_ was the one who agreed to this mess. He was the one who continued to pretend until he got too deep into the act. He was the one who let himself fall further and further down the pit until he was too far down to pull himself back to the surface. 

During these moments when he spirals, the small fragments Minhee has left of himself tell him to call off this whole charade. Sometimes, he seriously considers it. 

Then he’ll be reminded of what Eunsang told him:

_“Minhee, people will always get hurt when there’s love involved. That’s what makes it so complicated. But there’s a reason why people choose to fall in love anyway.”_

There’s something about those words that convinces Minhee to stay.

There’s something about Eunsang that makes Minhee compelled to believe him. 

There’s something about Eunsang that keeps Minhee gravitated to him regardless of the pain and confusion. 

There’s something about Eunsang that makes Minhee willing to lose himself and his grip on reality. 

There’s something about Eunsang that makes Minhee believe that at the end of the day, getting his heart broken is worth it.

—

As promised, Minhee takes Eunsang home and lets him spend the night.

As promised, they try to forget about the argument they had earlier and revert back to a thin semblance of normalcy—as normal as a fake couple can be. 

To begin the night, the two of them went to Minhee’s room. They put on a romantic-comedy show to lighten up the mood and help erase uncomfortable memories of their earlier conversation. Both of them sat on the edge of Minhee’s bed apart from each other, scared that any physical contact would reignite the tension from earlier. 

After a few episodes, Minhee begins to lose interest. The contents of the show are too familiar, and Minhee feels like he’s stuck watching The Junsang Show all over again. 

Pretending to date Eunsang taught Minhee expanded his knowledge about love, and he understands a little bit more than he previously did. 

He understands there’s a lot of ways to let someone know you love them. It doesn’t have to be outwardly extravagant. Even something like their favorite book or song can be a token of romance.

He understands people show love in different ways.

He understands these different methods of displaying affection can be complicated and confusing to comprehend. It can be hard to tell whether or not they’re just playing around, or if there’s actually something deeper. 

He understands that despite the complications of dating, people will do it anyway. Now he understands why. Now he understands it’s because it’s better than being alone all the time.

He understands that people in happy relationships seem to smile a lot. A lot of the time they’re genuine, but there’s some moments when they’re fake. Sometimes a fake smile is necessary, especially during times when you find yourself slipping down the rabbit-hole.

He understands why couples engage in PDA, something he originally perceived to be disgusting and gross.

He understands that from an outsider’s point of view, watching other people’s relationships grow is a punch to the gut. But now that he’s experienced it, it’s an exhilaratingly enchanting euphoria, and he could bask in this glittery feeling forever. 

He understands that unrequited feelings are the worst. 

He understands that getting over someone you never _technically_ dated is harder than it sounds. 

He understands that he’d never want his friends to experience the heartbreak and confusion he’s been going through. Despite this, he still refuses to let go. 

He understands that he’s willing to take a knife to the heart if it means seeing Eunsang’s face light up everyday. 

He understands that love fucking sucks.

But being with Eunsang doesn’t suck. Being with Eunsang feels like a dream, so Minhee holds the truth back so he never has to wake up from this euphoric fever. 

“Is the show alright?” he asks. The two of them had already mindlessly binged the first half of the season, but the entire plot is a blur to Minhee, and he already knows he isn’t going to actively watch the rest. 

“I don’t care,” Eunsang says blankly. 

“Do you want to put on a different show?” 

Eunsang wordlessly gives an uncertain shrug. 

“Okay fine, be that way.” Frustrated, a sulking Minhee shuts off the TV. “Anything else you want to do then?” 

“I don’t know.”

Minhee is sick and tired of those three words, and if he hears Eunsang say them again, he’s going to lose his mind and spin uncontrollably into uncontainable madness.

“You couldn’t answer me earlier, and now you won’t even answer me now?” he says aggressively. 

“I thought we promised to forget about it,” Eunsang says coldly through gritted teeth. 

“Well it’s not like you’re making it any easier,” argues Minhee.

“I can’t believe this is happening again,” Eunsang groans as he buries his face in his hands.

“We’ve never fought like this, Eunsang,” snaps Minhee. “Maybe we wouldn’t even be fighting if you just gave me an answer.”

“I’m not talking about fighting. I’m talking about being promised things over and over again only for the other end to break them.”

“What the hell are you talking about now?”

“You keep bringing up our stupid fight when we promised we wouldn’t bring it up.”

“Well you keep acting immature and being sulky!”

“Explain how I’m acting immature and sulky then!”

“You were the one who wanted to come over so badly and now you won’t even talk to me.”

“Oh c’mon, we hang out all the time without talking! We literally spend hours in the library or on the bus not saying a word to each other. Suddenly not having a conversation with you makes me immature?”

“You said you wanted to be here, so act like it.”

“I’m not required to live in some delusional la-la-land every second of my life.”

“Seriously? It’s not like you spent the past two months living that way.”

“What’s that supposed to mean!”

“I’m so _sick_ of your naiveté.”

“There you go again!” complains Eunsang. “Christ, it’s happening again and again and it _never_ stops.”

“Can you stop being vague and just _talk_ to me?” Minhee yells. 

“This whole day has just been a serious case of deja vu!” Eunsang screams as he pushes himself off the edge of the bed. He begins pacing back and forth around the room, clawing at his scalp and pulling at his hair in frustration. “Like, everything you’ve been saying and doing today just reminds me of him.”

“Junho and I aren’t the same, you know that right?” Minhee says, getting up from the bed to face Eunsang even closer. 

“Of course you guys aren’t. But I suddenly feel like I’m reliving the break-up,” he says exasperatedly. “First you called me naive, then you promised me things, and we pretended everything was alright for a moment but now we’re back to fighting!” 

“So I remind you of Junho?”

“It’s not just you. It’s _everything,_ Minhee,” Eunsang cries out hysterically. “Everything keeps reminding me of Junho and our break-up. Everything from bus-stops to coats to mystery novels, and I can’t escape it.”

Minhee knows he can’t—and shouldn’t—blame Eunsang. If he couldn’t even let go of someone he never dated, how was he supposed to expect Eunsang to let go of someone he spent the last three years loving? 

Heartbreak was painful. Heartbreak was persistent. Minhee had stubbornly put up with it for the past three years, forcing himself to stomp through the thick, black forest of anxiety and loneliness. 

But for someone like Eunsang, who had spent the last three years being showered with love, it was unknown territory. It was frightening and overwhelming, and after being lost in the woods for two months, Eunsang had cracked and lost his way.

The small fragments Minhee has left of himself tell him to cut Eunsang some slack. They’re telling him to stop acting like an uncompromising, lovestruck idiot and think logically again.

But he doesn’t listen. His sense of self is long-gone, he can’t think straight, and the only running through his mind right now is Eunsang, Eunsang, _motherfucking Eunsang._

Minhee knows it’s selfish of him, but now that he’s had the chance to be with Eunsang, he simply can’t let go of him. All Minhee wants is to be able to always hold Eunsang’s hand, take him to the library, dance with him at bus-stops, share his umbrella when it’s raining, and hug him tight whenever he’s sad. All he wants is to be the Prince Charming that Eunsang always dreamed of. All he wants to do is cherish and love him forever.

All he wants is for Eunsang to be his. 

For real. 

So even though the small fragments Minhee has left of himself keep screaming at him and _begging_ him to stop, he doesn’t.

“I don’t get it?” Minhee questions impatiently. “You know Junho doesn’t want to get back together. You know that when he broke-up with you at the cafe, he was ending things for good. You _know_ things between you two are done. So why do you keep clinging onto him and dragging me behind?”

“Okay, fine!” Eunsang screams in defeat. ‘I admit it. The whole fake-dating thing was a bad idea and it blew up in my face and I got hurt. But you stayed.”

“I stayed because you still kept chasing after Junho.”

Lying has only become easier, and at this point, it’s practically Minhee’s second nature. 

“It’s just,” Eunsang says breathily, “I know I should get over Junho but I can’t stop thinking about the past three years and I can’t stop thinking about what could have been and I can’t stop thinking about _him—”_

At that point, Minhee stops listening to Eunsang’s rambling because he can’t take it anymore. The constant arguing and mentions of Junho are causing him to start spiraling again, and he can feel himself slowly beginning to spin out of control. The lines between the harsh reality and his twisted fantasy are starting to blur again, and he’s losing his once-firm grasp of certainty in the world.

One thing he knows for certain is he needs to put a stop to all of this bickering before he spirals even closer to absolute insanity. 

But Minhee doesn’t think rationally when he’s around Eunsang, and everything he does is based on whimsical compulsion.

He’s acting on impulse again, because suddenly he’s pushing Eunsang back and pinning him down on the bed. He smiles coyly, eyeing Eunsang tantalizingly as he holds him down.

“What are you doing?” asks a flustered Eunsang.

“Tell me, Eunsang,” Minhee whispers sinisterly in his ear, “Are you still thinking of Junho now?” 

Eunsang just continues to lie still and breathe heavily, captivated by Minhee’s sudden behavior. 

“I won’t let go until I have an answer,” he taunts. 

“Kang Minhee?”

“Lee Eunsang?”

Before Minhee can process what’s happening, Eunsang is vigorously pushing him upwards and flipping him on his back. “Two can play at that game,” mocks Eunsang as he lays on top of him. Eunsang bursts into laughter when he notices Minhee’s ears turning pink, an obvious tell that the latter was flustered. His lips curl up into a mischievous smile and he teasingly raises his eyebrows at Minhee. “Your move.”

“Let go of my wrists real quick,” demands Minhee.

“Minhee, I’m not an idiot,” snorts Eunsang. 

“Eunsang, how do you expect me to make a move if I’m being held down?” whines Minhee as he tries to break free from his hold. 

“What kind of move were you planning anyway?” teases Eunsang, refusing to release his grip on Minhee.

“Remember this morning when you said I’d probably kiss you, regardless whether or not you had a cold?” questions Minhee.

“What about it?” asks a perplexed Eunsang. The question distracts him, because his grip has loosened, allowing Minhee to slip away his wrists from underneath. He wraps his now free hands around Eunsang’s neck.

“I wouldn’t say no.” 

Minhee pulls Eunsang close until there’s no more space between them and their lips are touching. 

He’s half-expecting Eunsang to pull away. He’s half-expecting Eunsang to release and get up. He’s half-expecting for Eunsang to freak out and ramble on about how he’s still not over Junho and how Minhee is confusing him again. 

But Eunsang doesn’t do any of those things. 

Instead, he kisses Minhee back, refusing to pull away as if he was his only source of oxygen. 

Maybe Eunsang knows. Maybe Eunsang knows they’re both making a mistake, but there’s something about the moment that keeps them gravitated towards each other’s lips. 

After they finally pull away, Eunsang lays back down and rests his head on Minhee’s chest so he can hear his heartbeat. Minhee wraps his fingers around Eunsang’s, lacing their hands into a tight lock. With his free hand, he traces the subtleties and curves of Eunsang’s jawline. 

“You know,” Eunsang begins as he strokes Minhee’s thumb with his own, “We’ve been friends for three years, but there’s still a lot I don’t know about you.”

Minhee’s eyebrows shoot up. “What do you mean?”

“Well for starters, I baked you mint chocolate chip cookies without realizing you hate mint chocolate.” 

“So?” 

Eunsang looks up at him. “So tell me about yourself.”

“Like what?”

“Well, if I were to bake you some more sweets, what should I bring you instead of mint chocolate?” 

“Anything with strawberries.”

“How do strawberry cupcakes sound then?” Eunsang grins eagerly at him, and Minhee falls a little bit more in love. 

“Absolutely perfect.” _Just like you._

“Another question: besides science and math, what are you good at?”

“I can knit,” Minhee answers immediately.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” laughs Eunsang.

“It’s relaxing and therapeutic,” Minhee defends.

“Gosh, you’re such a grandpa.”

“Shut up.”

“Make me,” teases Eunsang, lifting his head up to look at Minhee. 

Minhee gives Eunsang a quick, delicate peck. “There, will that shut you up?”

“Nope,” Eunsang says playfully, using the pointer finger of his free hand to lightly tap Minhee’s nose. He lays his head back down and snuggles close to Minhee’s chest. “Tell me more,” he says dreamily. 

“I used to play baseball as a kid. The reason why I have sun-kissed freckles is because I’m really bad about using sunscreen. 

Science and math are my favorite subjects because I wanted to be a botanist when I was younger. I just think plants are fascinating, and they’re the reason why we live long. Think about it! They provide us with food and fresh air and they take good care of us, so I wanted to take care of them too!

But if I weren’t going into botany, I’d want to be a singer. I know it’s a weird combination of interests, like, how the hell do you go from wanting to take care of plants to wanting to perform in front of thousands of people? The idea of it sounds incredible though. Imagine, people being moved by _your_ music and _your_ voice. Though I do admit, it is more far-fetched than going into natural sciences. But, it doesn’t matter. As long as I love what I’m doing right?”

Minhee continues rambling on-and-on, spewing random facts and tidbits about himself. As he continues, he can feel Eunsang’s heartbeat sync up with his own. 

“This is fun,” Eunsang says contentedly when Minhee finally finishes. “Tell me one more thing.”

“I still keep the Kuromi eraser you gave me freshman year,” Minhee suddenly remembers. 

A surprised Eunsang looks up again, eyes twinkling with curiosity. “Are you joking right now?”

“Nope,” Minhee replies, “I always keep it in my right pocket, kinda like a good luck charm. I still haven’t used it because I wouldn’t want to ruin it.”

“This whole time you’ve kept it?” Eunsang asks again, wanting to confirm what he just heard. 

“It’s been with me ever since you gave it to me,” Minhee explains wistfully. The corners of his lips curl up into a soft smile as he uses his free hand to fish the small eraser out of the pocket of his sweatpants and reveal it to Eunsang. 

“I thought you hated it,” murmurs a wonderstruck Eunsang when he sees the eraser. 

“Why would I hate something you picked out just for me?”

“Well, I never saw you using it.”

“Because I wanted to treasure it forever,” he explains sheepishly, shoving the eraser back into the safety of his pocket. “It’s like a little memento, and whenever I hold the eraser in my hand, it reminds me of the day you ran up to me and held me close as you gave it to me. It reminds me of you and the way you make me feel.” 

That moment, Eunsang unexpectedly kisses Minhee, and Minhee immediately kisses him back, clutching his fingers even tighter. 

This obviously wasn’t the first time the fabricated couple had kissed. However, their first kiss was a result of a late-night drinking binge that just seemed like a messy blur whenever Minhee tried replaying the events. All their other previous kisses were mostly just for show; subtle pecks for the sake of aggravating Junho. 

This kiss was anything but subtle. 

This kiss was different. 

This kiss was magical and otherworldly, just like the fairytales they always talked about. 

This kiss was like a dream that neither of them wanted to wake up from, but at the same time it wasn’t a dream. 

This kiss was _real._

They keep kissing, pulling each by the hair until the space between them has closed. 

After a few minutes, they finally force themselves to separate, and both of them are gasping. 

“You look just like my Prince Charming,” Eunsang says enchantingly, still regaining his breath. 

“Really?”

“Really. I think I could look at you forever.”

“Then don’t stop looking.”

“But if I’m always looking at you, I wouldn’t be able to do _this.”_

Eunsang leans in to kiss Minhee once again, and the latter has never felt this euphoric. 

“Any other tidbits about yourself?” Eunsang asks drowsily after they release.

“You still want to learn more?”

“Of course. We’re together, aren’t we?”

“Together?” 

“I mean, not _together_ together, but you get what I mean.”

The euphoria Minhee felt seconds ago dissipates, and he feels himself sinking into his comforters like quicksand. 

Eunsang did it again. 

Minhee fell for it again. 

Minhee is spiraling again. 

_“You’re a rebound, Minhee, okay? There’s your answer.”_

He hates being reminded that all of this is fake. He hates being reminded that all of it is just a dream, and any moment now, he’ll wake up. 

Minhee lays quietly, chewing on the corner of his bottom lip as he thinks of a response. There is one more thing he’s good at. He’s so good at it, that nobody even notices when he’s doing it. 

“I’m good at managing myself mentally,” Minhee answers hesitantly, looking down at their intertwined hands. “If I know my feelings are going to burden others, I keep to myself and deal with it on my own.”

Eunsang suddenly stops stroking Minhee’s thumb. He lifts his head up and pouts at his response. Minhee can’t quite describe his expression. Does he pity him? Is he sad for him?

“That’s kind of upsetting, you know,” Eunsang responds quietly, tightening his grip around Minhee’s hand, “I didn’t even realize you hide your emotions so easily.”

“It’s like sleeping,” Minhee explains cautiously as not to upset Eunsang again. “Remember how I learned to sleep with my eyes open in order to trick teachers into thinking I’m awake? I just do the same thing with my feelings.”

“Why?”

_If I knew you’d be happier never knowing the reality, I’d hide it from you._

“I guess I’m just not the type to let go of my emotions so easily.” 

“Give me an example,” Eunsang interrogates.

“What?”

“I want to know an instance when you’ve hid your emotions and dealt with it on your own. I want to see if I even noticed, if I even knew what you were going through.”

Minhee closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. If there’s any moment for him to finally confess to Eunsang, this is that moment. Earlier he froze up, but this time, he’s not going to turn away. This time, there’s no rainfall to drown out those three words. This is the moment where he’d finally expose his long-hidden feelings. 

This is the moment where he’d finally tell Eunsang he’s in love with him.

“Eunsang, back in freshman year—”

The sharp ring of a cell phone interrupts Minhee’s long-awaited confession. Eunsang lets go of Minhee’s hand, sits up, and reaches for his phone. 

His eyes widen when he sees the contact. 

“It’s Junho,” he whispers. 

Minhee’s not sure if he should be relieved or frustrated that Eunsang had to receive a phone-call that _very_ moment, and from Junho of all people.

_Love fucking sucks._

_But it doesn’t suck for Junho._

Reality hits, and this time, Minhee listens to those small fragments of himself. 

“Go ahead and answer it,” he sighs.

“I don’t want to be rude.”

“It’s fine. Just pick up.”

“Are you sure?”

“It’s obviously important if he’s calling you.” 

Eunsang nods slowly, pouting his lips as he presses the neon green accept button. 

“Hey,” Junho’s voice trembles. 

“Have you been crying?” asks Eunsang. 

“I just needed to talk to you,” Junho admits. “There were things I didn’t say at the bus stop earlier today that I want to say now. Do you have a moment?”

Eunsang looks up towards Minhee, eyes wide with nervousness and uneasiness. 

“C-Can you give me a second?” he asks, eyes still locked with Minhee’s. He puts the phone down and begins breathing heavily. 

“What exactly does he want to talk about?” Minhee questions anxiously. 

“I-I have no idea?” Eunsang says nervously. “It seems so sudden.”

“Yeah, no kidding,” Minhee mutters with frustration. 

“Do you mind if I keep the conversation between us? I’m just not sure what he’s gonna say.”

“Of course.”

“I’m gonna go out in the hall. I’ll be back.” Eunsang hastily gets up and leaves, closing the door behind him. 

Minhee is left alone in his room, with only his panicked, clustered thoughts to keep him company. He sits on the edge of his bed, clutching the frame tight so he doesn’t lose his grip and he doesn’t fall and he doesn’t spiral again. 

He’s tempted to get up and eavesdrop, but he doesn’t have enough strength to get up and cautiously step towards the door. There’s this invisible weight on Minhee, and he knows if he tries to stand, he’ll just collapse and hit the floor. So, he remains seated on his bed, still holding the bed frame. Junho and Eunsang’s conversation remains a nerve-wracking mystery, and the plot twist is going to hit him in the head any minute now. 

Eunsang doesn’t reenter the room for another ten minutes. When he does come back, he has a dazed expression that Minhee can’t quite decipher, and he can’t seem to stand up straight. Eunsang stays by the bedroom door, clutching the doorknob tight.

“What did he say?” he asks.

“He wants to get back together with me,” murmurs a stunned Eunsang, hastily stringing his words together. He’s still holding the doorknob to keep his balance.

Minhee tightens his grip on the bed frame. 

“But you said—”

“I thought so too,” Eunsang interrupts. “But he told me he’s been thinking it over, and he realized he misses me. Then he asked if I wanted to get back together.”

“Are you going to?”

Silence again. Eunsang continues to stay pressed by the door. He’s only a few feet away, but for Minhee, he feels so out of reach. 

“Are we done pretending?”

“Minhee,” Eunsang says hesitantly, “I think I know the answer to your question now.”


	8. Erase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being with Eunsang was perfectly dreamlike. But somehow in the middle of this mess, Minhee forgot that nightmares were also dreams. 
> 
> Eunsang told him before they got “together” that there was a reason people fell in love. But sitting here, alone in his room, Minhee can’t conjure up a single reason as to why people would subject themselves to it.

**I didn’t know love until now, what is this  
In this reality, this loneliness, I keep being anxious" — _Reality,_ Mamamoo**

“You sure you’ll be okay?”

“It’s fine. Go ahead.”

“I just feel bad because we made plans.”

“I’ll be okay.” _No I won’t._

“You sure?” 

“Yeah.” _No._

You’re not hiding your feelings again, aren’t you?” 

“I’m not.” _I’m holding back everything right now. Please don’t leave me._

“By the way, what were you going to tell me just now?”

“Oh, it was nothing.” _I love you._ “Don’t worry about it.” _I love you._

“Okay, I’ll be heading out now. Thanks for everything, Minhee.”

“Of course.”

Eunsang grabs his things and goes to see Junho, leaving Minhee alone with his thoughts.

“I love you,” he whispers. But it’s too late.

Eunsang is gone, and everything turns gray after that.

_Gray regret. Gray sadness. Gray heartbreak._

His thoughts become muddled, gray clouds of criticism, and he begins to berate himself for being dumb enough to believe all of this confusion was worth getting his heartbroken. 

_Why did I believe it was worth the pain?_

_Why did I believe him?_

He berates himself for kissing Eunsang that stupid night. He berates himself for carelessly agreeing to the plan in the first place. He berates himself for all the trips to the library and star-lit slow-dances. He berates himself for all the times he teased and flirted with Eunsang as if he was really his. He berates himself for all the times he held Eunsang tight in his arms, and all the times he lightly kissed the top of his head, and all the times reached for his hand and intertwined his fingers with his, and all the times he leaned in and pressed his lips against Eunsang’s as if his life depended on it. He berates himself for letting himself spiral and fall even harder for Eunsang.

He berates himself for thinking he finally understood love, when in reality, he’s even more fucking clueless than he thought it was.

_“The answer is no.”_

Hearing those four words come out of Eunsang’s mouth was a punch in the gut. 

Hearing those four words made Minhee realize that everything with Eunsang was temporary. Everything with Eunsang was just a silly little dream of his.

Two things shattered when Minhee heard those four words.

The first thing that shattered was his heart.

The second thing that shattered was the idyllic dream he had been living in, and suddenly he was wide awake, panting, and breathing heavily in the pitch darkness. He’s awake now, and he’s forced to face reality. 

The reality is Eunsang was never his, and he never will be. 

—

“Hey Eunsang, it’s me, Minhee. But, you would know that because you have my number saved. Um—I don’t even know why I’m calling you right now, haha. Honestly, I was kind of hoping you wouldn’t pick up because then I’d have an excuse to chicken out. But of course, you answered, so I guess I gotta go through with this. Gosh, this is so stupid.

Look, I’m so sorry to interrupt your time with Junho, but I couldn’t sleep knowing that you left without me telling you the truth, and I can’t keep lying to you or myself anymore. I just—I just wanted—

Okay, let me backtrack. 

Earlier, when you left, you asked me if I was hiding my feelings again. 

I lied.

I’m sorry.

You told me to give you an example of a time I hid my feelings, as not to burden those around me. W-Well, here’s an example. 

I-I love you, Eunsang. 

_I love you so much._

I can’t explain it—it’s just—gah, how do I explain how much I love you?

I love you just like how you love Parisian cafés and libraries.

I love you just like how you love surprising people with freshly baked cookies so you can make their day a little bit sweeter.

I love you just like how you love grabbing the person next to you whenever you laugh out loud because you just want to share your joy with others.

I love you just like how you love being affectionate with others, in hopes that one day someone will return the favor. 

I love you just like how you love re-reading your favorite books at the bus stop or library because just when you think you’ve memorized the story, another small detail comes to light and happily surprises you. 

I love you just like how you love humming along to songs when you think nobody is listening, and you just stay in your own little world while you dive deep and dissolve into the music. 

I love you just like how you love dreaming about faraway fairy tales in made-up lands, and slow-dancing under white stars and yellow street lights because it makes you believe that even when it’s raining, there’s still a happy ending waiting to unravel. 

I love you. 

And all those little details about you I just listed? Those—well, those are the reasons I love you. That’s not even all of them. I could go on and on with more reasons as to why I love you, but I should probably explain myself.

It’s been three years, and an explanation is long overdue.

Wow, three years. That’s—That’s a long time. A _really_ long time.

I’ve loved you for a really long time. 

I’ve loved you since you woke me up on the first day of literature so you could ask to borrow an eraser. 

I fell deeper in love with you during our fake-dating charade. I wanted it to be real so badly, so I kept pretending it was. 

I lied to you about another thing. I knew our plan wasn’t working from the first week. I knew Junho didn’t believe us. I knew that all of this was for nothing, because you and Junho wouldn’t end up back together like the fairytale ending you kept wishing for. But I lied about it. I lied about it because if you knew the plan wasn’t working, we would have to stop pretending to date, and I’d have to stop pretending you were really mine. 

Then you assumed that Junho didn’t want you guys getting back together. 

That made me realize, maybe it was possible for both of us to _stop_ pretending. Whenever I was with you, I just wanted to scream in your face and tell you that I loved you, because maybe, just maybe, if you knew, our relationship could be real, and I wouldn’t have to pretend anymore. 

Maybe it was possible for all of this to become a reality. We could be dating for real, and I could really make you mine. All I had to do was tell you I loved you. So, I asked if you wanted it to be real, but you wouldn’t answer, so I told you to just forget about it, and I ended up not saying those three words. Later you answered. You gave me an answer.

But your answer was no. 

Even after all of that, I still love you to the point where it’s suffocating. 

I didn’t confess earlier because you started dating Junho freshman year. You two looked so happy that I didn’t want to be the monster who took that away from you guys. That’s why I kept my feelings to myself. I was terrified that the second I let go of my feelings, you two would let go of your happiness, and, eventually, you’d let go of me. 

I-It’s really funny, Eunsang. God, if I wasn’t fucking crying my eyes out right now, I’d probably be laughing at this. 

The thing is, I was going to confess. I was going to confess three years ago, but then the night before, you got together with Junho. Fucking hilarious, am I right?

I guess it’s coming full-circle because you just got back with Junho, and now I’m finally confessing, haha. 

I—uh—I actually wrote a letter for you back then, three years ago? I was planning on giving it to you, but like I mentioned earlier, funny things kept happening to us.

Anyway, I figured I’d read it now. So here it goes:

‘Eunsang, 

I’ve never really understood what love is. It’s never made sense to me. It wasn’t something that I could observe or an equation that I could solve.

But I think I’ve finally figured it out.

I figured it out when you bought me that Kuromi eraser, and when you held my hand tight after you placed it in my palm and closed my fingers around it. 

I was told that letting my feelings out would give me some comfort, so that’s what I’m doing now.

I like you, Eunsang. 

Love, Minhee’

Fuck, that just reminded me. You know what’s even funnier? Junho was actually the one who suggested I confess to you. He said confessing would be comforting. He said it would solidify the way I felt because I wouldn’t be able to take it back anymore. 

Man, I wonder what he’d think if he heard all this.

So there it is. There’s my example of a time I hid my feelings, or, more specifically, my feelings for you. 

Eunsang, are you still there?”

The other end hangs up without saying a word.

Once again, Minhee is by himself, with only his cluttered thoughts to keep him company.

Being with Eunsang was perfectly dreamlike. But somehow, in the middle of this mess, Minhee forgot that nightmares were also dreams. 

Eunsang told him before they got “together” that there was a reason people fell in love. But sitting here, alone in his room, Minhee can’t conjure up a single reason as to why people would subject themselves to it. 

He’s just as clueless as ever, and he has no idea what to do. 

For the next hour, Minhee sits on the edge of his bed, still clutching the frame tight, and blankly staring at his bedroom door. His mind can’t seem to forget the way Eunsang stood there, breathing heavily, tightly clutching the doorknob, and contemplating the least harsh way to finally answer Minhee's question. 

_“Minhee, I think I know the answer to your question now.”_

_“Which question?”_

_“The one you asked at the bus-stop. When you asked whether or not I want this—us—to be real.”_

_“And the answer is?”_

_“It’s, um—”_

_“Eunsang, enough with the ‘I don’t know’s’ or vague answers. Please, just tell me.”_

_“The answer is no.”_

_“Oh.”_

_“Minhee, I’m sorry.”_

_“It’s fine. We weren’t actually dating anyway. It was just pretend.”_

_“Yeah, just pretend.”_

_“So does this mean—”_

_“I’m getting back together with Junho?”_

_“Are you?”_

_“Yes. I-I am.”_

_“Good for you guys.”_

_“I guess our plan worked, huh?”_

_“I guess it did. So are we done pretending?”_

_“Yeah. We’re done pretending.”_

If he stares at the door even longer, he can also picture Eunsang walking out and leaving him for Junho. 

Minhee needs a distraction, something to erase those fresh and painful memories from his mind, so he gets up and starts cleaning his room. 

He finally releases his grip from his bed frame, and his fingers are red and aching from how tightly he was holding on. Slowly, he gets up from his bed and walks towards his desk, pushed against the corner of his room. He vigorously yanks his desk drawer open, letting the compartment violently crash on the floor while its contents spill out and scatter across the carpet. Minhee kneels down to examine the mess and begins to hastily through the pile of birthday cards, Christmas greetings, and congratulatory messages he’s collected over the years. He opens every single card and quickly glances at the signature inside each one, separating out any message signed with a dainty E.S. Once all his cards have been divided, he picks up the pile containing all the ones he received from Eunsang and tosses them into the recycling bin with bitter resentment. 

He doesn’t even stop to think about what he’s doing. The only thing running through his mind is _erase Eunsang, erase Eunsang, erase Eunsang._

_Erase Eunsang before these memories eat me alive._

The memories of Eunsang tainted Minhee’s mind like messy smears of lead scribbled across a crisp, blank sheet of white paper. Minhee needed to erase his memories before harsh strokes of gray consumed the whole page. 

Next, he goes to his bulletin board. Most of the items pinned on there are unremarkable and typical: reminders, to-do lists, random quotes of inspiration. However, the right side of the corkboard proudly displays some of his favorite photographs from the past few years. There are pictures of him from his childhood as well as pictures of him and Junho depicting their growth from middle school to now. At the bottom right corner are photos of Eunsang he’s taken over the last three years. When he first took these photos, he treasured the image of Eunsang’s dimpled smile dearly, gently tacking them in place with the most delicate touch. But Minhee needs to erase Eunsang, so he aggressively rips off every single photo featuring Eunsang’s dimpled smile, letting the torn polaroids he once cherished fall to the ground. 

Afterward, he goes through all his notebooks and binders, removing all the sticky-notes, messages, and doodles Eunsang surreptitiously snuck into his schoolwork during their study sessions. He crumples them up before tossing them away. 

He shoves all the clothes that have a faint remnant of Eunsang’s scent in the washer, dumping the strongest, most fragrant detergent in the load. 

He goes through his whole room, searching every corner and crevice for unwanted memories of Eunsang and throwing them in the trash along with his feelings. 

Every time Minhee thinks he’s finally done erasing, another small memento will remind him of Eunsang, and he’ll be forced to find a way to throw it out of his life just like how Eunsang threw him away. 

Almost two hours later, an exhausted Minhee finally considers himself done. He feels relieved, as if the weight of his unrequited crush has finally been lifted off his shoulders. He can feel himself tread lightly without having to worry about tripping and spiraling again. Minhee rolls his shoulders and takes a few more deep breaths to help him relax and causally shoves his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants. 

All the memories he had just erased come flooding back instantaneously when his fingertips touch the one fragment of Eunsang he had forgotten about. 

_Erase Eunsang._

_Erase Eunsang before I break down over an eraser._

His breath shakes as he delicately grabs the soft piece of rubber from his pocket. It’s still shiny and new, looking just as pristine as it did the day Eunsang gifted it to him. 

It was funny how Eunsang said the eraser reminded him of Minhee. Here Kuromi was, still smiling happily after three years, while Minhee was broken over a cheap eraser.

He tightly wraps his fingers around the eraser one last time as tears begin to spill out of his eyes.

_I can’t keep this anymore. I have to let go of it._

_I have to let go of Eunsang._

At that point, Minhee sinks to the floor, shaking and coughing up sobs, feeling just as worthless and destroyed as the crumpled-up photos in the garbage. 

—

It’s already past noon when Minhee wakes up the next day. He’s curled up on the floor next to the garbage can, still clutching the eraser in his hand. The blurred events of yesterday flash through his mind.

Finding Eunsang. Fighting with Eunsang. Taking Eunsang home despite their fight. Fighting with Eunsang again. Pinning down Eunsang. Eunsang laying on his chest. Eunsang kissing him suddenly. Eunsang picking up his phone. Eunsang getting back together with Junho. Eunsang leaving. Eunsang hanging up after Minhee finally confessed.

Eunsang, Eunsang, Eunsang.

_Erase Eunsang._

More gray scribbles cover the once-white page, and Minhee is back to furiously rubbing them away with an eraser. 

He can’t comprehend that everything happened in one day. The memories seem just as distant as Eunsang. 

When Eunsang kissed him, everything felt so perfect that it fooled an impressionable Minhee into believing it could be permanent, and that he and Eunsang could’ve stayed like that forever. In reality, all it took was a ten-minute phone call for that seemingly perfect moment to be shattered. 

When he finally forces himself to get up from the floor, he feels woozy, and his head begins to hurt, so he ends up just burying himself under his comforters, lying still for the rest of the day.

He knows he shouldn’t, but he can’t help but wait around for a response from Eunsang. He checks his voicemail, his text messages, and all his social media, but it appears Eunsang is MIA. He’s concerned at Eunsang’s lack of response. It was so unlike him; Eunsang normally responded to his messages quickly, so the fact that he hadn’t made any effort to contact Minhee after last night’s phone call was puzzling.

It was _terrifying._

“Eunsang,” he whispers to himself, “Are you still there?” 

He spends the rest of the weekend moping in bed, still struggling to erase the nightmare of memories taunting him. 

—

Everything is still gray when Minhee wakes up for school the following Monday.

He wanders aimlessly in the halls, and all the colors just seem to blur together until they become blobs of desaturated hues. 

“Minhee!” calls out a voice from behind him. He whips his head around, and for a short moment in time, color re-enters his world when his eyes meet Eunsang’s. But it fades away immediately when Junho appears next to Eunsang and puts his hand on his shoulder. 

The memories of last Friday come flooding back, continuously replaying in his mind despite Minhee’s constant erasing.

“We didn’t really talk over the weekend,” Eunsang points out, and his statement sends Minhee spiraling back down that neverending black pit of uncertainty.

_Yes we did,_ Minhee screams internally. _I called you. I called you and told you I loved you, and I waited for you to say something, to say anything, and you didn’t, and you fucking hung up on me._

_Why did you hang up on me?_

_Why did you leave me?_

“I-I was just busy,” stammers Minhee, feeling completely and utterly betrayed. 

Junho eyes Minhee icily, scoffing at his response. Minhee can tell right away Junho is irritated with him, but he doesn’t know the exact reason why. Frankly, he’s too busy spiraling to determine said reason. 

“Eunsang, I think I’m gonna start heading to class,” says Junho, glancing at Minhee coldly. 

“You go ahead,” his boyfriend responds amicably, “Let me just finish catching up with Minhee.”

Junho presses his lips together in a tight smile before leaning in and kissing Eunsang on the cheek. He gives Minhee a glacial glare as he walks away. Afterward, Eunsang jumps onto Minhee, wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling him for a tight hug, and Minhee has to fight the urge to pull him closer and kiss him. 

“Thank you,” Eunsang whispers.

“It’s—” _It’s too late for us._ “It’s nothing.” 

“I don’t think you realize how much our plan meant to me. It was everything to me.”

_It was everything to me too._

“Anyway, Junho’s waiting,” Eunsang says as he pulls away. “I’ll see you around?”

“Yeah.” _No._

_I can’t._

_I can’t see you anymore._

_I have to let go._

_No matter how much it hurts, I have to._

—

For the next few weeks, Minhee just goes through life, passing through a sea of blurry occurrences. He’s delved even further into his academics as a way to distract him from everything going on. When he isn’t at school or doing homework, he’s either eating or sleeping. His days have become monotonous and wearisome. 

During this time, Minhee would continue to pretend. He pretends he’s gotten over it. He pretends he doesn’t love Eunsang anymore. He pretends that he understands love and all its complexities.

But then he’d get a text from Eunsang asking how he was or why they haven’t talked lately, and everything would turn gray again. At first, Minhee was slightly relieved that Eunsang was messaging him again, but none of his messages were related to the confession. It was like Eunsang was completely and deliberately ignoring his feelings, and that hurt Minhee even more. 

He was sick of being hurt. 

In the days following his and Eunsang’s “break-up,” Minhee initially put all the blame on himself. He was the one who agreed to partake in the whole endeavor, and he was the one who continued to play in Eunsang’s game.

After some time, it finally hit him that he wasn’t playing in Eunsang’s game. He was never playing to begin with.

He was being _played._

The more Minhee thought about the all-too predictable, all-too cliché, all-too heart-wrenching fake-dating scheme, the more he found himself hating Eunsang. 

Yes, Minhee agreed to the plan when he could have easily said no. Yes, he lied to Eunsang. Yes, he lied to himself. Yes, there were instances when the lines between reality and pretend blurred, and Minhee would get too impulsive and act out on a romantic whim. 

But Eunsang was the reason the lines between reality and pretend were so indefinite. Eunsang had a way of putting Minhee in a hypnotic trance and snapping his fingers right as Minhee leaned in for a kiss. It was no wonder that things had become so confusing between the two. Certainty was out of the question when it came to him and Eunsang; nothing was certain in regards to their relationship. The only thing that Minhee truly understood was he was irrevocably in love with Eunsang, and his feelings would end up consuming him and his mind before he finally crashed. He ended up being right, and he hated that he was right. 

At first, Minhee hated himself for being so easily susceptible to Eunsang’s unreal advances, but after some time, he began to hate Eunsang for making said advances in the first place. 

The memory of Eunsang kissing Minhee— _for real_ kissing him—in his room was once a picturesque, Elysian fantasy: something out of the fairytales Eunsang always raved about. 

Now, it’s a permanent splotch of black ink on Minhee’s piece of paper. Every time he tries erasing, the ink just gets all over the paper, and his hands and his desk, and Minhee finds himself frustrated and resenting Eunsang for toying with his feelings as if they were nothing. 

Eunsang hanging up that same night is another splotch of immovable ink. 

Whenever Minhee thinks about those two memories, he hates Eunsang even more. He hates how Eunsang could go from kissing him as if the world around them didn’t exist to disregarding his feelings hours later. 

His hatred for Eunsang grows with every phone call or text message he receives from him. Here Eunsang was, begging for his attention and his company, without even taking Minhee’s feelings into consideration. 

It frustrated Minhee because he felt like a rebound all over again, and he could feel himself beginning to spiral all over again, and it just made him hate Eunsang all over again. 

He was slowly finding the bits and pieces of himself that he had lost, and these parts of him would tell him to ignore Eunsang.

_Ignore Eunsang._

_Erase Eunsang._

_Erase, erase, erase._

So he did.

He hadn’t talked to Junho much over the past few weeks, either. Minhee didn’t question it. He just assumed he was busy with Eunsang.

There was one night when he was in bed, rereading his old conversations with Junho. The typing icon suddenly appeared for a few seconds, and Minhee nervously waited for Junho’s message to send, but the icon quickly disappeared and didn’t return. Minhee figured Junho didn’t feel like talking to him that night. 

The two best friends found themselves going days without talking, which eventually turned into weeks, which eventually turned into a month of not saying a single word to one another. 

Afterward, Minhee figured Junho didn’t feel like talking to him at all. 

But he didn’t mind. Since he wasn’t hanging out with Junho or Eunsang anymore, he could continue pretending.

He could continue pretending everything was alright.

__

The phone rings. Minhee declines. It’s become a habit at this point, with him automatically pressing the bright red button whenever Eunsang’s name flashes on his phone screen. Eunsang developed a habit too. His new habit is leaving longing and wistful voicemails after having his call declined. 

“Hey, it’s Eunsang.

I see you didn’t answer. Again. 

That’s okay, I guess. I mean, I should be used to it at this point, right?

Junho says you’re just busy, and I want to believe him, but isn’t this excessive? You’ve always been the studious type, but not like this. This—this is different. It’s like you’ve disappeared.

It’s like you’ve disappeared from my life completely, and I hate it. 

Are you alright?

Are _we_ alright? 

Did I do something wrong?

Please call me back when you can. 

I miss you.” 

—

“I guess you were right,” Junho says as he approaches Minhee in the hallway. “I _was_ happier never knowing the reality. No wonder you spent so much time hiding it from me.”

Minhee slams his locker shut, breathing heavily and keeping his eyes glued to the door. He hasn’t talked to Junho in a month, and hearing his voice felt so unfamiliar and strange to the point where it made him uncomfortable.

“What are you talking about?” he asks anxiously, still avoiding his best friend’s gaze. 

“I think you know,” Junho says sternly. 

Minhee takes a deep breath and faces him. “Are you upset about me pretending to date Eunsang?” _Because if you are, that makes two of us._

Junho chuckles cynically as he shakes his head at him. “I have to hand it to you, Minhee. I always knew you were smart. I always knew you were good at hiding things. But this— _this_ is a whole new level.”

“You knew it was fake all along. I know you knew,” Minhee says defensively. “So why are you suddenly mad at me about it?”

“I’m not talking about the fake-dating scheme anymore,” snorts Junho. “We’re way past that.”

“Then why are you suddenly being passive-aggressive towards me?” snaps Minhee. “You already know the truth, what else do you want?”  


Junho is taken aback by Minhee’s sudden temper. For a flash, he looks hurt, but he quickly replaces it with a more stoic and reserved expression. “I just thought you’d be more upfront with your best friend, that’s all.”

The bell rings, signaling the start of the final period of the day, and Junho and Minhee head in opposite directions without saying goodbye. 

During class, an exhausted Minhee drifts off to sleep, keeping his eyes slightly open to fool his teacher into thinking he’s awake. He goes to sleep and spends the whole class period dreaming until the sound of the bell wakes him up and brings him back to reality.

He quickly stands up from his seat and bolts out of the classroom the second he hears the shrill sound of the bell echo throughout the school. The school bell has become Minhee’s savior, as it signaled the end of yet another tedious day for him. It was a sign that he could head home, and the sooner he headed home, the sooner he could continue the same routine of homework, eating, and sleeping. 

He skips down the front staircase two steps at a time to get to the bus-stop in as little time as possible with as little interaction from his peers. 

Right as Minhee reaches the bottom of the steps, someone forcefully yanks the hood of his coat, almost pulling him back towards the cemented ground. 

“What the hell!” he cries out. An aggravated Minhee vigorously turns around, ready to tell the person off, but he freezes when his eyes meet Eunsang’s. 

“Where have you been!” demands Eunsang. “Every time I text you, you either leave me on read or give me a vague response.”

“I’ve just been busy, that’s all,” lies Minhee. He begins to turn away, but Eunsang grabs hold of his sleeve before Minhee can leave. 

“I haven't seen you in a month!” 

“Why do you care?” Minhee says a little too aggressively. _You didn’t seem to care when I told you I loved you._

“Because I’ve missed you,” Eunsang admits achingly. He clutches Minhee’s arm tight, as if he was afraid to lose him. 

Minhee’s heartbeat quickens, and suddenly, he’s spiraling and losing the parts of himself that he just barely found and falling for Eunsang all over again.

No matter how hard Minhee tries, he can’t let go of Eunsang. No matter how hard Minhee tries, he can never hate Eunsang, and it’s the thing he hates the most about himself. 

“I’ve missed you too,” he whispers back impulsively. 

“Then why haven’t we been talking?” sighs Eunsang. 

“I just needed space, that’s all.”

“Space from me?”

He goes silent, struggling to look Eunsang in the eyes. 

“Minhee, why have you _really_ been avoiding me?” 

_Because if you’re always around, I’ll never be able to stop loving you. If I don’t stop now, I’ll spend the rest of my life loving someone who will never love me back._

Minhee realizes right there that it’s not enough to just get rid of the memories of Eunsang. 

The problem with erasing is that no matter how hard you press, the lead lines will still find a way to leave their mark on the paper. The more you erase, the messier the remnants of pencil become, and suddenly your whole paper is covered with gray smudges that refuse to budge.

Even if you manage to get rid of the gray lines, they’ll still be a small indentation left behind. Sure, it might be subtle, but it’s still there, forever imprinted in the paper. 

If you erase too hard, the paper crumples or folds in on itself, leaving even more creases that can’t be ironed out. 

At a certain point, you have to stop erasing, throw away the now crumpled-up, crinkled, smeared piece of paper, and just grab a fresh, white sheet. 

Minhee realizes right then and there that he has to grab a new sheet of paper, and erase Eunsang out of his life completely. 

“Eunsang,” he sighs shakily, “Maybe it’s best if we don’t hang out anymore.”

“Minhee, you can’t be serious!” Eunsang interrogates, “What’s up with you? You’re not acting like yourself.” 

“How am I supposed to act like myself when I don’t even know myself anymore?” Minhee murmurs hopelessly. Eunsang is troubled by this melancholic response, and he squeezes Minhee’s arm even tighter.

“Is everything alright?” Eunsang asks a little more softly. Minhee remains silent, pulling his arm away from Eunsang’s grip. 

Minhee can’t pretend anymore. He can’t pretend he understands love when he doesn’t. He can’t pretend he let go of Eunsang so easily because he didn’t. He can’t pretend he’s over Eunsang because he’s not.

He can’t pretend everything’s alright because it’s not. 

All he’s done for the past three years is pretend, and he can’t take it anymore. 

“No, Eunsang,” he says bitterly, barely able to hold his tears back. “Nothing’s alright.”

“Can you just talk to me?” Eunsang pleads.

“Before I forget,” says Minhee, ignoring Eunsang’s concern, “You can have this back.” He reaches into his backpack to grab the all-too familiar Kuromi eraser Eunsang gifted him three years earlier. 

Three years ago, Eunsang excitedly grabbed Minhee’s hand and opened it up to lightly place the eraser in his palm. For years, Minhee traced his feelings back to that very day. At the time, Minhee considered that day as the beginning of a sweet love story. 

Now, he sees it as the day he began to lose his grip on reality. 

Three years later, Minhee was dismally reaching for Eunsang’s hand and opening it up to return that same eraser. He bites his lip when his fingertips meet Eunsang’s palm; he misses the feeling of their fingers laced together. The eraser sits in Eunsang’s open palm, signifying the end of their tainted, bittersweet, one-sided love story. 

Eunsang looks up to meet Minhee’s eyes and gives him a confused, almost worried expression. “Why are you giving this back?”

“It reminds me of you,” Minhee says sadly. 

“What?”

“It’s not mine to keep anymore,” he whispers, closing Eunsang’s fingers around the eraser.

Minhee kept the eraser for three years because it was the only piece of Eunsang he had to himself. As much as it pains him, he can’t hold onto it anymore. If he ever wants his sadistic game of pretend to come to an end, he has to completely erase Eunsang. 

He has to let go of Eunsang, and even though he can barely bring himself to do it, he does.


	9. La Vie en Rose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junho and Eunsang find out everything.

**"I’m turning the clock backwards, looking for you in the stacked up memories  
You used to look at me from here, I miss you even more today" — _I-Yah,_ WJSN**

Eunsang can’t stop thinking about Minhee.

When Junho brought up the question of getting back together, the first thing that ran through his mind was _Minhee._

The moments he shared with Minhee flashed in his mind like lightning, with each memory circling around his brain like electrical energy blazing through a wire. 

After all, they had just kissed— _actually_ kissed—not just once, but _twice,_ in his room. 

Not to mention, Eunsang had initiated the second kiss. He didn’t know why he suddenly felt the urge to taste Minhee’s lips, especially since he was still hung up on Junho rejecting him earlier that afternoon. But hearing Minhee confess that he had kept the eraser after three years reignited something inside of Eunsang.

It reignited memories of when they first met when Eunsang decided to turn to the sleepy boy sitting behind him to ask for an eraser.

It reignited memories of him and Minhee getting closer, with the latter constantly teasing and poking fun at Eunsang, and the missing eraser becoming their little inside joke. 

It reignited his old crush on Minhee. 

_So this is what it would be like if Minhee had liked me back freshman year._

That thought continued to spin around his mind as he contemplated whether or not to accept Junho’s proposal of getting back together. 

He had the option of turning that hypothetical “what-if” into reality if he wanted to. Besides, he and Junho were still broken-up, and if he really wanted to, he could have hung up the phone, gone back to Minhee’s room, and responded to his question with a _yes._

_Yes, I want this to be real._

But Minhee was just a rebound. 

Wasn’t he?

At the end of the day, Minhee was just a rebound for Eunsang, a distraction. Someone to distract him from the pain and heartbreak and loneliness that the break-up had brought him.

Someone to distract him from Junho, his first love. 

Now that Junho was asking him if they wanted to get back together, there was no longer a need for distractions.

There was no longer a need to stay with Minhee. 

Pretending to date Minhee was all a plan to win Junho back, and that plan had succeeded. In the end, Eunsang got what he wanted. 

Eunsang got Junho back. 

That’s why he answers Junho’s question with a yes and answers Minhee’s question with a no. 

“He’s just a rebound. That’s what you told him,” Eunsang murmurs to himself on the bus ride to Junho’s place. 

“That’s what you told yourself.”

_Then why did it pain me to say goodbye to him?_

_Why did it pain me to look at him and watch the color instantly vaporize from his eyes?_

He’s seen that expression from Minhee before. He saw it three years back when he and Junho first started dating. Junho was tugging on Minhee’s sleeve, excitedly pulling him to the stairwell to introduce them to one another. When Eunsang met Minhee’s eyes, his animated appearance immediately fell, and Minhee’s face was clouded with a new emotion. It seemed to be a disheartening mix of regret or sadness.

Or heartbreak. 

It was a rare expression—Eunsang had only seen it twice—but both instances were permanently ingrained in his mind. Initially, he disregarded the first time, as Minhee had excused his distressed expression on exhaustion. The second instance kept flashing in his mind like a yellow spark, continuously electrocuting his mind and leaving a severe sting. 

But Eunsang knew he couldn’t stay with Minhee any longer. He couldn’t let go, but he also couldn’t hold on. 

Even so, Eunsang is still thinking about Minhee when he hops off the bus and walks up the steps towards Junho’s front door. 

_He’s just a rebound, he’s just a rebound, he’s just a rebound._

His finger continues to linger over the doorbell, and he continues to debate whether or not he should even press it. 

_I’m heading back to Paris now, where I should be._

He quickly pushes the doorbell before he can think about changing his mind, knowing that once Junho opens the door and lets him in, there’s no turning back. 

_This is la vie en rose._

Eunsang forces himself to see the world in pink to forget about Minhee’s colorless eyes. 

—

“Did it work?” 

“It did,” Junho admits sheepishly. 

“So, what now?” Eunsang asks on the other end. 

“Well, these past few days, I’ve been thinking. When I broke up with you, I told you I needed to think about how I felt. Now that it’s been two months, I think I know.”

“Then how do you feel?”

“I’m still in love with you,” Junho confesses with complete sincerity. “I mean, having to wake up without your good morning texts was killer enough, and then seeing you pretend to be with Minhee just made me wish that was us. I missed you so much, I felt like I was about to explode.”

“I-I missed you, too.”

“Eunsang, I want to get back together with you.”

“What?” the other end asks, startled. 

“I want to get back together,” Junho says again. “Do you?”

Eunsang stays silent. 

_He’s going to say no, isn’t he?_

_The answer is no?_

“Eunsang? Hello?” Junho asks softly. “Do you want to get back together?”

“Yes,” the other end answers finally. “I do.”

“Really?” Junho honestly wasn’t expecting Eunsang to agree to get back together, so he asks him again just to confirm he isn’t being delusional and imagining things.

“Really. After all, if I didn’t get back together with you, this whole thing with Minhee would have been a waste, right?”

“Yeah,” laughs Junho. “I still can’t believe you and Minhee spent two months pretending to date just so you could win me back.”

“I did it, didn’t I? I won you back?”

“You did.”

“Can I see you tomorrow, then?”

“I don’t want to wait until then. It’s Friday night after all; can you come over now?”

“Now?”

“Is that a problem?”

“N-No, not at all,” stammers Eunsang. “It’s just—um—”

_He’s at Minhee’s._

“Nevermind,” Eunsang says briskly. “I’ll be there.”

“Alright, I’ll see you tonight. And Eunsang?”

“Yes, Junho?”

“I love you.”

Eunsang momentarily goes quiet again. 

“I love you, too.”

Eunsang hangs up after the short declarations of love, leaving Junho to wait around for his arrival. 

Before he called Eunsang, Junho felt cold and desolate as he sat by himself and shoved his face with cookies. But now that he and Eunsang were about to reconcile, the chill in the air seemed to disappear, and, as cliché and typical as it was, he feels warm and fuzzy all over.

He feels rosy. 

As he waits for Eunsang, Junho hums _La Vie en Rose_ to himself. He remembers the way the song crescendoed when he and Eunsang kissed during their second anniversary. He gets giddier and giddier as he realizes he’ll be able to take Eunsang back to that café now that they’re together again. 

The doorbell rings, indicating his boyfriend’s arrival.

_Boyfriend._ Just being able to say that again makes him feel radiant, like a rosebud ready to open up its petals to the world. 

When he opens the door and meets Eunsang’s eyes, he feels himself being whisked away to Paris, and the two of them are back in their sweet paradise. 

The Junho on their second anniversary couldn’t imagine not spending the rest of his life with Eunsang. The Junho on their third anniversary couldn’t help but wonder how they even lasted this long, and the idea of staying together even longer didn’t excite him.

The Junho in this present moment can’t believe he gets to call Eunsang his again, and he realizes despite the doubt and confusion he felt weeks ago, he never quite fell out of love with Eunsang. 

Before Junho can even greet him, Eunsang is leaning in and kissing him. It’s unexpectedly magical, and Junho dreams of Paris again.

“Sorry for doing that without warning,” his lover says as he pulls away. “I just needed to make sure of something.”

Junho grabs hold of the collar of Eunsang’s coat and yanks him closer. “We’re together now, so stop apologizing and kiss me again.”

Their lips reunite, and they don’t release until Eunsang insists on pulling away to take off his shoes. 

Afterward, Junho lets him in, and the two head to the living room to relax and enjoy each other’s company. 

“To be completely honest,” says Junho as he nuzzles up to Eunsang on the couch, “I wasn’t expecting you to pick up.”

Eunsang leans in to give Junho a light peck. “I’ve missed you. Of course, I was going to pick up.”

Junho feels exhilarated when his lips meet Eunsang’s. Maybe Minhee was right; the two of them just needed time apart to rekindle their once dwindling love. Being wrapped in Eunsang’s arms again made Junho’s heart flutter. It’s just like when they first met freshman year, and it’s comforting knowing that things have reverted back to the way they were. 

He and Eunsang were back to living in their rose-colored bubble and illustrating their dreamlike fantasy. 

Junho is back to chasing the dreams he once forgot about.

The two of them decide to binge-watch a bunch of new Netflix movies for the rest of the night. It’s nothing extravagant, but Junho doesn’t care. Even though they aren’t talking or doing anything, just being able to rest his head on Eunsang’s lap makes the night enchanting. 

_This is la vie en rose._

“I’m hungry, do you want me to prepare some ramen?” Eunsang asks as the second movie of the night begins. Junho nods in response, and the latter gets up. He pouts at the fact that Eunsang has to head over to the kitchen, and his boyfriend simply laughs and reassures him he’ll be back before kissing his forehead. 

While Eunsang prepares their meals, his phone rings, signaling an incoming phone call. 

“Eunsang, your phone’s ringing!” Junho calls out, picking the phone up from the coffee table. 

“Who is it from?” Eunsang shouts from the kitchen. 

“Minhee!” 

A pause. 

“Do you want me to answer it?” 

“Sure, go ahead. Just tell me what he says!” 

Doing as he’s told, Junho swipes the screen to accept the call. Before he can even say a word and clarify it’s not Eunsang, Minhee begins talking. 

“Hey Eunsang, it’s me, Minhee,” stammers the other end, “Um—I don’t even know why I’m calling you right now, haha. Honestly, I was kind of hoping you wouldn’t pick up because then I’d have an excuse to chicken out. But of course, you answered, so I guess I gotta go through with this. Gosh, this is so stupid.” Minhee lets out a forced laugh. 

Junho freezes. His gut tells him this is something Minhee doesn’t want him to hear. This is something that was supposed to be solely for Eunsang. His gut tells him to hang up, but Junho’s whole body is frozen with shock and anxiety. 

The phone remains glued to his ear. 

“Look, I’m so sorry to interrupt your time with Junho,” Minhee says apologetically, “but I couldn’t sleep knowing that you left without me telling you the truth, and I can’t keep lying to you or myself anymore. I just—I just wanted—okay, let me backtrack.” 

__Minhee rambles on a bit while a confused Junho continues to listen to his words. He’s unclear about the intention behind this phone call, that is until Minhee stutters four words._ _

“I-I love you, Eunsang,” Minhee suddenly confesses, choking on his words. _"I love you so much."_

Junho’s hands begin trembling so badly that he almost drops the phone while Minhee begins to recite the long list of reasons he’s fallen for Eunsang. 

He considers interrupting Minhee by saying something, but he holds back his words, knowing that if he reveals himself, Minhee will take everything back and hide the full truth. He’s been lying for long enough, and Junho believes it’s time he finally hears his truth. 

“It’s been three years, and an explanation is long overdue.” 

_Overdue is an understatement._

“Wow, three years. That’s—That’s a long time. A _really_ long time,” Minhee sighs wistfully. “I’ve loved you for a really long time.” 

_And you’ve lied to me for a really long time._

“I lied to you about another thing.” 

_"If I knew you’d be happier never knowing the reality, I’d hide it from you.”_

_“So, you would? You would keep things from me and lie to my face?”_

“I knew our plan wasn’t working from the first week,” the other end explains. “I knew Junho didn’t believe us. I knew that all of this was for nothing because you and Junho wouldn’t end up back together like the fairytale ending you kept wishing for. But I lied about it. I lied about it because if you knew the plan wasn’t working, we would have to stop pretending to date, and I’d have to stop pretending you were really mine.” 

_He knew that I knew._

_He knew that I knew that whatever was happening between them was all a lie._

_But Eunsang didn’t know either._

_Eunsang didn’t know, which is why he chose to stay with Minhee._

Just as Junho wanted, he hears the entire truth. He hears everything, from Minhee’s confession to his explanation as to why he withheld his feelings for so long, the seemingly insipid conversation from that sleepover all those years ago, and the unsent love letter, in which Minhee mentions the advice Junho gave him. 

“Eunsang,” Minhee asks with longing desperation, snapping Junho out of his daze, “Are you still there?” 

Junho realizes Minhee is under the impression that Eunsang was on the other end, and unable to formulate some sort of response or excuse, he abruptly ends the phone call. 

He sits still on the couch, struggling to comprehend what he just heard. He even double-checks the phone number, trying to convince himself it wasn’t Minhee on the other end, and trying to convince himself what we heard wasn’t real. But the numbers don’t lie; Minhee was on the other end. 

Minhee was in love with Eunsang this whole time. 

Minhee kept this from Junho this whole time. 

_“Man, I wonder what he’d think if he heard all this.”_

Junho doesn’t know what to think. Multiple emotions are circling around in his mind like frigid flurries during a snowstorm, and he can’t fixate on a single, coherent thought. 

A few minutes later, Eunsang comes back with two bowls of ramen. It looks appetizing, but Junho doesn’t feel like eating anymore. 

“So what’d Minhee say?” his boyfriend asks. There’s a slight nervousness in his voice, but Junho pretends he doesn’t notice it. 

“Nothing important,” he lies, using his chopsticks to mush his food around. “He just wanted to make sure you got here safe.” 

“Kinda weird that he called when he could’ve just texted me over something insignificant,” Eunsang says before slurping up his noodles. 

“I guess he just wanted to say something to you.” 

“You alright? You look kind of pale.” 

“I’m not hungry.” 

“Your appetite disappeared that quickly?” 

“I suddenly feel kind of sick, that’s all,” Junho says flatly, staring straight down at the bowl of noodles on his lap while Eunsang gently places his hand on his shoulder. 

_Don’t explode, don’t explode, don’t explode._

He can’t focus. Anxiety and doubt begin to circulate through his system, and he finds himself frozen in place, unable to scream for help. 

He closes his eyes, breathing slowly to calm himself down, but it doesn’t work. 

_It’s happening again._

_Why is it happening again?_

_I thought I was done feeling this way. I thought we moved past this three years ago._

— 

Junho was extremely insecure when he and Eunsang first got together. 

Maybe it was the fact that Eunsang was his first relationship. Maybe it was the fact that the two of them were still awkward adolescents. Maybe it was the fact that neither of them really understood what love was. 

But mostly, it was the underlying fear that Eunsang didn’t feel the same way. 

When Junho first confessed to Eunsang, the latter choked on his water and had a violent coughing fit. Junho just sat patiently at the other end of the table, waiting for his crush to compose himself and respond. 

“W-What did you just say?” Eunsang stuttered between coughs. 

I like you,” Junho repeated quietly, desperately hoping for an agreeable answer. 

Instead, he got awkward silence. 

“I-I need to think about how I feel,” stammered Eunsang. 

Junho swallowed the stinging lump in his throat and simply nodded, unsure of how to interpret his reaction. 

A few days later, Eunsang called him. 

“Look, I’ve been thinking,” Eunsang began, “I’m still not entirely sure about the way I feel about you, but I’m willing to give it a chance.” 

“I’m willing to give _us_ a chance.” 

With that, Eunsang became Junho’s first boyfriend and first love. 

Obviously, their relationship went well. But for the first few months they dated, that memory never stopped lingering in the back of Junho’s mind. 

It was constantly pulling at his insecurities. 

He lived in constant fear that Eunsang, who at the time had the upper hand, would break his fragile heart. Unlike Eunsang, Junho was infatuated from the get-go, and he knew it made him vulnerable. 

He knew the more he loved Eunsang, the more suffocating any potential heartbreak would be. 

So he began to detach himself. He still showed affection and care toward Eunsang, but he did it in less extravagant manners. Part of the reasoning was to help Eunsang ease into their relationship, but Junho’s main intention was to protect his heart. He kept things subtle between them until their relationship started feeling stagnant, and he lost the need to put on a façade and shield his insecurities. 

That was one thing he and Minhee had in common: they were good at playing to pretend and hiding their emotions. 

He’s reminded of how scarily good Minhee was at pretending to be in love with Eunsang. 

_Because he wasn’t pretending._

_The way he acted with Eunsang was real._

But the real question was whether or not Eunsang was also pretending. 

The real question was whether or not Eunsang had feelings for Minhee. 

Junho’s insecurities begin circling him again, choking him until he can’t breathe. 

As that red anxiety intensifies, la vie en rose deepens into la vie en rouge. 

— 

“I think Minhee likes me,” Eunsang says one day in between classes. 

_“Really?” _Junho says through gritted teeth, pulling his padlock open a little too aggressively, “What makes you say that?”__

____

“Well, for one thing, he was _really _good at pretending to be my boyfriend. He was just as good as a boyfriend like you.”__

______ _ _

Junho freezes as he reaches for one of his books, pressing his lips together in a tight smile. “Just best friend things, am I right?” 

______ _ _

“It’s not just that, though. Like, he asked me if I wanted our relationship to be real, and when I told him no...I can’t explain it, Junho. He just looked so—so _devastated.”_

______ _ _

“Maybe he got carried away with the whole fake-dating charade,” Junho snorts as he vigorously slams his locker shut. 

______ _ _

“I thought he'd get over it,” Eunsang continues. “After all, we only pretended to fake-date for two months. I can’t help but wonder if that’s what’s been bothering him.” 

______ _ _

“There are probably other things going on,” Junho says flatly. 

______ _ _

“Speaking of, did you talk to him today?” 

______ _ _

This isn’t the first time his significant other has asked about Minhee. Apparently, he’s distanced himself, and Eunsang can’t seem to get in contact with him. The rare messages Minhee _does_ send are vague and succinct, leaving little room for conversation. 

______ _ _

“Minhee?” 

______ _ _

“Yeah, did you talk to him today?” 

______ _ _

“No, I didn’t. He’s probably just busy, though—you know how absorbed he gets in his studies sometimes.” 

______ _ _

“I can’t help but worry about him, though,” Eunsang sighs sadly. 

______ _ _

“Well, stop worrying then!” snaps Junho, irritated with Eunsang’s continuous concern over Minhee. Eunsang gives him a confused look, and Junho takes a deep breath to keep himself from exploding. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant we should let him be and not waste so much time thinking about him. I’m sure he’s fine, and like I said, he’s probably just been studying.” 

______ _ _

In all honesty, Junho has no idea what Minhee has been up to, and frankly, he doesn’t care. He hasn’t talked to Minhee since the phone call. Minhee hasn’t made an effort to talk to him either. 

______ _ _

He concluded it was better this way. 

______ _ _

It was better for them to live in a lie and pretend none of this ever happened. 

______ _ _

It was hard for Junho to reach out to Minhee. Occasionally in the middle of the night, he’d start to miss his best friend, and he’d open up his chat with Minhee and type out a whole paragraph explaining the situation and how they should sit down and talk. 

______ _ _

Then he’d remember that Minhee kept his feelings from him for three years, lying straight to his face and constantly deceiving him. His insecurities would start to fire up again, and a lethal concoction of red anxiety and black fear would consume him from inside. Hands shaking, he’d press the backspace key until the entire message was deleted, widening the distance between him and his once-best friend. 

______ _ _

It was better this way. 

______ _ _

This way, he could continue loving Eunsang without the fear of losing him to Minhee. 

______ _ _

He didn’t care how selfish it was; he was just trying to protect his heart from being broken by not just Eunsang but also Minhee. 

______ _ _

If that meant ignoring Minhee and all the lies he told, then so be it. 

______ _ _

“So does he?” Eunsang asks, interrupting Junho’s inner thoughts. 

______ _ _

“What?” 

______ _ _

“Does Minhee like me?” Eunsang questions again. 

______ _ _

_“You used to like Minhee?”_

______ _ _

_“It was before we got together. But it only lasted like two weeks, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t like me back.”_

______ _ _

_He did. He definitely did._

______ _ _

“No,” Junho blurts out. “H-He doesn’t like you.” _He actually loves you._

_____ _

Another thing he had in common with his best friend: they loved Eunsang so much that they justified lying if it meant being able to stay with him. 

_____ _

“Huh,” his boyfriend murmurs. “I didn’t expect that.” 

_____ _

“Why, does it bother you that he doesn’t?” 

_____ _

“It’s just—I don’t know; how can you pretend to date someone for two months and not develop any sort of feelings for them?” 

_____ _

Junho’s insecurities chain him to the ground, hindering him from running away from the incoming wave of anxiety about to wash over him. 

_____ _

In contrast, Eunsang remains undisturbed. In fact, he seems unaware of what his statement implies as if the words just flew out of his mouth without a single care. 

_____ _

_Don’t explode, don’t explode, don’t explode._

_Think about la vie en rose. Think about life in pink._

_If you explode, everything will be stained with red._

“Yeah, it would be hard to suddenly let go after all of that, ” Junho says, eyeing his boyfriend suspiciously, “Wouldn’t it?” 

— 

A few days later, Junho is driving them home from school. Eunsang gazes out the passenger window, admiring the weather. It's a warm but drizzly spring day, with light raindrops sliding down the car windows. The sky is mostly silver, but even behind the wispy white clouds, there’s a ray of yellow sunlight peeking through. 

The drive home is quiet, except for Junho humming the familiar French melody of _La Vie en Rose_ and the sound of rain bouncing off slick surfaces. 

_“I love the sound of rain.”_

“Did you see Minhee today?” Eunsang asks abruptly. Junho stops humming and silently keeps his eyes focused on the road. It takes him a full minute to respond bluntly. 

“No.” 

“Oh.” 

“You sound upset.” 

“I just hate how he suddenly disappeared,” Eunsang sighs. “Like, I’ve been calling him and leaving him voicemails this past month, but he never gets back to them.” 

Junho’s insecurities are firing up again, and that blood-red anxiety is building up inside of him, preparing to explode and splatter everywhere. “Y-You—” His voice trails off, and he restarts his sentence. “You’ve been calling him?” 

“I just want to talk to him, is that so bad? Besides, it’s not like he even picks up.” 

“I promise you, Eunsang, he’d be better off if you didn’t spend every second thinking about him!” Junho lashes out. 

“What is it with you and Minhee!” Eunsang argues. “Every time I bring him up, you act passive-aggressive and snap at me for no reason!” 

Junho grips the steering wheel tight, clenching his jaw in an effort to keep all his emotions contained. “Seriously? We just got back together, and you want to fight again?” 

“So, I’m not allowed to be worried about him?” 

“Don’t you think you’re a little _too_ worried?” 

“Excuse me!?” 

“Don’t you think you’re too worried about Minhee?” Junho repeats, wrapping his fingers around the wheel even tighter. “You guys aren’t pretending to date anymore, so you can drop the act now.” 

“Look, how I feel about Minhee is none of your business,” Eunsang snaps, irritated. 

“‘How you feel?’ What the hell are you insinuating, Eunsang?” Junho asks accusingly. 

“Like I said, it’s none of your business.” 

“So you have feelings for him?” 

“I never said that.” 

__

“Then, you don’t?” 

__

“We’re just friends, alright?” 

__

“You didn’t deny it.” 

__

“There’s nothing for me to deny. There’s absolutely nothing romantic between Minhee and me.” 

__

“But there _was.”_

__

“And it was just pretend.” _But it felt so real._

__

This sudden thought shocks Eunsang, and he feels like he’s just gotten electrocuted all over again, leaving him paralyzed with uncertainty and uneasiness. 

__

_Why am I still thinking about him? Why can’t I stop thinking about him?_

____

He’s with Junho now, yet memories of Minhee keep coming up and revolving in his mind. 

____

Yellow electricity continues to infiltrate the pink-colored paradise he and Junho spent so much time crafting. 

____

The rest of the ride is silent, and neither of them says a word or even glance at each other until Junho pulls over to Eunsang’s house. 

____

“Hey, Eunsang?” 

____

“Yes, Junho?” 

____

“Nevermind. Get some rest, okay?” 

____

Eunsang exits the car and slams the door shut without saying anything back. 

____

After being dropped off, an exasperated and exhausted Eunsang immediately heads to his room and collapses on his bed. Despite his recent quarrel with Junho, he still finds himself going to Minhee’s contact, secretly wishing for a new notification from him. 

____

As usual, there’s nothing. 

____

As usual, it bothers Eunsang that there’s nothing. As usual, it confuses him as to why the lack of messages from Minhee makes him feel so empty. 

____

After all, Minhee was just a distraction. 

____

But man, he was a good one. He was a distraction that kept him on his toes, a distraction that never hesitated to treat him as if he were a real boyfriend, a distraction that would always volunteer to take him to the library and join him on his escape to fictional worlds, and a distraction that composed a fantastical romance solely for him. 

____

He was Prince Charming. 

____

Prince Charming usually ends up with the protagonist at the end of fairy tales, doesn’t he? 

____

But fairy tales aren’t real. 

____

They’re just pretend. 

____

Eunsang learned that a long time ago. 

____

That doesn’t stop him from pressing the call button under Minhee's name, and wishing that this time will be different and that this time, Minhee will pick up. 

____

“Hey, it’s Minhee! If I’m not responding, I’m either busy, pretending to be busy, or busy sleeping. Take your pick, haha. Shoot me a text or—” 

____

“Or leave a message,” Eunsang says in-unison, reciting the all-too-familiar inbox greeting. When the other end beeps, Eunsang begins talking, once again leaving a voicemail that Minhee will probably ignore or delete without listening. 

____

“Oh cool,” he begins, not even bothering to hide the disappointment in his voice, “Straight to voicemail again.” 

____

“Honestly, I don’t even know why I keep leaving you these voicemails. 

____

After all, I’m with Junho now, so I should be focusing on him, or I guess us, but, I don’t know, it’s stupid. 

____

All of this is stupid. 

____

It’s stupid how I keep missing you, which leads me to keep calling you, which leads me to getting ignored, which leads me to listening to your stupid inbox greeting to the point where I have it memorized, which leads me to leaving a long-winded voicemail just like this one. 

____

I don’t even know if you listen to these. Something tells me you don’t. 

____

But if you happen to go back and listen to at least one of these voicemails, hopefully, it’s this one. 

____

I just wanted to say, I’m sorry if I hurt you. 

____

I’m sorry for kissing you that night. I’m sorry for leaving you and going to Junho’s. I’m sorry I never let you say what you were going to say. 

____

I guess I just assumed that after I left, I’d be able to come back to you. I guess it’s my fault for making assumptions. 

____

Anyway, if you’re listening, call me back. 

____

_I love you._

____

And as always, I miss you.” 

____

— 

____

In the end, Eunsang got what he wanted. 

____

Eunsang got Minhee to talk to him. 

____

What he _didn’t_ want was for Minhee to give him _that_ look again as he returned the eraser he once treasured so dearly. 

____

He didn’t want Minhee to completely cut him off without explanation. He didn’t want Minhee to ignore his pleading calls as he walked away and left him standing by himself on the concrete steps. 

____

He didn’t want Minhee to let go of him. 

____

At least he and Junho aren’t fighting about him anymore now that he’s stopped mentioning his name. 

____

He should be happy about that, right? They had gone a week without disputing over Minhee, which was a first since they got together. Now that Minhee has said what he needed to say, Eunsang can put all his energy on his relationship with Junho, as opposed to stressing over him. 

____

That doesn’t stop him from missing Minhee even more than he already did. 

____

_“It reminds me of you, and the way you make me feel,”_ echoes Minhee’s voice as Eunsang longingly observes the eraser. 

____

“What’s that?” Junho asks curiously, eyeing the piece of rubber in Eunsang’s hand. 

____

“It’s a Kuromi-shaped eraser,” Eunsang explains with a slight melancholy in his voice. It’s been exactly a week since Minhee returned it, and he still can’t get over his teary eyes stained with gray. It’s been flashing in his mind all week, violently stabbing his brain like a lightning rod. 

____

“It’s cute! Did you buy it?” 

____

“I bought it for Minhee back when we were freshmen,” Eunsang answers, and his partner immediately tenses up and goes silent. 

____

_That’s the eraser Minhee was talking about in his phone call,_ Junho remembers. 

____

He turns his attention away from the eraser and back to the movie, playing in the background. 

____

“Minhee told me he doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore,” Eunsang mentions sadly. 

____

“Bummer.” Junho keeps his eyes glued to the screen. 

____

The lack of emotion in Junho’s response startles Eunsang. Junho could be reserved if he wanted to, but this was a whole new level. 

____

“Do you know why?” 

____

“No.” 

____

Annoyed with Junho’s vague and passive responses, Eunsang grabs the remote from the table and shuts the TV off. 

____

“He didn’t say anything to you?” he asks sternly. 

____

“Minhee didn’t say _a lot_ of things to me,” his boyfriend states indignantly. 

____

“Look, I’m just trying to see if Minhee’s okay. You don’t have to be so aggressive about it!” 

____

“Why are you suddenly so concerned with Minhee?” Junho snaps bitterly. 

____

“What’s up with you?” Eunsang fights back defensively, “He’s my _friend,_ Junho. I’m allowed to be upset and sad about him ignoring and cutting me off.” 

____

“You _do_ know he doesn’t consider you as a friend, right?” Junho raises his voice at Eunsang. 

____

“What are you saying, Junho? He’s my friend just as much as he’s yours!” By now, Eunsang is irritated. He wants to back down, but for Junho to insinuate that he and Minhee weren’t friends aggravated him to a new, uncontrollable, unexplainable level. 

____

“Right, because my best friend would keep a huge secret from me for three years,” Junho answers cynically. 

____

“Why are we even fighting right now?” Eunsang asks, seething. 

____

“You’re the one who brought up Minhee.” 

____

“Are we supposed to have a problem with him?” 

____

Junho goes silent, puffing his cheeks out in frustration as he slumps back on the couch cushions. 

____

“You’re hiding something, aren’t you?” 

____

“If you want to know so badly, ask Minhee yourself.” 

____

“As if he’ll even talk to me!” 

____

“Figures. That’s so typical of him.” 

____

“Even if he _did_ talk to me, what would I even ask him!” 

____

“Ask him how he feels about you.” 

____

“Junho, for the last time, we just see each other as friends.” 

____

“That’s funny.” 

____

“You said so yourself; you knew our relationship was fake.” 

____

“Well, does Minhee know that?” 

____

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

____

“He’s fucking in love with you, Eunsang!” he blurts out. 

____

As soon as Junho explodes, their pink paradise shifts into a dark, brooding crimson. 

____

“What?” Eunsang, completely and utterly stunned, gets up from the couch. He stands still, struggling to comprehend what Junho just said. 

____

_Minhee’s in love with me?_ Eunsang thinks to himself. _He was in love with me this whole time?_

____

“He called you the night we got back together while you were in the kitchen preparing ramen,” his boyfriend explains, unable to look him in the eye. “He confessed. He told me everything. He told me everything I wasn’t supposed to hear. He told me he’s loved you since freshman year. He told me all the reasons he loves you. He even wrote you a letter.” 

____

_So he liked me back? He liked me back freshman year and didn’t say anything?_

____

Minhee’s voice rings in his mind again: _“I’m good at managing myself mentally.”_

____

Eunsang feels multiple emotions at once, but anger quickly becomes the dominating one. 

____

He doesn’t know if he should be furious with Junho for hiding things, Minhee for deceiving him, or the universe for making things so fucking complicated between the three of them. 

____

At the moment, he decides to take it all on Junho. 

____

“So, you’ve been keeping this from me for a month!” Eunsang shrieks. “Then why would you tell me he didn’t like me? Why would you blatantly lie to my face?” 

____

“I already lost you once, Eunsang,” Junho answers with clear desperation. “And I was scared you’d feel the same way about Minhee.” 

____

“Junho, I _don’t.”_

____

Deep down, Eunsang knows his response isn’t completely transparent. 

____

“How was I supposed to know that!” retorts Junho bitterly, getting up from the couch. “You don’t think I saw you two? Always holding hands, kissing each other, never letting go as if both of you were in some fucked-up, symbiotic relationship!” 

____

“You’re the one that acted like you never cared about me after the break-up!” accuses Eunsang. “You completely ignored me and acted indifferently. You went about your day, pretending I didn’t exist!” 

____

“What did you expect me to do? Break down into tears? Pick fights with you and Minhee in the hallway?” 

____

“All I wanted was some reassurance that you still cared about me!” 

____

“What makes you think I didn’t care? I wouldn’t have called you if I didn’t?” 

____

“You also wouldn’t have broken up with me to begin with!” Eunsang spits back viciously. 

__

To Junho, those words were a hard slap in the face. 

__

“That doesn’t mean it didn’t _kill_ me, Eunsang!” Junho argues back. “Don’t you think it also upset me, having to let go of someone I spent three years of my life loving? Eunsang, I was _destroyed_ when we broke up. But no, _I’m_ the villain in this story, even though you’re the one who betrayed me by setting up a fabricated relationship with Minhee.” 

__

“So suddenly, you’re a victim in this situation?” 

__

“God, that whole fake-dating scheme was _fucked-up _Eunsang, and you know it!” Junho screams harshly. “Dating my best friend to make me jealous? It was downright manipulating! You made me feel so lost and confused. Yet, you kept doing it. And all for what? Spite?”__

_____ _

Eunsang collapses back down on the couch, too exhausted to come up with a response. He feels numb and cold. This is only the second time he’s felt like this while being with Junho. The first time was when he dumped him. 

_____ _

“Just because I knew it was fake doesn’t mean it didn’t feel real,” Junho says quietly as he sits beside Eunsang. “It felt so _real,_ Eunsang. That’s why I didn’t tell you what Minhee said. I was scared if I told you, your fake-dating scheme with Minhee wouldn’t be fake anymore. It would become a new reality.” 

_____ _

Eunsang doesn’t respond again. He doesn’t even look at Junho. He just stares at the wall, replaying memories. 

_____ _

“Do you remember when I first confessed, Eunsang?” Junho asks in a barely-there whisper. 

_____ _

Eunsang’s mind goes back to that day. He remembers asking Junho how to know if someone liked him, then out of the blue, Junho confessed. 

_____ _

“I told you I needed time to think about how I felt,” Eunsang murmurs wistfully. 

_____ _

“Yeah, you did,” Junho responds meekly. 

_____ _

“Then you said the same thing to me when we broke up,” Eunsang says with bitter resentment. 

_____ _

“You don’t have to remind me, okay?” 

_____ _

The two sit in silence. 

_____ _

“You know, I think our break-up gave both of us time to think over how we feel,” Junho says finally. 

_____ _

“What do you mean?” 

_____ _

“Eunsang, when I broke up with you, I thought I was falling out of love,” he admits sadly. “But being apart from you, being forced to watch you with someone else, it made me realize that I wasn’t falling out of love. I never fell out, to begin with. I only fell in. I only fell deeper in love with you.” 

_____ _

Eunsang stays mute, which breaks Junho’s heart just a little bit more. 

_____ _

“So, I’m asking you now, Eunsang,” Junho says wearily, not wanting to sit in unmanageable silence. “How do you feel? It hasn’t changed, has it?” 

_____ _

“You realize his confession changes _everything,_ right?” 

____

What’s that supposed to mean?” 

____

Eunsang doesn’t answer. His mind continues to flip through his memories, almost as if he’s holding a remote and surfing through different channels. 

____

Silence envelopes them again, leaving an unnerving tension. 

____

Junho sighs frustratedly. “Okay, let’s try this again,” he says quietly, not wanting to give up on Eunsang just yet. “Do you have feelings for me?” 

____

“Of course I do.” 

____

“Do you also have feelings for Minhee?” 

____

Junho’s question reignites those same memories Eunsang has been trying to repress, and moments spent with Minhee are flickering through his mind like a lightbulb turning on and off. 

____

Kissing Minhee, hugging Minhee, holding Minhee, and then his mind displays a single image. 

____

The image of a yellow streetlight illuminating the dark sidewalk. 

____

The same yellow streetlight he and Minhee danced under after they went to the library together for the first time. 

____

All the world’s hues turn yellow, with no patch of pink left for Eunsang to hold onto. 

____

He looks up and makes eye contact with Junho. His eyes look sad as if he’s mentally preparing to hear a truth he doesn’t want to believe. 

____

“Eunsang?” Junho whispers, barely able to speak because of the lump in his throat. 

____

Eunsang turns away from him before silently getting up from the couch and grabbing his stuff. 

____

________“You liked him before, didn’t you? You liked him before we got together? Is it possible you never stopped liking him?” Junho asks blankly, watching Eunsang pack his things._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

_____ _

____

________“I’m going home.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

_____ _

____

________“Just answer the question.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

_____ _

____

________“It’s getting late,” he says bluntly as he makes his way to the front door._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

_____ _

____

________“Eunsang, why can’t you just—”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

_____ _

____

________“Because I don’t know, Junho! So stop asking me!” snaps Eunsang._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

_____ _

____

________The two of them go quiet again. Eunsang sighs as he grips the doorknob tightly. “I really don’t know.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

_____ _

____

________“Eunsang, I need a yes or no.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

_____ _

____

________“I’m leaving, Junho.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

_____ _

____

________“If you walk out that door without giving me a proper answer, we’re over,” Junho states dryly._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

_____ _

____

________“Fine, then I guess we’re over,” Eunsang responds emotionlessly, slowly turning the doorknob. “The first time we broke up was because you needed to reflect on your feelings. Now I need to do the same.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

_____ _

____

________“You love him back, don’t you?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

_____ _

____

________Eunsang remains silent, avoiding Junho’s gaze. He continues avoiding him until the door slams behind him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

_____ _

____

________In some weird, twisted paradox, watching Eunsang walkout gave Junho all the answers he needed._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

_____ _

____

________The room gets colder and colder as la vie en rose disintegrates, and the final fragments of pink begin fleeting away from his fingertips._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____

_____ _

____


	10. Eight Rings, One Beep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Do you want this to be real?”_
> 
> _“Do you have feelings for Minhee?”_
> 
> _“Did your answer change?”_
> 
> It’s been three weeks since he left Junho, and Eunsang still can’t quite decipher the answer to those questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some back and forth between past and present tense so just be aware of tense changes!

**"The rain is pouring and it takes me back to that time  
On that street where I kissed you" — _Love Me Now,_ NCT127**

_[three years ago]_

“Psst, Eunsang,” Junho whispered. “What’s the answer to number three?”

“Figure it out yourself,” Eunsang whispered back.

“Now why would I do that when I can just copy off of you?”

“Because I’m not your life-line, and just because I’m nice to you doesn’t mean you can steal my answers.”

“I’m not _stealing_ your answers; I’m politely asking.”

“And I’m politely declining.”

“Lee Eunsang, stop talking,” the teacher scolded. A panicked and flustered Eunsang hastily apologized and went quiet. Once their teacher had inverted her attention elsewhere, he immediately gave an amused Junho the death glare.

The two tried to be diligent students and get back to work, but a smug Junho was too busy stifling his laughter, and an annoyed Eunsang was too busy secretly kicking his shin. 

A couple minutes later and the bell rang, and Eunsang began to pack his things.

“What are you doing after school today?” Junho asked.

“Nothing planned,” answered Eunsang. “Probably just homework.”

“There’s this new Parisian café in town,” Junho explained. “My best friend and I were supposed to check it out today, but he had to cancel at the last minute. It’s a shame because I was _really_ craving some macarons.”

“Are you asking me to tag along with you?”

“Are you usually this oblivious?” teased Junho. 

“What’s _that_ supposed to mean!” whined Eunsang.

“Are you coming or not?”

“Fine, but _only_ because I’m also craving macarons, and _not_ because I want to hang out with you.”

The two of them headed to the bus stop together and eventually got to the café. 

Right away, they were surrounded by the sugary scent of desserts and coffee. It had only been a few seconds since they had arrived, but the sight and smell of the freshly baked macarons were already making Eunsang drool. 

“I heard their hot chocolate is to die for,” Junho said while the two waited in line to order.

“Hot chocolate and macarons sound amazing right now,” said Eunsang, keeping his eyes glued on the rainbow array of sweets behind the glass display.

Once the two placed their hefty order of cakes, cupcakes, macarons, pastries, _and_ hot chocolate topped with whipped cream and cinnamon, they got situated at a comfy table by the window.

It was mostly quiet between the two of them with the occasional small talk, mainly because it was their first time hanging out outside of math class. 

At least the atmosphere of the café was nice. The place was nicely decorated, and despite being located in Seoul, the two of them felt like they were dining in France. Something about the place was alluring as if it was inviting Eunsang and Junho to come back and stay there forever.

A few minutes later, and their order arrived, and things began to feel more comfortable.

“Did we really order this much!” asked a shocked Eunsang as the waitress piled up more and more plates of decorated desserts. 

“Well, we have to try the entire menu!” Junho insisted. “Besides, we can always take the leftovers home.”

Eunsang nodded before grabbing one of the white macarons. The vanilla cream instantly dissolved on his tongue, and the shells were baked at the perfect texture.

“How is it?” asked Junho.

“Amazing,” Eunsang said with his mouth full.

“Here, try their red velvet cupcakes.” Junho broke a chunk and handed it to Eunsang. He quickly popped it in his mouth, letting the rich flavor melt in his mouth. As he swallowed the cupcake, he couldn’t help but notice Junho laughing at him.

“What?” pouted Eunsang.

“Nothing,” giggled Junho. “You just got some frosting on your face.”

“What where?”

“Right here!” Junho used his pointer finger to scoop a dollop of cream cheese frosting off his cupcake and spread it all over Eunsang’s cheek.

“Argh, not funny!” whined Eunsang.

“It’s cute!” laughed Junho as he handed him a napkin.

“I’ll get you back next time!”

“Next time?”

“You were planning on coming back here, weren’t you?”

“I was. I just didn’t anticipate you wanting to come back with _me.”_

“We’re friends, aren’t we?” said Eunsang. “And if we’re going to be friends, we’re going to need a place to call our own.”

“Then, let’s make this place our own.”

“Here’s to our first memory here,” Eunsang toasted, raising his glass of hot chocolate.

“And here’s to many more.”

The two of them took sips from their mugs only to immediately spit the scalding drink back in the container.

“Holy shit, that’s _hot,”_ said Junho.

“Lesson learned,” Eunsang said. “Next time, we won’t underestimate the temperature.”

“Next time and all the times after.”

—

_[present day]_

“Hey, it’s Minhee! If I’m not responding, I’m either busy, pretending to be busy, or busy sleeping. Take your pick, haha. Shoot me a text or leave a message!”

Eunsang hangs up. He attempts to call Minhee a fourth time.

Eight rings, one beep.

“Hey, it’s Minhee! If I’m not respond—”

He calls again. Fifth time.

Eight rings, one beep. 

“Hey, it’s Min—”

Eunsang calls one last time, and this time Minhee picks up.

“What do you want, Eunsang?” Minhee asks irritatedly.

“What do _you_ want?” Eunsang blurts out in a harsh whisper.

“I can’t hear you.”

“What do _you_ want?” Eunsang repeats, raising his voice.

“I asked you first.”

“Fine. I want you to tell me what you want.”

Minhee hangs up.

Seventh time.

Eight rings, one beep.

“Hey—”

Eighth time.

The third ring he picks up.

“It’s me,” Eunsang says flatly. 

“I know it’s you, Eunsang,” Minhee responds condescendingly, “There’s this thing known as caller-ID.” 

“I meant, it’s me you want,” he answers more forcefully. “You want me, don’t you? You’ve wanted me this whole time, and when you couldn’t have me, you shut down. That’s why you spent the past month ignoring me and pushing me away.” 

“So _now_ you want to talk about this? A month after everything unraveled?”

“Your answer is yes, then? You admit you’ve wanted me for years?” 

“Well, no shit. I thought last month’s phone call made that _very_ clear. Look, you had your chance to talk to me back then, but you _didn’t,_ okay?”

“What are you talking about? You haven’t given me _any_ chances to talk to you.”

 _“Why_ are you even calling? What part of ‘we shouldn’t hang out anymore’ do you not understand?”

“You don’t want to hang out because you’re in love with me.”

“Not anymore.”

“Minhee, haven’t you lied to me enough?” 

Silence. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were in love with me?”

“I did.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Eunsang—”

“You didn’t ‘tell’ me anything, Minhee. You hid this for years and didn’t reveal the truth until it was convenient for you.”

The other end doesn’t say anything.

“You _used_ me, Minhee. 

You took advantage of my heartbreak and agreed to the whole fake-dating scheme so you could manipulate me into falling for you. You _knew_ how devastated and vulnerable I was after Junho, and you still tried messing with my feelings and chasing after me. 

You put up this fake façade and pretended to be the perfect boyfriend. Who knew deep down you were lying to me? You kept telling me you didn’t have feelings for me. You even said the only reason you kissed me that one weekend was because we were drunk! During our fights, you didn’t say anything! 

You kept everything to yourself so you could keep me to yourself. 

Then, I get back together with Junho, and you decide it’s the perfect time to confess? Everything was finally back to normal, but you were so selfish that you’d take that away from me and make things complicated and confusing? And as a final stab, you left me blind to the whole situation? You spent a month ignoring me only to completely cut me off in the end, and for what!

Why would you do that, huh? Is it because all of this was a game to you, and I was supposed to be your little prize?” 

“It was your idea,” Minhee says bluntly.

“You agreed.”

Silence again.

“You’re fucking dead to me, Kang Minhee.” 

He hangs up.

This time Minhee tries calling him. 

Eight rings, one beep.

Straight to voicemail.

—

Eunsang didn’t mean to forget Minhee’s eraser, but he was kind of glad he did.

It gave him a reason to talk to him. 

Everyday Minhee would walk into literature, smiling at Eunsang and lightly punching him in the arm as he headed to his seat behind him. 

“I would ask where my eraser is,” he said one day as he slid into his seat, “But I think we both know the answer.”

“What would you say if I had it today?”

“Do you actually?” Minhee raised his eyebrows at him, anticipating the return of his long-gone eraser. 

“Are you going to be mad if I tell you the truth?”

“You forgot it again, didn’t you?”

“I didn’t _forget.”_

“Of course, my mistake!” teased Minhee. “You sold it to the mafia in exchange for your father’s life. How noble of you.”

“Hey, it was non-negotiable!” said Eunsang, pretending to be distraught. “I tried bargaining but, alas, they were dead set on your eraser. There was nothing else I could do about it.”

“Well, I’m glad my eraser went towards a good cause.”

Their playful banter was interrupted by their teacher going over the assignment for that day. 

“Poetry,” began their teacher. “The purpose of poetry is to utilize language, imagery, and rhythm to evoke a strong, emotive response from the reader. Poems are supposed to awaken feelings that we might spend our days repressing or holding back. More often than not, poetry is written to make us feel the most complex and difficult emotion of all: love.”

Minhee immediately cursed under his breath, which caused Eunsang to silently swing his foot at his shin while he held back his laughter. 

“To begin our poetry unit, I want us to analyze some of the language used in these famous love poems,” the teacher explained as she passed around packets. “Look for what literary devices, structures and formats, or rhythmic patterns used to convey the feeling of love. You can either work by yourself or with a partner. I’ll give you the rest of the class to finish.”

“Want to work together?” Eunsang asked as he turned to face Minhee. The latter nodded in agreement, quickly rearranging his things to make room for Eunsang’s work. They began highlighting and annotating the thick packet of poems, much to Minhee’s annoyance. 

“Gosh, the number of clichés and overly flowery language in these poems,” complained Minhee, scrunching up his nose as he flipped through the pages. “This is why I hate romance.”

“What’s wrong with romance?”

“Isn’t it overrated?”

“I like the idea of it.”

“Really?”

“You sound confused.”

“Because I am,” said Minhee. “Like, the idea of love, in general, confuses me. I don’t know, it just doesn’t make any sense to me.”

“That’s what makes it all the more intriguing,” Eunsang pointed out. “You never really know what love is like until you experience it.”

“I guess so. But wouldn’t it just be a whole lot easier if you could just solve your way through love instead of having to put up with it and figure it out yourself?”

Minhee was a curious character, Eunsang would come to learn. Each time they talked, he was itching to know more about him. 

But he needed an excuse to get closer to him. 

“Do you need a math tutor?” he asked a few days later. He was secretly hoping Minhee would be terrible at math, giving him a plausible reason to meet up with him.

“What?” Minhee looked up from his work, confused.

“Do you need a math tutor?”

“Why would I need a math tutor if I have an A in math?”

 _Of course_ Minhee would have an A in math. _Of course_ he was a genius. _Of course_ he was perfect at everything. Knowing that small tidbit made Eunsang’s heart flutter, but it completely ruined his plan to get to know Minhee better.

“Ah, nevermind then,” Eunsang said, trying to play off his question casually.

“Why are you asking?”

“I just want to make money, and tutoring seemed like a good start, that’s all,” Eunsang lied.

“So, are you some sort of math genius?” 

“You could say that. I usually score high on tests and can solve problems in my head.”

“Hey, me too! I guess that’s one thing we have in common.”

“So now that we’ve found another thing in common, can we stop talking about your stupid eraser?” 

“Never,” taunted Minhee, giving Eunsang a mischievous smile. 

As annoying as Minhee’s teasing was, Eunsang couldn’t help but be charmed by him. Each word that Minhee said to him was like a spectacular spell, cursing him with inexplicable feelings that could only be described with one word.

A crush.

Eunsang had a crush on Minhee. 

It was nothing too serious. But it was enough to make Eunsang lay in bed, stare at the ceiling for hours, and think about _him._

It was enough that sometimes Minhee would appear in his dreams. Whenever he woke up, he’d be dazed and confused, then slightly disappointed when he realized it was all just a dream, and none of it actually happened. 

One weekend, Eunsang was staring at the ceiling again, replaying every single interaction he ever had with Minhee, and trying to see if there was a hidden intention behind each sentence or action. 

His sister barged into his room, interrupting his flashbacks. “I’m going to the shops today to buy some stuff. Are you tagging along?”

Eunsang felt that going out and keeping himself busy would be better than staying in bed mulling over Minhee, so he agreed to accompany his sister.

“Aren’t these cute!” his sister asked while they were at a stationery shop. “These eraser designs are adorable!”

“It’s just an eraser,” snorted Eunsang.

“Hey, let me live! They’re cute, alright? C’mon and help me pick out a design.”

Eunsang rolled his eyes at his sister but began rummaging through the basket of brightly colored erasers anyway.

He had to admit, his sister was right about the erasers. There were lots of eye-catching designs, such as fruits or iconic characters.

One particular eraser caught his eye, and even though he had gone out to force himself to stop thinking about his crush, Minhee was on his mind again.

Despite the simplicity of the eraser’s design, Eunsang was reminded of Minhee. Maybe it was Kuromi’s adorable, beaming expression. Sure, it was just a cartoon character, but the uncanny resemblance to Minhee compelled Eunsang to buy it just for him.

“Minhee, Minhee, Minhee, Minhee, Minhee!” Eunsang called out the next day as he ran towards him. “I have something for you!”

“My eraser?” Minhee asked.

“Well, sort of.” He opened his backpack’s front pocket, rummaging through his things until he found the present. When he found it, he held it up, displaying the cutely decorated eraser to him. “It’s an eraser shaped like Kuromi, the My Melody character! I was out with my sister, and I saw this at one of the shops. It instantly reminded me of you, so I got it for you. It’s like a mini Minhee!”

He reached for Minhee’s hand, closing his fingers around the soft eraser resting in his palm. Minhee’s hand seems to fit perfectly with his, and his heart can’t help but skip a beat at the small revelation.

“Do you like it?” he asked, leaning in closer.

Minhee didn’t answer. He just stared straight ahead and gave Eunsang a perplexed look. 

Eunsang was about to repeat his question, but the bell rang, signaling the start of their next class. The walk to literature class was a wordless one, which made Eunsang feel slightly regretful about the whole eraser ordeal. Surely, it wasn’t _too _much? After all, they were acquainted, and the original missing eraser had become a token of their friendship.__

____

But for the entirety of class, Minhee didn’t say a single word to Eunsang. 

____

Halfway through lecture, Eunsang pretended to glance at the clock hanging on the back wall in order to get a quick look at Minhee. He noticed that Minhee wasn’t even using the eraser. Minhee made a quick mistake, but rather than reaching for the new eraser, he simply scratched out the answer with his pencil. Kuromi continued to sit still on the corner of his desk, completely ignored and forgotten. 

____

_He doesn’t like it,_ Eunsang thought disappointedly as he turned back around. 

____

_He doesn’t like me._

____

—

____

Eight rings, one beep. Eunsang lets the call go to voicemail. The person calling leaves a message.

____

“I know you said I’m dead to you.

____

I know that. Frankly, I kind of deserve it. I guess in a way, I did use you. I used your heartbreak as a way to get closer to you. I used it as an excuse to keep chasing you. I understand why you’d let me go.

____

It’s probably too late, but I really am sorry. You’re right, what I did was selfish, and I shouldn’t have hidden my feelings from you for so long. I shouldn’t have hidden what Junho said from you. I shouldn’t have lied to your face and made things between us even more complicated. I shouldn’t have agreed. I shouldn’t have used you as some twisted escape mechanism. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

____

I understand something new about love.

____

When I asked you why we were still pretending to date, you told me, ‘I can’t let go, but I also can’t hold on.’ At the time, I didn’t get it, but now I do.

____

I love you, Eunsang. I really do. Letting go of you broke me. 

____

That’s why I cut you off. 

____

I was just so broken and upset and angry at not just you, but also myself. I felt the only way I could be okay again was if I forced myself to hate you. 

____

But I could never bring myself to hate you. I love you too much. I love you too much to ever let go. 

____

But holding onto you would break me as well. 

____

Either way, I would end up broken into pieces. The question was whether I’d rather be broken and alone, or broken but still able to call you my own. 

____

During our fake relationship, I chose the latter, so I held onto you no matter how much it hurt, and no matter how much I found myself going insane. 

____

I think the problem is, I gave too much of myself to you, so when you left, you took parts of me with you. 

____

I think the problem is I love you so much, so much that I can’t breathe when I’m apart from you, but I also feel suffocated and crowded when I’m with you. 

____

I think that’s why the idea of love terrifies me. 

____

When I first met you, I thought love was a feeling. It was a feeling that terrified me because I couldn’t understand it or solve it out like some chemistry problem. 

____

Now I realize it’s a choice.

____

I made a choice to agree to your plan. I made a choice to hold on instead of letting go. I made a choice to fall deeper and deeper in love with you until I found myself spiraling and constantly acting on impulse. 

____

And I’m sorry that my choice hurt you.

____

I’ve decided to make another choice. This time, I’m choosing to let go. 

____

I’m choosing to let you go because that’s the only way I’ll be able to hold on to the pieces of myself I keep losing. I need to learn to be myself again. I need to learn to stop pretending. I need to learn to stop lying to not just you or Junho or anyone else, but also myself. 

____

I need to learn what love even is before I fall in love again. 

____

This way, when I do fall in love again, I won’t hurt them the same way I hurt you. 

____

But before I finally do let go, I need to ask you something. It’s been bothering me, and I need an answer.

____

You said I was a rebound, and looking back at the whole situation, I was. The only difference was you didn’t want to put a label on our relationship because you didn’t want the relationship to be real in the first place.

____

I understand that. You were with Junho for three years; there’s no way you could have jumped into another relationship so quickly. So, that’s why you had us pretend instead.

____

I already admitted I wasn’t pretending. I wanted it to be real. When I first asked you, you said you didn’t know.

____

But everything you did seemed to lead up to a yes. 

____

I mean, you went home with me. You kissed me in my room that night. You said this whole endeavor was to make Junho jealous, but he wasn’t there. It was just the two of us, yet you kissed me anyway.

____

Then you responded with no.

____

But now, you and Junho are broken-up, again. He’s insisting that it’s because you have feelings for me, but no matter how much he insists that you love me back, I can’t help but remember when you told me _‘The answer is no.’_

____

So here’s my question for you:

____

Did your answer change?

____

Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if your answer is ‘I don’t know.’ But, I need a yes-or-no answer. Otherwise, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to truly and completely let go of you, and I’ll be cursed with this lingering hope that maybe you could love me back. 

____

Because if your answer is still no, then why did you leave me all those voicemails?

____

I listened to all of them, by the way, contrary to what you thought.

____

And the one where you told me you loved me?

____

I can’t stop replaying it. I _hate_ that I keep playing it over and over just to hear you say those three words. 

____

So tell me, Eunsang. Is the answer still no?

____

Was I really _just_ a rebound, Eunsang? Is that really how you feel?

____

Or are you just too scared to face reality?”

____

—

____

“Junho, how do you know if someone likes you?” Eunsang asked. It was the day after Eunsang had given Minhee the eraser. He had spent the night wide-awake and rattling his brain, trying to make some sense out of Minhee’s reaction. 

____

Junho immediately turned bright red. “Why are you asking?”

____

“I think somebody I know likes me,” Eunsang explained, and Junho cleared his throat before answering.

____

“Well, I think the first way to determine if someone likes you is how much attention they give you.”

____

“What kind of attention?”

____

“That depends, I guess? Like, some people will be more subtle about it and interact casually with crush while others will tease them. Personally, I’m the type to tease them or make them laugh.”

____

_Well, he talks to me?_ Eunsang thought to himself. _I guess that’s a good sign._

____

“What else?”

____

“Hmm, I’d say if they’re always trying to catch a glimpse of you. Like, do you notice their eyes always draw towards you when they walk by? Do you catch them not-so-subtly glancing towards your direction?”

____

“I guess? I don’t know, I can’t really recall.”

____

“Well, how do they react when you talk to them?”

____

“I don’t know; it’s mixed. Like, some days they’re really outgoing and joke around with me, and other days they’re completely mute and shut me out. Why do you think I asked you in the first place?”

____

“It’s possible that someone might still like you even if they aren’t always actively approaching you. Who knows, maybe they’re just as nervous as you are.”

____

“Hopefully,” Eunsang sighed. “Any other signs?”

____

“I guess the biggest tell would be them making an effort or coming up with excuses to spend time with you. I think if someone is willing to spend a fraction of their limited 24 hours with you, it’s definitely a sign that they’re chasing after you.”

____

Eunsang’s heart sank at Junho’s statement as he realized he and Minhee had never hung out outside of literature class.

____

“Huh,” Eunsang murmured. 

____

“For example,” continued Junho, “I always invite you to come to this café with me after school.”

____

“Uh—what?” asked a confused Eunsang. He reached for his glass of water to ease the awkwardness. 

____

“Eunsang, I like you,” Junho admitted quickly, stringing the words together. 

____

That’s when Eunsang choked on his drink and spit it back into the glass, and he found himself unable to quit coughing.

____

“W-What did you just say?” 

____

“I like you.”

____

Junho looked straight at him, nervously chewing his lip as he waited for Eunsang to compose himself and respond to his abrupt confession.

____

Eunsang just sat in his chair, struggling to string together a coherent sentence or appropriate response. Up until this point, not _onc _e had he ever considered Junho as a romantic partner. He had assumed all their amicable chemistry was due to their close and natural friendship; _not_ because Junho had been secretly pining for him this whole time. __

______ _ _

“I-I need to think about how I feel,” Eunsang answered finally.

______ _ _

_I need to think about how I feel about_ him. 

______ _ _

—

______ _ _

Eunsang calls Junho.

______ _ _

He picks up after the seventh ring, interrupting the all-too-familiar monotonous beep that proceeds the eighth tone. 

______ _ _

“Eunsang?” Junho asks on the other end. “What are you doing?”

______ _ _

Eunsang hangs up. 

______ _ _

Junho tries calling him back.

______ _ _

Eight rings, one beep. 

______ _ _

Straight to voicemail.

______ _ _

He’s not ready to talk to him yet. He isn’t sure yet.

______ _ _

He still needs to think about how he feels.

______ _ _

—

______ _ _

The guilt and awkwardness from last week’s conversation at the café were continuously eating Eunsang up inside. He knew how it felt to wait around, questioning a crush’s every action and reaction in order to find a semblance of reciprocated feelings.

______ _ _

_Minhee probably doesn’t even like me back,_ he thought to himself.

______ _ _

Minhee’s seemingly unresponsive behavior made Eunsang feel antsy and disheartened. What made him feel even more guilty was knowing that by giving Junho a vague answer and barely talking to him for the past week, he was essentially doing what Minhee was doing to him.

______ _ _

_How do I feel about Junho?_

_______ _ _ _

_______ _ _ _

_I’m not sure yet, and that’s the problem._

______ _ _

Surely, there were a lot of things he liked about Junho.

______ _ _

For example, his laugh. Eunsang always thought Junho had the most delightful laugh, and Junho’s lively laughter always seemed to echo throughout the room, no matter how loud or how quiet it was. What Eunsang also liked was how Junho would laugh at the most nonsensical things, whether it be a funny memory he suddenly remembered or an extremely corny joke. Even if the reason for Junho’s laughter was cringy, Eunsang still enjoyed listening to his loud and cheerful chuckling. Just hearing him laugh made Eunsang want to laugh along with him, no matter how unfunny the actual subject matter was.

______ _ _

That was another thing Eunsang liked about Junho. He had a peculiar sense of humor. Eunsang found him to be the funniest whenever he _wasn’t_ intentionally cracking a joke. For some reason, he just found everything Junho said to be hilarious, and for that reason, he continued to hang out with him.

______ _ _

There were other things about Junho that he admired, and Eunsang could go on-and-on about his favorite things about him. 

______ _ _

But was liking aspects of Junho the same as actually _liking_ him?

______ _ _

Eunsang knew it wasn’t, but he figured that with their chemistry and mutual platonic attraction, romantic feelings would eventually emerge on his end.

______ _ _

So that’s why he gave him a call.

______ _ _

Junho picked up before the phone could even ring a second time.

______ _ _

“Eunsang, what are you doing?” asked Junho.

______ _ _

“Look, I’ve been thinking,” Eunsang began, “I’m still not entirely sure about the way I feel about you, but I’m willing to give it a chance. I’m willing to give _us_ a chance.”

______ _ _

“So you’re saying—”

______ _ _

“I think it could work. Like, us dating or being a couple, or whatever you wanted to pursue. I don’t know, I just—I get the feeling that somehow, someway, this will all work out.”

______ _ _

“I-I don’t know what to say.”

______ _ _

“So, I guess that makes you my boyfriend?”

______ _ _

“Boyfriend? I like the sound of that.”

______ _ _

“Oh, one last thing, do you think you could meet by the steps tomorrow before school? It occurred to me that you’ve never met my best friend.”

______ _ _

“I thought _I_ was your best friend.”

______ _ _

“You’re going to have to try harder than that if you want to take my best friend’s spot, and trust me, he’s a stubborn one.”

______ _ _

“Please, I’m sure I could take him down.”

______ _ _

“And you can tell him all about it tomorrow. So, I’ll see you then?”

______ _ _

“Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow morning, _boyfriend.”_

______ _ _

The next morning, Eunsang was sitting at the edge of the concrete steps, just as he had promised Junho. He was curious about the identity of his new partner’s best friend, as he realized that Junho hadn’t brought him up in previous conversations. Eunsang tried to remain calm and keep a cool exterior, but deep down, he was freaking out. After all, this person had probably known Junho for years, and any mistake on his end could quickly turn them into enemies. 

______ _ _

Junho finally approached him, eagerly pulling his best friend along, and Eunsang’s heart stopped when he made eye contact with him.

______ _ _

“Minhee!” Eunsang said. “I didn’t know you were friends with Junho!” 

______ _ _

_Minhee? His best friend is_ Minhee?

______ _ _

“Yep,” Minhee said with tightness in his throat. “So Junho, is this the guy you’ve been telling me about?”

______ _ _

“Yeah, it is! We met in math class and became friends afterward, but we got together last night! I didn’t realize you two already knew each other! Kinda funny how these things worked out, huh?”

______ _ _

“Hilarious,” said Minhee. 

______ _ _

For a split second, Eunsang met Minhee’s eyes. They seemed desaturated and colorless, almost as if they’re filled with regret or sadness.

______ _ _

Or heartbreak.

______ _ _

But it only lasted a second, and when Eunsang met his eyes again, the sadness had already dissipated. 

______ _ _

“Minhee? You okay? You’ve been zoning out for the last minute?” asked Junho.

______ _ _

“Sorry, I’m just tired,” Minhee said quickly before yawning.

______ _ _

“Hey, you can always just sleep through literature again,” Eunsang teased. He reached out to tug on Minhee’s sleeve, but the latter quickly pulled away.

______ _ _

It was a brisk, subtle action, but it was enough for Eunsang to conclude that everything between the two of them was platonic. 

______ _ _

It was enough for him to let go of any feelings he had for Minhee. 

______ _ _

After all, from now on, he was Junho’s.

______ _ _

That was the reality.

______ _ _

—

______ _ _

Another incoming phone-call. Eight rings, one beep. Straight to voicemail.

______ _ _

Eunsang still isn’t ready to talk to him.

______ _ _

The other end leaves a message anyway.

______ _ _

“It occurred to me that I never explained the circumstances of our break-up.

______ _ _

I’m sorry it took me so long to explain.

______ _ _

Eunsang, I was really insecure when we first got together freshman year. Like, _really_ insecure. I thought I got over it after the first few months, and after you first told me you loved me. Then our third anniversary came around, and I don’t know, for some reason, the idea of falling deeper in love with you concerned me. 

______ _ _

It honestly scared me. A lot.

______ _ _

I told you before; I thought I was falling out of love with you. Looking back, I was falling more and more in love with you. I felt so insecure and anxious and frightened by the thought that I started distancing myself to the point where it made our relationship stagnant. 

______ _ _

I just wanted to cut you loose before the strings tying us together became too tangled for me to sever. 

______ _ _

When I first broke up with you, I didn’t understand why I felt so uncertain about our relationship. Besides, our time together was _perfect._

______ _ _

Our time together was like living in Paris.

______ _ _

But, I’ve been thinking these past two weeks, and I figured out why I started feeling so unsure about our relationship.

______ _ _

I guess I was scared to fall deeper in love with you than I already had. 

______ _ _

I was scared that the rest of my life would be _just_ you, and everything would just revolve around you and our relationship. It’s a stupid fear, I know. But it scared me because I couldn’t help but think “what-if?”

______ _ _

What if after you became my everything, you just left one day? I know you always insisted we’d be together forever and go to Paris and all that romantic crap we always talked about. But what if something happened that made you realize you didn’t love me anymore, so you would need to break my heart?

______ _ _

Because if you were to become my everything, I would be left with nothing in the off-chance you decided to leave. 

______ _ _

Which is exactly why I didn’t tell you about Minhee’s confession. 

______ _ _

I should have, though. I should have told you about his feelings. I should have given you the chance to think about how you really felt instead of spending our month back together picking fights with you and hiding things. 

______ _ _

I should have given you the chance to choose. 

______ _ _

And I’m sorry I didn’t. 

______ _ _

I’m sorry, Eunsang.

______ _ _

Anyway, I’m calling to let you know that Minhee and I have reconciled. He and I have been talking about you, all good things, of course.

______ _ _

We’ve decided to be happy for you no matter what you choose.

______ _ _

Obviously, I want you to choose me, but it’s probably too late for us. 

______ _ _

Besides, there’s a reason you walked out that day. You don’t have to deny it. I know.

______ _ _

No matter what happens, I’ll still love you.

______ _ _

You know that, right?”

______ _ _

—

______ _ _

“Hey, sis!” Eunsang calls out, “I’m just gonna go for a drive. I’ll be back in a few hours.”

______ _ _

Eunsang starts the engine and begins driving. He didn’t really have a designated route planned out, so he just drives to wherever his mind takes him, following whatever directions feel right.

______ _ _

A few minutes later, he arrives at the first stop.

______ _ _

The Parisian café. 

______ _ _

“Will that be all?” asks the cashier after Eunsang orders.

______ _ _

“Yeah, just the slice of strawberry cake with hot chocolate, please.”

______ _ _

“You know,” began the cashier as she counted up change, “It was weird not seeing you and your boyfriend here for the past few months.”

______ _ _

“W-We broke up, actually,” Eunsang stammers awkwardly.

______ _ _

“What a shame. You two were actually some of our first customers. It’s like everything started when both of you first visited.”

______ _ _

“Huh, I never thought of it like that.”

______ _ _

Everything started in this café. 

______ _ _

That first visit three years ago was the catalyst for Junho and Eunsang’s budding romance. Like they had promised on that first visit, they ended up making this place their own. Paris became a symbol of Eunsang’s relationship with Junho, and both of them had the mutual end-goal to spend the rest of their lives living in pink together.

______ _ _

Obviously, both of their goals changed over the years. 

______ _ _

Once he’s received his cake and hot chocolate, Eunsang settles down at his and Junho’s usual table. 

______ _ _

He feels out of place, sitting alone at a table for two. He almost raises his glass of hot chocolate to toast out of habit before catching himself and remembering he’s here by himself. 

______ _ _

Eunsang brings the mug to his lips, and as expected, the chocolate-y liquid burns his tongue. If Junho was here, the two would have laughed about it and jokingly criticized themselves for never learning. But Junho isn’t here, so all Eunsang can do is force himself to deal with the numbing feeling imprinted on his tongue.

______ _ _

He takes a bite of the strawberry cake, but the sweet taste of the pink only brings back bitter memories of their break-up. 

______ _ _

Afterward, Eunsang decides he isn’t hungry anymore, and immediately leaves the café to head to wherever his mind feels like taking him.

______ _ _

Apparently, his mind chose the library because now he’s in the fiction section, glancing at the selection of books as he traces the titles with his pointer finger. 

______ _ _

He stops when he sees the familiar mahogany cover. 

______ _ _

Eunsang carefully grabs it off the shelf, opening the front cover where the check-out log is located, scanning the names of those who have checked it out.

______ _ _

_Lee Eunsang._

______ _ _

A few random names, with Eunsang's own name popping up a few more times from all the times he borrowed this novel. 

______ _ _

_Cha Junho._

______ _ _

More random names, and then written in neat print at the bottom of the list, _Kang Minhee._

______ _ _

Eunsang glances at the dates written next to his name. He notices the return date is the Monday after he first got together with Junho. That’s when Eunsang slams the book shut and slides it back to its spot on the shelf. 

______ _ _

As he heads towards the exit, he spots a couple sitting at his and Minhee’s usual table. They’re both focused on the books they’re reading, but their hands are intertwined and resting on the table.

______ _ _

_Just like Minhee and I._

______ _ _

He remembers each time they’d go to the library when Minhee would excitedly pull out the mystery novel from his backpack, curious as to what clues the following chapters would leave him. During their fake relationship, Eunsang’s favorite new thing to do would be to hide his face behind his book and pretend to read the words on the page while surreptitiously glancing at Minhee. There was something so innocent and charming about Minhee’s reactions to the story that even a self-proclaimed book lover like Eunsang found watching him to be more entertaining than reading.

______ _ _

The library is closing soon, so Eunsang heads out and walks towards the bus stop.

______ _ _

He sits at the bench by the stop, looking up towards the yellow glow of the streetlights. 

______ _ _

_“May I have this dance?”_

_______ _ _ _

_______ _ _ _

_“You may.”_

______ _ _

After he and Junho became a couple, Eunsang’s crush on Minhee quickly faded, and he found himself falling for his new boyfriend as they got even closer and closer. During his time with Junho, he completely forgot that he harbored feelings for Minhee at one point.

______ _ _

Pretending to date him brought back all those feelings. 

______ _ _

_“Do you want this to be real?”_

______ _ _

_“Do you have feelings for Minhee?”_

______ _ _

_“Did your answer change?”_

______ _ _

It’s been three weeks since he left Junho, and Eunsang still can’t quite decipher the answer to those questions. 

______ _ _

They were basic yes or no questions, yet, Eunsang still struggled to answer them. Saying yes would have been a lie. Saying no would have been a lie as well. Saying any other answer wouldn’t have been succinct enough. 

______ _ _

Junho and Minhee are friends again because they’re back to laughing and joking with one another in the hallway. It should comfort Eunsang, but their rekindled friendship stresses him out more than it reassures him. They _just_ started hanging out again, and Eunsang knows once he makes his choice, all of that could go away.

______ _ _

But he also knows that once he answers those three questions, everything can stop being complicated, and all the issues between the three of them can slowly start to fade away.

______ _ _

_I wonder what the streetlights look like in Paris,_ he thinks to himself as he looks up again.

______ _ _

Eunsang stays seated for a bit longer, continuing to mull over the answer to those three questions. He continues watching the lights and twinkly stars until he’s finally satisfied with his answers. 

______ _ _

Then he makes a phone call.

______ _ _

The person he’s calling picks up on the first ring. 

______ _ _

“Eunsang?” the other end asks. “This has to be a prank, right?”

______ _ _

“Why would I be pranking you?”

______ _ _

“I just didn’t expect you to call _me._ Didn’t I tell you to call him instead the other day?”

______ _ _

“You did, but it just felt right to call you first. Are you busy?”

______ _ _

“It depends. What do you need?”

______ _ _

“I need to talk to you.”

______ _ _

“Go ahead.”

______ _ _

“No, I need to talk to you in-person.”

______ _ _

“Wait, what?”

______ _ _

“I’ve figured out how I feel, and we need to talk now. We need to talk about us.”

______ _ _


	11. I Love You More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So you’re sure you’d be okay with it?”
> 
>  _Love fucking sucks,_ Junho thinks to himself.
> 
> “I’m sure.”
> 
> _But it doesn’t suck for Minhee._

**"Don't lose me after wandering off,  
**You are everything I need" — _Stay,_ Cravity** **

****

****

“You’re fucking dead to me, Kang Minhee.” 

_Click._

Minhee tries calling him back. 

“Hi, it’s Eunsang! I’m a bit busy right now, but I’ll get back to you eventually if I don’t forget. I probably will, if I’m being honest. Well, leave a message if you want to anyway!”

“C’mon, c’mon,” Minhee mutters to himself. “Pick up.”

“Hi, it’s Eunsang! I’m a bit busy right now, but I’ll get back to you event—”

Voicemail again. Minhee gets more and more anxious each time he hears Eunsang’s muffled voice relay that dreaded message. 

_Not like this. Please, not like this._

Even though he could barely bring himself to do it, he spent the past month forcing himself to hate Eunsang, forcing himself to erase Eunsang from every bittersweet memory, and forcing himself to let go.

Now that Eunsang had let go of him, Minhee was doing everything to somehow turn back time and reverse everything so he could have a second chance at holding on. 

_Gray regret, gray regret, gray regret._

_Gray heartbreak._

Minhee attempts to call him one last time, but he’s interrupted by an incoming call. At first, he thinks it's Eunsang calling him back. He glances at the screen, and he almost drops his phone when he sees it’s not Eunsang calling him. 

Two rings.

Minhee remains frozen as he stares at the contact name. He rapidly blinks his eyes, anxiously hoping his mind is playing tricks on him.

It’s not. This is real.

He’s really calling.

Three more rings for a total of five. 

Minhee reluctantly accepts the call after the seventh ring. 

“H-Hey Junho,” he stammers. “It’s been a while.”

—

“Can you explain to me exactly _how_ this all started?” Junho asks after arriving at Minhee’s place later that day. 

Minhee buries his head into the throw pillow as his mind replays the Friday night that catalyzed the entire situation. 

“Your ears are so pink,” laughs Junho. “Lay it on me.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Minhee says, his voice muffled in the pillow's fabric.

“C’mon, you can tell me.”

“Nope.”

“Minhee, I already know you’re in love with Eunsang.”

“It’s not that. It’s just the way it all began is embarrassing.”

“Now, I’m even more curious.”

“And now I’m even less inclined to tell you.”

“Kang Minhee!” whines Junho as he grabs onto Minhee’s shoulders and begins vigorously shaking his friend around.

“Never!” Minhee argues back as Junho continues pushing him around.

“Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me!”

“No!”

“Why, did something bad happen?”

“I wouldn’t say it was _bad.”_

“Then, just tell me already!”

“The night you dumped Eunsang, he called me and asked if he could come over to my place,” Minhee admits, still keeping his head buried in his plush pillow.

“So, that really happened?” Junho asks. “You guys really did hang out right after I dumped him?”

“We didn’t _just_ hang out.” The pink hue of Minhee’s ears deepens, and he continues to keep his face pressed against the pillow.

“Care to explain?”

“No, I think I’m good.”

“Minhee!”

“I’m not telling!”

Junho lunges forward and tackles Minhee.

“You know what the best thing about being your best friend is?” asks Junho as he holds Minhee down against the couch. 

“What?”

“I know all your ticklish spots!”

“Don’t you da—” Before Minhee could fight back, Junho began tickling the sensitive spot near his belly button, causing him to flinch and violently erupt into uncontrollable laughter.

“Junho, stop!” Minhee cries out between forced laughs. 

“Are you going to tell me what happened?”

“No!”

“Sucks!” 

Junho continues to jab at all of Minhee’s ticklish spots until the latter finds himself choking and gasping for air, unable to catch his breath to his constant laughter. 

“Alright, fine!” Minhee says exasperatedly, coughing out the words. “From what I can recall, I got wasted, so I was completely out of my mind, and I fucking _kissed_ him.”

“That’s it?” Junho snorts as he releases his friend and sits up straight again. “All you did was kiss him, and you’re acting like a total wuss?”

“Hey, it was my first kiss, alright!”

“Your first kiss, and you weren’t even sober enough to remember it the next day?”

“Shut up, this is why I didn’t want to tell you!”

“I would’ve found out about it eventually! Besides, it doesn’t matter _when_ I would’ve found out, because either way, I would’ve bullied you for it.”

“I seriously can’t stand you.”

“And whose problem is that? Yours,” Junho taunts. “So, all of that is real?”

“Yeah, all of that was real,” Minhee says as he looks up. “Everything else after wasn’t.”

“You sure about that?”

“Junho, everything between Eunsang and I was all fake; we were just pretending. I know you knew that.”

“Tell that to Eunsang then.”

“What?” Minhee looks up at his best friend, and he notices his previously lighthearted mood has shifted into a more somber one. 

“That’s actually why I wanted to come over and talk to you,” Junho admits melancholically. “Eunsang and I broke up again. It happened last night.”

“I-I’m sorry.” His best friend remains stoic, and Minhee wraps his arms around him and pulls him tight for a hug. 

“Don’t be,” Junho whispers as he grabs hold of Minhee’s arm and clutches him tight.

It’s the first time the two friends have embraced in weeks, yet it feels comfortable and familiar. 

“So, what are you doing here?” Minhee says when they finally release. “Go win him back!”

“He doesn’t want me back,” Junho says as he shakes his head. 

“Junho, don’t say that.”

“I’m letting him go.”

“You can’t.”

“Yes, I can, and yes, I will.”

“Junho, I didn’t even date him, and I couldn’t handle seeing you two together,” Minhee says. “What makes you think you’ll be able to let him go after three years?”

“You deserve to be happy, too,” Junho answers. “So, I’m letting him go.”

“But Eunsang—”

“Eunsang’s in love with _you.”_

“Very funny, Junho.”

“I’m serious. Minhee, you didn’t see the way he reacted when he found out you were in love with him.”

“But he found out when I told him last month, yet he still stayed with you?”

“I have a confession to make,” Junho blurts out.

 _“Another_ confession?” groans Minhee. “Aren’t these getting exhausting? Any, let it out.”

“Eunsang didn’t find out about the way you felt about him until last night,” he answers. “That’s why we broke up.”

“Y-You—It was _you_ on the other end that night!” Minhee realizes, smacking himself on the forehead. “Eunsang never hung up on me, because he never picked up the phone! I’m such an idiot, it all makes sense now!”

“I’m so sorry for not saying anything that night, and for hanging up on you, and for not addressing everything going on,” Junho says apologetically. “I screwed both of you over, and I only made the things between the three of us even more confusing and infuriating.”

“I screwed you over, too,” admits Minhee. “I didn’t tell Eunsang that you knew about our plan from the start. I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want it to stop. I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry for holding on to him and being delusional enough to think that it was real and for thinking that’s how love was supposed to be because it _wasn’t.”_

“I know,” Junho says quietly as he gives Minhee’s arm a squeeze. “I know.”

“It was stupid of me, though,” Minhee continues. “I mean, we ended up putting a stop to the whole thing the night you called him. He would’ve ended up with you, either way, so I should’ve told him earlier.”

“Please, after everything that’s occurred these past few months, it’ll be next to impossible for us to recover and get back together a _second_ time,” says Junho. “I doubt we’ll end up together again, no matter how much I want to.”

“Yeah, I feel the exact same way about him and me.”

“Seriously, you’re really acting like you don’t have a chance with him?” snorts a baffled Junho, shaking his head in disbelief. “You know, he was a complete mess because of you. He asked about you almost every single day.”

“Shit!” curses Minhee as the realization hits him. “No wonder he was so upset about me cutting him off because he never heard the phone call!”

“Again, totally my fault. I’m sorry, I should have told him about it sooner.”

“Junho, it’s okay. I shouldn’t have cut him off without talking to him.”

“Why did you do it? Why did you spend the past month ignoring him?”

“I needed to stop feeling the way I felt about him, and I thought the only way I could do that was if I completely pushed him aside.”

“He was so worried about you.”

“I know. He called me almost every single day.”

“Yeah, he told me that too. He said you would never pick up.”

“I was scared if I picked up and talked to him, I’d end up falling for him again.”

“Is that such a bad thing?”

“Of course it is!” says Minhee. “I was devastated when you two got back together, and I really felt myself lose control over everything. If I fell for him again, then I would reopen the possibility of getting my heart broken again.”

“It won’t happen again,” Junho says insistently. “Trust me, it won’t.”

“What makes you so sure?”

“Minhee, you _are_ aware he’s in love with you too, right?”

“Junho, he loves _you.”_

“Eunsang literally walked out on me. He walked out on me when I asked him how he felt about you. I just think he’s refusing to admit it; you know how stubborn he gets sometimes. But once he does realize it, just know that I’ll be happy for you two.”

“Junho, I could never do that to you.”

“Minhee, you hid your feelings for _three_ years. I know you don’t want to upset me, but trust me, you should be with him.” 

“I-I just, I d-don’t,” stutters Minhee. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Just consider it?” says Junho. “I mean, you loved him for three years, and I’m telling you right now he loves you back. The least you could do is think about it.”

 _“If_ I were to get with Eunsang—and may I emphasize, _if_ —are you sure you’d be okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“B-Because I wasn’t,” Minhee chokes. “I wasn’t okay at all, and the last thing I want is for you to go through that.”

“And the last thing _I_ want is for you to endure that even more.”

“Junho—”

“Minhee, you don’t get it, do you?”

“Get what?”

“I’d be more okay knowing you and Eunsang are together than I would be staying with him and knowing he’s pining for you deep down.”

“So you’re sure you’d be okay with it?”

 _Love fucking sucks,_ Junho thinks to himself.

“I’m sure.”

_But it doesn’t suck for Minhee._

“Just promise me one thing,” Minhee says as he holds his pinky finger up. “No matter who Eunsang picks, we won’t let it get between us?”

“Never again.” Junho smiles at him as he wraps his own pinky finger around Minhee’s. They keep their fingers locked together, refusing to risk losing each other once again. “I’ve missed you,” he whispers, wrapping his finger even tighter.

“Sheesh, you can cut the cheesy shit now,” Minhee says cynically as he breaks away. He’s rolling his eyes, but Junho can tell by his playful smile that his best friend has missed him too.

“What, I thought we were having a nice heart-to-heart?” Junho pouts, pretending to be upset at Minhee’s robotic coldness. 

“I think I liked it better when you weren’t such a clingy romantic.”

“You coward, say it! Say you love me.”

“No.”

“Minhee, you dick, I came all this way to make amends, and you can’t even tell your best friend you love him?”

“Bold of you to assume I love you.”

“That sounds like something someone who loves me would say.”

“Too bad, I don’t.”

“You _love_ me.”

“Stop.”

“C’mon Minhee, don’t be such a sore loser. You _love_ me.”

“No, I don’t!”

“You’re awfully defensive for someone who claims to not love me! You might as well just admit it at this point.”

“Not unless you say it first.”

“It’s not fun if I say it first!”

“Then I guess I won’t say it at all.”

“Fine. I love you, Minhee.”

“I love you more, Junho.”

—

“I called Eunsang earlier this week,” Minhee says to Junho during lunch a few days later. 

“What’d you say?”

“I told him I was letting him go,” Minhee answers, which leads to Junho smacking the back of his head. 

“Ow!” Minhee cries out as he rubs the spot. “What was that for!”

“You’re so stupid!”

“For what!”

“For letting go of Eunsang!?”

“You told me to at least think about it, and I did,” Minhee says defensively. “I thought about it, and I decided to let him go.”

“After everything you’ve been through, why would you do that?”

“Junho, I can’t keep chasing after him anymore,” Minhee sighs. “I know you keep saying he loves me back, and I have a chance with him, but I don’t know, it’s all so terrifying, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Junho says, reminiscing over his previous relationship, “I guess love is pretty terrifying.”

“Anyway,” Minhee says, changing the subject. “How’d you do on the chemistry quiz?”

“Why, so you can brag about your grade again?” Junho rolls his eyes at Minhee, and the latter sticks his tongue out in retaliation.

“Nerd!” Junho taunts as he chucks one of his snacks towards Minhee’s face.

“A nerd who got an A on the chemistry quiz!”

“Whatever.”

Minhee childishly giggles at Junho’s sulky and whiny behavior, but his face falls when he glances over his best friend’s shoulder. 

Junho briefly looks behind him, and his eyes land on Eunsang. When he turns back around, Minhee still has a fallen, defeated look on his face, chewing the corner of his lip as Eunsang remains in his view. 

_He’s still in love with him,_ Junho realizes. _Even after he let go, he’s still in love with him._

Hours later, the conversation from lunch is still echoing in his mind.

Memories are flurrying around him like snowflakes once again. 

Uncertainty and confusion build up inside of him, like drips of melting icicles pooling on slick, black mountains. 

Even after he’s arrived at home, Junho still can’t stop replaying the conversation, and his mind continues to fixate on Minhee sad eyes surreptitiously watching Eunsang. It hurts seeing Minhee so crestfallen and colorless. 

It hurts Junho even more, knowing he feels exactly the same way.

_I’m still in love with him too._

Junho spends the rest of the afternoon caught in the middle of the blizzard of memories and frigid wind pushing at him. 

_“It’s all so terrifying, isn’t it?”_

He needs to make his way out of the numbing cold, and the only way to do that is to call for help.

So, he calls Eunsang. 

“Hi, it’s Eunsang! I’m a bit busy right now, but I’ll get back to you eventually if I don’t forget. I probably will, if I’m being honest. Well, leave a message if you want to anyway!”

“It occurred to me that I never explained the circumstances of our break-up,” he begins after the phone beeps. “I’m sorry it took me so long to explain.”

The next day, as Junho is rushing to class, he carelessly bumps into someone. The person turns around, and both of them stand still as they face each other for the first time in weeks. 

“H-Hi,” he stammers awkwardly.

“Hi,” Eunsang says back. 

“So, uh—how have you been?”

“Good. Just…” Eunsang pauses for a moment. “Just thinking.”

“Yeah, I’ve been doing a lot of that, too.”

“I got your voicemail,” Eunsang says. “A-And, I get it now. I get why we broke up the first time. You’re right, it is scary, and I understand why you pushed me away.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m sorry I wasn’t a more reassuring boyfriend and that our relationship made you feel so unsure. I’m sorry for getting all tangled up with…”

“You can say it, it’s not like he’s Voldemort,” snickers Junho.

“I’m sorry about everything that happened with Minhee.”

“It’s okay. I’m sorry that I broke up with you in the first place. After all, that’s what caused you to start chasing him in the first place.”

“Well, I’m not really ‘chasing’ him anymore,” Eunsang admits. “In fact, I haven’t said a word to him since after we broke up.”

“You should change that.”

“What?”

“Give him a call soon and say something to him. He misses you.”

—

Junho found it funny that he could miss something without even realizing he missed it. 

Despite the resentment he felt towards Minhee only weeks ago, he still missed his best friend’s presence dearly. 

To make up for the lack of communication and near deterioration of their friendship, the two made a consistent effort to hang out as much as possible and create new memories that they didn’t get the chance to experience during their fight. 

Today’s memory: a typical movie night consisting of an all-night marathon of cheesy and badly-made films. 

“Why didn’t you tell me they made a movie adaptation of the book!” whines Minhee as he gets comfortable on the couch.

“Because it’s a shit movie,” snorts Junho, grabbing the red popcorn bowl from Minhee’s lap.

“Stop hogging all the snacks!”

“I’m not!”

“Are too!”

“Am not!”

“Just put it in between us instead of being such a greedy gremlin!”

“As I was saying,” says Junho as he places the bowl on the table, “This adaptation sucks. Like, they cut out half of the suspects and completely changed Mr. Han’s motive for perpetrating the entire murder and investigation!”

“Well, at least we can make fun of it and eat popcorn while we watch!”

Minhee sprawls out on the couch, resting his head on Junho’s lap and occasionally reaching his hand out toward the table to grab a fistful of popcorn and greedily shove it in his mouth.

“Man, you were right, this movie is ass,” he says with a mouthful of the buttery snack. “Can we change it?”

“Hey, _you_ were the one who kept insisting we watch it!” Junho argues. “As punishment, you have to sit through it!”

Minhee spends the next hour being annoyed at the movie while Junho spends the next hour being annoyed at his friend’s constant complaining. 

“Oh, here it comes! The part where they find Mr. Han alive!”

“Too bad the movie doesn’t do it justice.”

They’re nearing the end of the film, and just when the plot twist is about to be revealed, Junho’s phone goes off. 

Minhee pauses the movie as Junho gets up and reaches for his cellphone. Both of them freeze when they see the contact flashing on the screen, and the air around them becomes tense.

“Why is he calling?” Minhee says in a barely-audible whisper. 

“I wasn’t expecting a call from him,” Junho says. His hands begin to shake as he contemplates his next move. “Should I answer it?”

“Can you put it on speaker?” asks Minhee. Junho slowly nods in response as he accepts the call and presses the speaker icon.

“Eunsang?” he questions nervously. “This has to be a prank, right?”

“Why would I be pranking you?” says Eunsang.

“I just didn’t expect you to call _me,_ ” Junho answers as he glances towards Minhee. “Didn’t I tell you to call him instead the other day?”

“You did, but it just felt right to call you first. Are you busy?”

“It depends. What do you need?”

“I need to talk to you.”

“Go ahead.”

“No, I need to talk to you in-person.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’ve figured out how I feel, and we need to talk now. We need to talk about us.”

“I-I’m at Minhee’s right now.”

“Tomorrow, then?”

“Sure, that works, I guess?”

“Okay. I’ll see you then.”

Eunsang hangs up, leaving the two friends sitting in silence as they reach for each other’s hands and squeeze them tight. 

“So, he wants to talk to you about your relationship?” Minhee finally says.

“Seems like it,” Junho answers softly. 

“You told him to call me?”

“Yeah, earlier this week, when I ran into him in the hallway.”

“And yet—” Minhee’s voice trails off. 

“I don’t know why he called me, honestly.”

“I’m happy for you,” croaks Minhee.

Junho shakes his head at him. “Don’t say that. We don’t even know what he’s going to tell me.”

“Well, he called you instead of me,” Minhee says. “That has to mean something, right?” He’s trying to hide the sadness in his voice, but it still manages to escape alongside the words.

_He’s still in love with him._

“Minhee,” whispers Junho, “What happens now?”


	12. Bittersweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bittersweet. All of this is bittersweet. 
> 
> But nevertheless, he knows that he’ll eventually be okay.

**"Sometimes, it's sweet  
Sometimes, it's sour" — _That Day,_ Lovelyz**

“It’s him.”

“I see.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I knew.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, I knew a long time ago you’d find your way back to him. After everything that happened these past few months, it was pretty much inevitable that you’d end up falling for him. You never really did quite get over him, did you?”

“I guess I didn’t.”

“He’s not over you either, by the way.”

“Really? Even after I ended things?”

“You know how he is; he’s never been the type to outwardly express himself. But I can tell. He can keep insisting all he wants, but he’s still in love with you.”

“So if I were to ask him, he’d say yes?”

“He would.”

“Just so you know, the last thing I’d want to do is hurt you again, okay?”

“Eunsang, you’re not hurting me at all. How you feel is how you feel, and I’m okay knowing that you two will be okay.”

“I know, it’s just after everything we’ve been through, I feel terrible for just throwing away all our memories.”

“Eunsang, it’s fine. I’m okay.”

“I know you aren’t. You don’t have to hide it.”

He takes a sip of his coffee, then takes a deep breath as he places the mug back down. “I just don’t want you to dwell on me, that’s all. Of course, it hurts a little, but I’ll find my way out, and I’ll find a way to get over it. You two deserve a happy ending and knowing that both of you will finally get it is relieving. Trust me.”

“Thank you.”

“Just promise me two things.”

“Of course. You took care of me well, so I owe you.”

“First, promise me you’ll never stop bringing me those cookies.”

“Deal.”

“And secondly…”

“What is it?”

“Take care of him, okay? He loves you so much, and all I want is for you to love him back just as much.”

“I will.”

“You better. You’ve seen me when I’m angry, but you do _not_ want to see what will happen if you break his heart.”

“I mean, I already did it once, and nothing happened then, so, I think I’ll be good!”

“You’re testing me, aren’t you?”

“I’m kidding! No more breaking hearts and no more ending up heartbroken. I’m making the right choice, I know it. This feels real.”

“I’m glad you feel that way.”

“You know a part of me will always love you, right?”

“Part of me will always love you too.”

“I still want you in my life, but I understand if you don’t feel the same.”

“You’re so naive.”

“Here we go again.”

“Eunsang, you idiot, of course I still want you in my life.”

“I’m glad.”

“But right now, you need to get out.”

“What?”

“Get out of here and go to him, stupid.”

“Alright, alright, I’m going! But one last thing—”

“Eunsang!”

“Fine, I’ll leave!”

“Good! Now go to him, he’s waiting.” 

“Thank you, I’m sorry, I love you.” Eunsang packs up his things and prepares to head out, giving him one last nod before pushing the glass door and leaving. 

After Eunsang leaves, he sits alone at the table, remembering the time he spent with him here.

_“Next time and all the times after.”_

He’s upset, of course, but he’s happy for him. He’s happy for both of them.

He takes one last sip of his coffee before leaving.

It tastes bittersweet.

Bittersweet. All of this is bittersweet. 

But nevertheless, he knows that he’ll eventually be okay. 

“Goodbye, Eunsang,” he whispers to himself. “I love you.”

He reminisces one last time before finally letting go. 

—

“Me?” asks a startled, wide-eyed Minhee. “Like, for real? You chose _me?”_

“I mean yeah, why else would I ask you to meet me at this bus stop?” answers Eunsang.

The two go quiet for a bit, looking up to admire the view of the streetlights. It’s still late afternoon, so the golden glow is faint, but there’s still a subtle yellow spark of electricity.

“You called Junho first,” Minhee says after some time. 

“I called him first because I needed to end things with him before I choose you.”

“Can you repeat that again?”

“I choose you.”

“One more time just for good measure.”

“Seriously, Minhee?” laughs Eunsang. “I choose _you._ Why is it so hard to believe?”

“B-Because—Because love is confusing, and it doesn’t make sense, and I never know what’s going on, and the only thing about love that I understand completely is that it _fucking sucks,”_ sighs Minhee. “Everything between us is so complicated.”

“Then let’s stop making it complicated,” Eunsang says as he reaches for Minhee’s hand. 

“You say that as if it’s easy.” He tries to pull away, but Eunsang continues to latch on to his fingertips. 

“Minhee, I’m going to tell you something, and I want you to know the next few words you’re about to hear are the truth.”

Minhee looks up to meet Eunsang’s clear eyes. “I’m listening.”

“I love you,” Eunsang confesses with complete sincerity. “You understand that, right? That makes sense to you, right?”

Minhee slowly shakes his head, shifting a little bit farther from Eunsang. “You said I was just a rebound,” he whispers. “How do I know you’re not just rebounding again?”

“Were you really _just_ a rebound, Minhee?” Eunsang says, relaying the question Minhee had previously asked over the phone. “Is that really how you feel?”

“It’s just—I just—I spent three years being your second choice. Are you _sure_ it’s me?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

Minhee remains silent, turning away from Eunsang to look back up towards the streetlights. 

“I know you’re feeling apprehensive about all of this,” Eunsang sighs as he scoots closer to Minhee. “I was too.”

“I know. I know why you have this feeling of uncertainty because, for months, everything between us was _so uncertain._

I’m sorry that I was the reason for that.

I’m sorry for getting us tangled in this mess to begin with, for always dodging your questions, for pulling you back and forth, for laughing with you one minute, then crying to you about Junho the next. 

I’m sorry that I broke your heart.

I get why you wouldn’t want to fall in love again after all of that. 

But months ago, I told you there’s a reason why people choose to fall in love anyway. I told you, despite all the hurt and pain that comes with falling in love, people believe it’s worth it. 

I believe you’re worth it. So I’m asking you now, do you believe _I’m_ worth it?”

_There’s something about Eunsang._

“You are,” Minhee answers, squeezing Eunsang’s hand tight. “You’re worth _everything._ That’s why I stayed. That’s why I let myself spiral and lose touch with reality. That’s why I let you break my heart. That’s why all of this is so _terrifying.”_

“I know,” says Eunsang. “I know what I said. I know that I left. I know that I broke your heart. But I’m here to hopefully fix it again. I choose you, and now I’m choosing to pick up the pieces and stitch your heart back together. I don’t care how long it takes, Kang Minhee. I’m going to prove to you that there’s a reason people fall in love. I’m going to prove to you that you’re no longer a rebound, that you’re no longer a second choice, and that you are absolutely, completely worth it.”

For a brief moment, Minhee looks at him with wonderstruck eyes, but they go gray again when another realization hits him. “What about Junho?”

“He made me promise to take care of you.”

“So he’s okay?”

“Not completely, but I think he will be.”

“Well,” Minhee says as lips curl up into a small smile, “We can’t let you break your promise to him, can we?”

“No,” Eunsang says, smiling back at him, “We can’t.”

“Gosh, how did we even end up here,” Minhee laughs cynically.

“The whole situation is stupid, isn’t it?” Eunsang says.

“Yeah, it is. This kind of stuff only happens to main characters in books.”

“Want to hear something even stupider?”

“I think I’ve dealt with stupidity to last a lifetime.”

“C’mon, it’s kinda funny!” 

“Fine, lay it on me.”

Eunsang uses his free hand to reach into his jacket's pocket, and Minhee’s breath stops when Eunsang reveals the final fragment he had let go of the previous month. 

“Do you know why I bought this three years ago?” Eunsang asks, displaying the Kuromi eraser between his fingers. 

“You lost my old one after borrowing it. The Kuromi print reminded you of me, so you bought me this new eraser,” Minhee answers in a whisper, keeping his eyes locked on the eraser. 

“Well, yeah,” says Eunsang, “But I got it for you because I liked you.”

Minhee drops Eunsang’s hand and vigorously swats his shoulder. “You _what?!”_ he screeches, completely dumbfounded by the revelation. 

“I liked you,” Eunsang repeats earnestly.

“But you were dating Junho?” 

“This was before I got together with him. But then you didn’t use the eraser so I assumed you didn’t like the gift or me.”

“Are you kidding?” Minhee asks exasperatedly. “I had the _biggest_ crush on you! That’s the whole reason I didn’t use the eraser.”

“Well, I had the biggest crush on you too,” says Eunsang. “But if I’m being honest, I totally forgot I used to like you.”

“Okay, Eunsang, just keep going. Why don’t you shoot me in the foot while you’re at it?” 

“You didn’t let me finish. I did forget I liked you. That was until we started pretending. Funny how our game of pretend felt so real, huh?”

“Yeah,” Minhee says wistfully. “It’s bittersweet.”

“Bittersweet, yeah, that’s the word I’m looking for,” murmurs Eunsang. “All of this is bittersweet. Our fake-dating charade was basically us living out what could’ve been if we weren’t such idiots freshman year.” 

“Why didn’t you say anything!” 

“Why are you putting this all on me, coward!”

“Hey, I was going to confess!”

“But you didn’t!”

“Well, I asked you if you wanted this to be real? Wasn’t that a huge giveaway?”

“I didn’t know why you were asking me at the time!”

“Is that why you said no?” Minhee asks. 

“That’s part of the reason, I guess,” Eunsang admits. “But then you asked me if my answer changed.”

“Did it?”

“I’m here now, aren’t I?”

“So, the answer is?”

“You know for someone ranked so high in our class, you sure are dense.”

“Well, that’s because rankings are based on test scores and assignments, not whether you have feelings for me.”

“You really haven’t figured it out by now?”

“Hey, this kind of stuff is incomprehensible to me!”

“The answer is yes, by the way.”

“So you do? You want this to be real?”

“I do.”

Minhee’s eyes widen at Eunsang’s answer, and he goes quiet again. For the next few minutes, he sits quietly, lightly stroking Eunsang’s thumb as he chews on his lip and contemplates.

“Eunsang, if we do this, if we decide to _actually_ get together, it can’t be for a while, okay?” he says finally. “I need time.”

“Don’t worry, so do I. Besides, I’m still a complete mess after all of this. Like, Jesus Christ, I’ve gone through _two_ break-ups the past few months. Three if you count our fake relationship.”

“I just want to make sure I’m okay again before I fall for you again. I just want to make sure I’m ready.”

“You’ll give me a call when you are, though, right?”

“Of course.”

“Anyway, before I forget,” Eunsang says as he reaches into his jacket pocket again, “I got something for you.”

“Let me guess, _another_ confession?” groans Minhee.

“Hush, I’ve said everything I’ve needed to say!” Eunsang then grabs Minhee’s hand, placing the small gift in his palm before closing his fingers just like how he did three years ago. 

Minhee couldn’t help but notice how perfectly Eunsang’s fingers locked with his own. Eunsang’s heart can’t help but skip a beat at the small revelation.

“You said to bring you strawberries the next time I wanted to surprise you,” says Eunsang. “I didn’t have time to bake cupcakes for you, but I think this should suffice.” He lets go of Minhee’s hand, and the latter opens his fingers to reveal the delicate present. 

“A strawberry eraser?” he asks, eyes fixated on the gift resting in his palm. 

“You told me you couldn’t keep the Kuromi eraser anymore because it reminded you of me,” explains Eunsang. “So, hopefully, this strawberry eraser reminds you that we’ll both be okay no matter what happens. _You’ll_ be okay.”

“Eunsang?” Minhee says as he looks up to meet his eyes. 

“Yes, Minhee?”

“I love you,” he blurts out. “I love you so much.”

“Only took you three years to finally say it,” Eunsang taunts. 

“Nevermind, I take it back.”

“Fine, then give me the eraser back.”

“No!” Minhee whines. “I mean, it’s perfect. Thank you.”

“I’m glad you actually said something instead of just staring back at me like you did three years ago,” teases Eunsang. “Also, can you actually use the eraser instead of just keeping it around in your pocket like a loser?”

“Hey, I just wanted to treasure it!”

“Well, there’s no need to do that this time.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because you have me to treasure instead.”

“You’re so corny,” snorts Minhee as he shoves Eunsang.

“Okay, Mr. ‘It reminds me of you and the way you make me feel,’” Eunsang fires back. 

“Shut up!”

“Make me!”

Minhee swiftly places his hand on Eunsang’s shoulder and pulls him close. 

“There, will that shut you up?” he says, keeping his eyes fixated on Eunsang’s. 

“Nope,” Eunsang says flirtatiously as he leans in closer.

“Anyway,” continues Minhee, “I already asked you if you wanted this to be real, so I think it’s _your_ turn to ask now.”

“Seriously?”

“I just wanna hear you ask it.”

“You’re so demanding!”

“And? Go on. Ask me.”

“Fine. Do you want this to be real?”

“Isn’t it already real?”

“Wha—” Before Eunsang can say anymore, Minhee cusps his hand around the nape of his neck, pulling him close until their foreheads are pressed together, and their lips are barely brushing one another, just like how it was the Friday night everything began. 

“The answer is yes,” he whispers. “Not now. Not right away. But somewhere along the line, eventually, when we’re both ready, I want this to be real.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isn't the last chapter btw there's still one more lmfao


	13. Sweet Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minhee was enchanted by small details like this, and with every new detail about Eunsang he learned, he discovered more reasons to fall more and more in love with him, if that was even possible. 
> 
> He liked to think it was possible.

**"Dream, what I've always pictured  
Dreams come true" — _Merry-Go-Round,_ IZ*ONE**

“Why the _fuck_ did I agree to this! Holy shit, I’m gonna die!” Minhee anxiously paces back and forth across his room, tightly grabbing his hair and pulling it in frustration. “I can’t do this, oh my god! Junho, do you think it’s too late to cancel?”

“Christ, you’re a mess,” Junho says, shaking his head with disappointment. He sprawled out across Minhee’s bed, looking at memes on his phone while his best friend continued to panic. “You’ve been on plenty of dates with Eunsang, what’s so different about this one?”

“First off, it’s been a little less than two months since we started our ‘we-like-each-other-but-we’re-not-dating-because-both-of-us-are-a-complete-mess-and-we-seriously-do-not-have-the-capacity-to-be-in-a-committed-relationship-right-now’ kinda deal, so we haven’t even been on a ‘date’ since we pretended to be a couple all those months ago,” Minhee explains exasperatedly. “Secondly, those weren’t even legitimate dates! But tomorrow? Tomorrow is our first _real_ date. Like, an _actual_ one! Not just a pretend one!”

It had been almost two months since Eunsang and Minhee finally confessed to one another. 

Which meant it had also been two months since Minhee began to find himself again.

Heartbreak was painful. Heartbreak was persistent. For years, it tainted all the color in Minhee’s world with blotches of gray, constantly forcing him to erase and erase until he wore himself down. It had left him to fend for himself in the thick, black forest of anxiety and loneliness. Minhee had stubbornly put up with it for the past three years. But he learned that for his eventual relationship with Eunsang to work out, he’d have to find his way out of that forest, and in the process, find himself. 

Minhee always considered his natural smarts and analytical nature as a strength, but sitting down and analyzing _himself_ was one of the hardest and most draining things he had ever done. After all, he nearly blew it with Eunsang the first time around, and he was determined to not spiral and repeat those same, impulsive mistakes. 

During these two months, he learns a little bit more about love.

Minhee made a lot of mistakes while pursuing the fake-dating cliche; he had acknowledged that way before Eunsang even chose him. He agreed to fake-date Eunsang because of his own selfish desire to win his heart somehow. And when his plan didn’t work? He lashed out at Eunsang, shutting him out and blaming him for destroying his already fragile perception of love. Worst of all, he justified lying to everyone’s face to keep chasing his whimsical delusions, only to blow up in his face as everything shifted into an inescapable nightmare. 

But he realized the biggest mistake he made with Eunsang was treating love as if it was tangible, continuously trying to dissect it and break it down until it made sense.

That’s when he finally admitted to himself that love was simply too complex for him to ever grasp. 

He didn’t understand love, and he likely never would.

And he realized that was okay. 

Finding himself became easier after that. 

As Minhee continued to search for the missing parts of him, color began springing into his gray world again. 

Yellow quickly became his new favorite color. 

Minhee never really cared for it until Eunsang mentioned he associated him with the color.

“Why yellow?” Minhee had asked him.

“When I think of yellow,” Eunsang began, “The first thing that comes to mind is streetlights. You know, like the ones by the bus-stop near the library.”

“Right, but what does that have to do with me?”

“Because when I think about those streetlights, I think about electricity.”

“Electricity?”

“That night, when you reached out your hand and asked me to dance under those yellow lights, I was left _wonderstruck._ Wonderstruck. Struck with wonder. Do you know what being struck with wonder feels like, Minhee?”

“Electric?”

“Exactly. _Electric.”_

“I still don’t quite get it.”

“Do you need me to simplify it for your mini monkey brain?”

“Hey! But yes, I would like you to explain further.”

“I associate you with the color yellow because every time I’m with you, this electrifying spark of wonder ignites inside me.”

“What exactly is that spark?”

“I’m not sure, but I think it’s something special.”

After that conversation, Minhee began noticing flecks of the hue _everywhere._ He wondered how he had never noticed such a beautiful and striking color before. Now, all he wanted was to soak up every shade of yellow he saw. 

Hidden under each golden patch of dazzling yellow were the parts of himself he thought he had long lost.

Slowly, everything started to make sense again. The previously distorted lines between reality and pretend were clear now, and Minhee understood things with ease again.

Of course, he would never quite understand love, but he was okay with that. 

After a few more weeks, Minhee finally felt whole again for the first time in years.

Now that he had put himself back together, he was ready.

He was ready for his relationship with Eunsang to be real.

All he had to do was ask, and all Eunsang had to do was pick a time and place. 

Last week, he and Eunsang were talking on the phone, and everything clicked perfectly into place. 

“You might have to get me a new eraser soon,” he said.

“Oh, you’re actually using the strawberry eraser?” Eunsang teased.

“Well, you kept making fun of me for not using the Kuromi one!” Minhee whined defensively. “But yes, I’ve been using it, and it’s almost worn down, so I’m gonna need a new one.”

“And why do _I_ have to buy it!”

“What, I thought it’d be a cute little tradition for us to continue!”

“Explain how me spending _my_ money on _you_ is cute!”

“Hey, I never asked for the first two erasers! You willingly bought them for me!”

“That doesn’t mean I plan on buying you more!”

“Pretty please!”

“Gosh, are you gonna be this greedy once we actually become official?”

“I don’t know. Why don’t we see this Saturday?” Minhee said nonchalantly. He didn’t even realize what he had asked until the words had escaped his mouth. 

“What’s happening Saturday?” Eunsang questioned. 

Minhee cleared his throat before quietly muttering his answer. “Our first date?”

“Our first _what?!”_

Panic began to rush through Minhee’s system, and he quickly hung up before Eunsang could ask any more clarifying questions. Of course, Eunsang wasn’t having it because seconds later, he was already calling Minhee back. 

_Just get it over with. Just ask him._

His heartbeat continued to accelerate as he nervously pressed the green button. He knew there was no slowing down once their phones connected. 

“Will you go out with me?” Minhee blurted out as soon as he accepted the call.

“For real?” 

“For real. I’m ready now. Are you?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Then, does Saturday morning work for you?”

“Saturday morning sounds perfect.”

“Just like you,” murmured Minhee.

“Look at you being such a flirt already!” Eunsang giggled. “Save some of that for Saturday!”

They chatted for a bit longer, working out the specifics of their first date until Eunsang started to fall asleep.

“Good night, Eunsang,” Minhee whispered.

After ending the call, he spent the rest of the night screaming into his pillow and punching his mattress.

“When I asked him out last week, I was like, ‘Holy shit, I’m going on a date with Eunsang,’” Minhee explains. “But now, it’s Friday night, and I’m picking him up in twelve hours, and my whole brain is about to combust because _holy shit, I’m going on a date with Eunsang.”_

“You’re so dramatic,” Junho says, rolling his eyes at him. “I don’t get why you’re nervous.”

“Because I _still_ don’t understand how any of this works! Junho, help me out! You’re the only other person who knows him best.”

“Okay, tell me all the details about tomorrow.”

“I’m picking him up in the morning, then we’re driving to the amusement park,” says Minhee. “Is the amusement park an okay place for a first date? Oh my god, why are you looking at me like that! It’s a stupid idea, isn’t it?”

“I didn’t even say anything, can you relax!” scoffs Junho as he shuts off his phone. “Eunsang is the type to not care where you go or what you do. All he cares about is getting to spend time with you.”

“So, the amusement park is fine?”

“He’s a hopeless romantic,” Junho says reassuringly. “Literally, anything you do will sweep him off his feet.”

“Really?”

“Really. Bonus points if you buy him anything mint-chocolate flavored.”

“I still can’t believe that’s his favorite flavor.”

“It’s not bad.”

“Of course _you_ would say that.”

“Do you want my advice or not?”

“Okay, I’ll stop. What else should I keep in mind?”

“Just remember Eunsang chose you because he loves you. Even if you manage to _completely_ fuck-up—”

“Gee, thanks.”

“—He’ll still love you regardless of your shitty first date.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because when Eunsang loves someone, he loves them no matter what happens,” he sighs wistfully. “Even when he does stop loving you, he doesn’t actually let go. If he cares about you, he holds on and treasures the memories you guys made together.” Junho tries masking the melancholy tone in his voice, but his best friend notices it right away.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay with this?” Minhee asks.

“Minhee, I’ve told you so many times,” says Junho. “Both of you have my blessing.”

“Look, if you don’t want us getting together, I’ll cancel the date.”

“Well, in that case, give Eunsang a call right now.”

“Wait, what?”

“You fell for that?”

“You want me to call him?!”

“Sure, call him and tell him that I’m excited for both of you and hope you guys have a good time tomorrow.”

“Are you okay with this or not!”

“For the last time, I am!”

“Junho, I know what heartbreak is like, okay?” sighs Minhee. “It’s painful and persistent. Just when you think you’re finally okay, it sneaks up on you again and stabs you in the chest, and you’re back to feeling like you’re going to die again.” He stops for a bit, then sits down on the bed next to Junho. “If you’re not okay, just tell me now.”

Junho sits up from the bed. “Bittersweet,” he answers. “It’s bittersweet. That’s how I feel about all of this.”

Minhee gives him a slight nod, a silent indicator to keep going. 

“I’d be lying if I said getting over Eunsang was easy because it’s hard, to be honest.

It’s not like I’m hungover _him._ It’s more like—I don’t know—it’s more like I miss being in a relationship? Like, I miss waking up and knowing that even if it’s a shit day, I have someone who loves me. That someone will pick me up, hold me close, reassure me, and remind me that no matter what, I’ll always have them.

Now that I’m single again, I have to deal with life on my own. It’s just me now, and I alone have to tough it out. 

The first time Eunsang and I broke up, I told you the weirdest part of being single was I keep expecting things.

I keep expecting someone to remind me that I’ll always have them, then suddenly I’ll remember I don’t have anyone right now. Of course, I have you as my best friend, but you know what I mean. I don’t have a romantic partner to lean back on.

The thing is, when you’re in a relationship, you expect things. You know your partner, and you know what’s coming. But once you’re single and waiting to fall in love again? 

It’s all unexpected. 

Love is _terrifying,_ and when I meet someone new, I’m going to have to go through the roller-coaster of emotions in store for me. I haven’t experienced that in years, and it’ll be an unfamiliar experience when it happens. 

I think that’s the bitter part of all of this.”

“What’s the sweet part?” asks Minhee. Junho turns to him, and even though his eyes look sad, there’s a slight smile traced along his lips. 

“It’s you,” he answers, looking at Minhee with genuine appreciation. “You’re what makes this bitter situation so sweet.”

“Heck, I didn’t think you were capable of all this mushy-gushy, lovey-dovey garbage! I mean, you were always the type to close yourself off emotionally, never revealing your true feelings to anyone. I always assumed relationships weren’t your thing, so you never entered one, to begin with.

You always brought up how love was confusing and terrifying, and how you would never comprehend it like how you easily comprehended your favorite subjects. Honestly, you gave off the impression that you never wanted to fall in love and subject yourself to its torturous complexities.

But seeing you and watching you actually fall in love? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this happy, aside from when you got a perfect score on your biology final. Scratch that, I think you were happier back then; you didn’t shut up about your 100% for weeks. 

Speaking of 100%’s, dealing with the break-up is 100% worth it. Yes, it hurts, obviously, but it hurts a lot less knowing that _you_ won’t ever have to experience heartbreak again. Besides, you did the same for me and hid your crush for three years. It’s only fair I give you the chance to experience love.”

“So, you’re not okay with it?”

“Are you deaf?” Junho grabs a pillow off of Minhee’s bed and forcefully hits him with it. “Were you even listening to my incredibly eloquent—”

“More like overbearing and long-winded—”

“—monologue! Of course, I’m okay with it! Besides, I got the closure I needed, and now I can proceed to move on. It’ll take some time, but I promise you, nothing in this world makes me happier than the two of you. As long as I never lose both of you, and as long as you’re my best friend, everything will be alright.”

“You sure you’ll be okay?”

“That depends. Are _you_ okay?”

Minhee smiles at him and gives him a reassuring thumbs-up. “I think I am. I think I’m finally okay.”

“Good,” Junho says, squeezing Minhee’s arm. “Then, I’m okay too.”

“Junho, I love you.”

“I love you more, Minhee.”

—

Eunsang is frowning when he opens the door to greet Minhee the next morning. 

“Where are my flowers?” he says, not even trying to hide his disappointment.

“Was I supposed to bring some?!” exclaims a panicked Minhee, already anxious that he ruined their date.

“I was just joking!” Eunsang stifles back his laughter, amused at Minhee’s serious reaction.

“I’m sorry, it’s just I’ve never been in a relationship—like an actual one—so all of this is new, and I don’t know what I’m doing,” sighs Minhee, as he buries his face in his hands. “I _really_ don’t want to mess this up because you’re the first and only person I’ve ever liked. I just want this date to be perfect.”

“It already is,” Eunsang says lovingly. He wraps his arms tightly around Minhee’s neck, and the latter feels more at ease as he rests his chin on top of Eunsang’s head. 

After a few minutes of embracing, they head over to Minhee’s car, which is parked crooked along the curve.

“Oh, you’re driving?” Eunsang asks. 

“I mean, I have my license now, so I might as well,” Minhee explains as he unlocks his car. 

“Ooh, this should be fun!” Eunsang says ecstatically. He opens the door and slides into the passenger seat, already preparing to poke fun at his date.

“Yeah, I haven’t been to the amusement park in a while! I’m excited,” Minhee says as he buckles up and turns on the ignition.

“I’m not talking about the amusement park, silly,” Eunsang teases as Minhee pulls away from the curb. “I’m talking about watching you drive and making fun of you!”

“Criticize my driving, and I’m canceling our date,” grumbles Minhee as he turns on his signal. 

“Too bad you already bought our tickets!” Eunsang taunts.

“Fine, I won’t cancel our date, but don’t think it’s because I like you or anything!” Minhee argues, glancing over his shoulder before sharply swerving into the right lane. “I’m only agreeing to this so I don’t waste my money.”

“Excuses, excuses! Need I remind you _you’re_ the one who asked me out!”

“Need I remind you _you’re_ the one who chose _me!”_

“How long have you been in love with me again? Like three years?”

“Yeah, three years. Which is three years too long, if you ask me.”

“That’s _your_ problem, not— _holy crap,_ do you not know how to merge properly?!”

The rest of the journey is a cycle of Eunsang ridiculing Minhee’s rookie driving skills, a whiny Minhee threatening to end their relationship before it even started, and Eunsang retaliating by reminding him of his long-hidden feelings.

After forty-five minutes of playful bickering and Minhee getting honked at by passing cars, the two arrive at the amusement park.

“Your parking is so crooked!” laughs Eunsang once they exit the car. 

“It’s between the lines,” Minhee mutters as his ears turn pink. 

“The car is literally diagonal.”

“Fine,” Minhee snorts as he tosses his keys towards Eunsang. “You can fix my parking since you’re such an expert.”

Eunsang dangles the keys from his fingertips as he glances at the car with an anxious expression. “You know what,” he says, slipping the keys back into the pocket of Minhee’s jacket, “You’re in the space, I think we’ll be fine.”

“No, no,” Minhee says insistently, “We can’t just leave the car crooked. Go on and fix it for me.”

“We really shouldn’t waste time on this.”

“We’re still here in the parking lot, and the park doesn’t close until midnight. You have plenty of time to fix it.”

“Minhee, let’s just enjoy our date.”

“Why, are you scared to fix the parking?”

 _“No,_ I just want to go on rides already! 

“You suck at parking, too, don’t you?”

“Do not!”

“Someone’s getting defensive!”

“Am not!”

“You spent the whole ride nitpicking my driving, so since you’re _clearly_ a better driver, why don’t you show me your ways and park my car!”

“Minhee, the lines are gonna start getting long!”

“Speaking of lines, I bet you can’t even get the car in between them!”

“This is the worst first date ever!” Eunsang lashes out. 

Minhee quickly drops the teasing and begins frantically apologizing. “I’m sorry. I was just joking! I didn’t mean to upset you or—”

“Hah, gotcha!” Eunsang says proudly as a smug grin appears on his face. 

Once he realizes Eunsang is joking around again, Minhee forcefully jabs him in the arm with his elbow. “I can’t believe you!”

“I can’t believe you actually fell for it! You’re usually not this gullible!”

“I’ll get you back later!”

Eunsang laughs wholeheartedly before kissing his cheek and reaching for his hand. “Let’s just head in! The sooner we enter, the sooner we can have the _best_ first date ever!”

—

Minhee’s heart is still racing when they disembark their first ride, and _not_ because of the neverending chain of loops from the roller-coaster. 

His heart is racing because it finally hits him that Eunsang is actually _his,_ and this time, for real. 

Their romantic illusion has transformed into a romantic actuality, and Minhee finds himself even more mesmerized than he was before.

He wonders if Eunsang is mesmerized too. 

Eunsang indirectly answers the lingering question later in the afternoon. They're sitting down for lunch when Minhee notices Eunsang staring straight at him while he silently chews his food.

“You okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You’ve been zoning out.”

“Sorry, I was just looking at you. I know I said this before, but I think I could look at you forever.”

Minhee’s heart continues racing for the rest of the day.

Once they finish devouring their lunch, Eunsang excitedly grabs onto Minhee’s sleeve, pulling him towards the next attraction he wants to ride.

“A _merry-go-round?”_ Minhee snickers.

“What!” Eunsang says defensively.

“Isn’t that for little kids?”

“So are fairytales, but that won’t stop me from enjoying them!”

“Fine, but we’re going on a thrill ride after this!” He pretends to be displeased with Eunsang’s choice, but he secretly can’t wait to get on the carousel either. Besides, Eunsang’s bright and innocent grin makes it all the more worth it.

Next, they go on a more exhilarating ride, just like Minhee insisted. It’s one of those drop tower rides, and even though Eunsang insists he isn’t afraid while waiting in-line, he tightly clutches onto Minhee’s arm, burying his face in his shoulder as the ride ascends towards the clouds. 

“Is it over yet?” Eunsang whimpers with his eyes closed.

“What do you think?”

“We still haven’t dropped yet?!”

“The ride won’t drop for a while, so you might as well open your eyes and enjoy the view.”

The second Eunsang lifts his head and opens his eyes, the ride plummets straight into the ground. 

Once they get off, Eunsang socks Minhee in the arm as punishment for forcing him to go on that ride, and Minhee just laughs and hugs him tight. 

After a few more hours of hopping from ride to ride, Eunsang starts to feel hungry again, so they head over to the ice-cream parlor. 

“One mint-chocolate for you,” Minhee says as he hands the cup of ice cream towards Eunsang, “And one cup of the superior ice cream flavor, strawberry, for me.”

“You remembered my favorite flavor?”

“Unfortunately.”

“Stop hating on mint-chocolate!”

“Then stop eating it.”

“Whatever,” Eunsang says, rolling his eyes as he takes a spoonful of his ice cream. “Anyway, I heard the Ferris wheel line is only ten minutes long, so let’s head there next!”

They sit quietly inside the gondola, mostly enjoying their ice cream and each other’s presence. Everything seems to have aligned perfectly today because the sun begins to set right as their gondola stops at the wheel’s peak. 

“Huh,” Minhee says quietly.

“What’s up?” Eunsang asks. 

“Nothing, it’s just, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more colorful sunset,” Minhee says in awe, refusing to look away from the yellow rays melting into the vivid, violet clouds. 

For years, Minhee watched life pass through a gray lens, but lately, his world has become saturated with rainbow hues, and he finds himself gravitated to every single one. 

The sun has set completely by the time they reach the bottom of the Ferris wheel.

“We got off just in time,” Eunsang says as they walk towards the center of the park, “The firework show is about to start!”

He reaches for Minhee’s hand, and they navigate their way through the crowd until they arrive at a confined area with a clear view of the sky. Minutes later, the first firework shoots up, with each spark of light swirling together to form a constellation-like image. 

Eunsang admires the streaks of gold flashing against the black sky with marvel, completely unaware that Minhee is looking at him instead of the fireworks. 

“This is so pretty,” Eunsang murmurs, eyes fixated on the bursts of color. “I’m wonderstruck.”

“So am I,” Minhee answers quietly.

He keeps looking at Eunsang until the final firework fizzles out. 

Once the show ends, the two decide to head back home so they can beat traffic. 

The drive is mostly quiet, except for Eunsang mumbling as he starts to drift off and cars continuously honking at Minhee. 

“Why do they keep honking at you?” asks a half-asleep Eunsang.

“I guess it’s because I’m a new driver,” Minhee answers.

The real reason keeps getting honked at because he isn't keeping his eyes on the road. He’s too busy catching secret glimpses of Eunsang.

Finally, they arrive at Eunsang’s place, and Minhee comes down to walk him to his door.

“That was fun,” Eunsang says once they reach the steps.

“I'm glad you had a good time,” says Minhee. He slowly reaches for Eunsang’s hand, squeezing it tight once their fingers are intertwined.

“I did. I really did.”

“Anything else you wanna say?”

“Nah.” Eunsang glances down to hide his sheepish look from Minhee, kicking the loose bits of gravel on the ground.

“We both know what you're going to say,” Minhee says, secretly enjoying Eunsang’s suddenly shy behavior.

“Then, you can just imagine me saying it.”

“But I wanna hear it come from you!”

“You already have!”

“Eunsang!”

“Minhee!”

“Say it!”

“Good night, Minhee!”

“Come here.” Minhee laughs as he pulls him close and wraps his arms around his neck. Eunsang pretends to be annoyed, but he snuggles against Minhee’s chest anyway, letting the warmth of his body wrap around him. Minhee delicately kisses the top of his head, with each kiss feeling as light as butterflies landing on his hair. 

“Did you grow recently?” Minhee says as he pulls away momentarily. 

“Not that I know of, why?” asks Eunsang. 

“Because I refuse to let you be the same height as me,” Minhee teases. 

“Oh, shut up!” Eunsang says as he pushes Minhee off.

“Well, if you grow any taller, I won't be able to kiss the top of your head.”

“Eh, I think I could live without it.”

“Fine, then I guess I’ll stop with the kisses.”

“No!” Eunsang jumps back into his arms, looking up at Minhee with a pleading pout. Minhee laughs before fulfilling his request and planting more tiny kisses on Eunsang’s head. 

When Eunsang looks up at him again, Minhee leans in. 

It’s a perfect kiss. 

Well, almost perfect. 

“I shouldn't have done that,” Minhee says after they release. 

“Why?” says Eunsang. “I didn’t mind.”

“No, I shouldn't have done that because your lips still taste like the mint-chocolate ice cream you ate earlier,” he says, grimacing as the distinct taste taints his tongue. 

“You’re so irritating!”

“I’m just saying!”

“Shouldn’t you be heading home now!”

“There’s one last thing I have to say before I leave.”

“If it’s you slandering my favorite flavor, then I don’t wanna hear it!”

“No, it’s not that. Besides, I’ll have more opportunities to slander it later.”

“Just say whatever you were about to say.”

“Remember when we were talking about color association?” Minhee says, shifting his tone to a more serious one. “When I asked you to explain why you associate me with yellow?”

“I remember,” Eunsang says as the conversation replays in his mind. “Continue.”

“You told me it was because the color yellow reminded you of streetlights and electricity. Then, you said it had to do with how you felt after that first slow-dance. You said you were left—”

“Wonderstruck. Struck with wonder.”

“You remember that, right?”

“I do. Why are you asking?”

“Because you, Lee Eunsang, have left me thoroughly and unquestionably _wonderstruck.”_

Eunsang goes quiet and stares straight at him, absolutely dumbfounded and mesmerized by his words. 

“That electrifying spark of wonder you described? I felt it tonight. I felt those sparks explode like the fireworks you were watching. 

But electric isn’t the word to describe it. No, I think a better word is _dreamlike._ Being struck by wonder doesn’t feel like being struck by lightning. It feels like being struck by magic and being teleported into a sweet dream I never want to wake up from.

That’s what being with _you_ feels like.” 

Eunsang doesn’t say anything back. He continues to look up at Minhee, hoping he doesn’t notice his eyes tearing up.

“I think I’ve discovered what that spark is,” says Minhee.

“Well, what is it?” Eunsang whispers. His voice is slightly hoarse from holding back tears. 

“It’s _love,”_ he answers breathlessly. 

“Love for me?” Eunsang chokes. 

“Of course,” says Minhee, barely managing to keep himself composed. “I love you.”

“Well, isn’t that nice!” Eunsang exclaims.

“Hey, you ruined the moment!” Minhee complains, pouting at his obnoxious outburst. 

“I had to!” Tears begin sliding down Eunsang’s cheeks as he lets out a lighthearted laugh.

“Why are you crying!”

“Because I was right. I was right this whole time.”

“About what?

“When I said you’d make a perfect boyfriend,” Eunsang says, reminiscing over that rainy day. “Somehow, you’re even more perfect than I ever could’ve imagined.”

He chuckles while dabbing at his teary eyes with the sleeve of his jacket. “What the _fuck,_ Minhee! Your stupid, sappy, sentimental speech made me cry!”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing!”

“So what, you want me to break down into a sobbing mess?!”

“I would’ve found it cute!”

“Well, _I_ would’ve found it humiliating!”

“That’s the cute part!”

“Whatever!” Eunsang says as he wipes his face. 

“Aren’t you gonna say it back?” Minhee asks.

“As I said, you can imagine me saying it.”

“You wouldn’t acknowledge it five minutes ago, so now’s your chance!”

“I’ll pass!”

“C’mon, shouldn't we end our first date on a high note!”

“Minhee, I refuse to end our date by admitting that I love you.”

“Admitting what?”

“Admitting that I love you.”

“I didn’t hear you. Can you say that last part again?”

“‘I love you?’”

“Hah, I told you I’d get you back!” 

“Shut up, that doesn’t count!” 

“You said it didn’t you?”

“You're the absolute worst!”

“But you’re not denying it!”

“Now, I am! I didn’t say anything! Blah blah blah!” 

“You love me!”

“You’re the one who was pining for me for three years!”

“Hey, you liked me back then, and you love me now!”

“Ugh, I’m too tired to argue with you.”

“So, by default, this means you love me?”

“I guess.”

“You’re just not gonna say it, are you?” Minhee sighs defeatedly.

“Nope, so you might as well give up,” Eunsang says before smiling victoriously. 

“Fine,” Minhee says dramatically. “I guess I’ll be heading home now.” He pretends to be distraught, hoping to guilt-trip Eunsang into saying those three words, but he simply rolls his eyes at him.

“Get some sleep, okay?” he says. “We were out all afternoon.”

“Don't worry. I will.” Minhee turns around and starts to head back to his car, satisfied with their first date despite Eunsang’s stubborn refusal to admit that—

“I really do love you, in case it wasn’t obvious.” 

Eunsang utters that sentence in a barely-audible whisper, and if Minhee weren’t paying attention, he wouldn’t have heard it.

But he does. He hears it, and soon enough, he’s running back to Eunsang’s front door and grabbing onto the collar of his shirt.

It takes everything for Minhee not to yank him closer and kiss him right then and there. His heartbeat is only beating faster and faster, and the urge to kiss him is only growing stronger and stronger. So, he caves in, allowing himself to meet Eunsang’s lips and satisfy his craving. 

Eunsang instinctively wraps his arms around Minhee’s neck, clutching him tight and refusing to let him pull away. 

The first time Eunsang kissed him in his room, Minhee thought it couldn’t get any better than that.

He was usually right about a lot of things, but this time, he was wrong.

They’d kissed a lot of times before, but this kiss topped every single one of those.

This kiss was different.

This kiss was electric.

This kiss was dreamlike.

This kiss was real.

This kiss left them both thoroughly and unquestionably wonderstruck, practically paralyzed with wonder.

“I’m sorry,” Minhee says, keeping his forehead pressed against Eunsang’s. “I just had to.”

“Don’t apologize,” Eunsang says, gasping for air between his words. “You said we should end our date on a high note.”

“I don’t want this date to end at all,” he whispers, still breathing heavily.

“Well, we can’t go on another date until we end this one,” laughs Eunsang.

“Good point.” Minhee reluctantly pulls away, not wanting to wake up from this dream. “So, I guess that’s my cue to leave.”

“Sadly. I miss you already.”

“Ew, you’re so cheesy!”

“Weren’t you supposed to leave like five minutes ago!”

“Alright, alright, I’ll go now!”

“Don’t forget to message me once you get home.”

“I will. Good night, Eunsang.”

“Good night, Minhee. Sweet dreams, my prince.” 

—

“I realized something the other day,” Eunsang mentions a few weeks later. 

They’re in Minhee’s room, dressed up in warm, cozy matching pajamas. Minhee had argued that wearing matching pajamas was downright cringe, and only weird, obsessive couples did that sort of thing. However, Eunsang knew Minhee secretly thought the Rilakkuma-printed PJs were adorable, and that he would eventually comply if he pleaded enough. 

The two were cuddling underneath the blankets of their homemade pillow fort while reading their newly checked-out books. Eunsang snuggled up next to Minhee, resting his head on his chest while his boyfriend played with his hair. 

Minhee stops reading and glances down at him. “What was it?” 

“Since Junho picked up the phone that one night, I _technically_ never got to hear your confession.”

Minhee’s ears turn bright pink, and he quickly picks his book up again. “Uh, don’t worry about it.”

“C’mon, I gave you this grand confession with a new eraser and everything, and I can’t even hear yours!” whines Eunsang.

“Hey, I confessed to you that day, too!” Minhee says defensively. “Not to mention my whole spiel after our first date! Isn’t that enough!” 

“Well, Junho mentioned something about a letter,” says Eunsang. “Can I at least read it?”

“Let me think about it,” says Minhee, still looking at his book. “No.”

Eunsang sits up and slams his book shut, using the heavy hardcover to whack Minhee in the shoulder. “Jerk.”

“Is that any way to talk to your boyfriend?” says Minhee as he gets up and smacks him back.

“Withholding a love letter you wrote for _me_ isn’t exactly chivalrous either.”

“Eunsang, it’s highly classified information. Besides, I wrote that stupid letter three years ago. Everything I wrote is outdated and doesn’t really apply anymore.”

“Then, write me another one.”

“You want me to?”

“Unless you’d rather show me the old one.”

“No, I’m good. I’ll just write you a new one.”

“I’m expecting proper formatting and punctuation, by the way.”

“Eunsang, it’s a love letter, not an essay.”

“Okay, write me an essay.”

“You know how much I hate writing!”

“C’mon, I wanna read what you have to say!”

“Honestly, I was planning on writing like four sentences tops. _Maybe_ five if I was feeling generous.”

“Boo, bad boyfriend alert!” Eunsang says, hitting Minhee over the head with one of the pillows.

“Darn, if I’m such a bad boyfriend, maybe I should just break up with you,” Minhee sighs.

“You would never,” scoffs Eunsang. 

“And what makes you say so sure?” Minhee says coyly.

Without warning, Eunsang latches onto a confused Minhee’s shoulder and leans in until their noses touch ever-so-slightly. 

“Because Prince Charming usually ends up with the protagonist at the end of fairy tales, doesn’t he?” Eunsang says softly.

“He does,” Minhee whispers back before sealing the gap with a dreamlike kiss.

—

_Eunsang,_

_I’ve never really understood what love is. It’s never made sense to me. It wasn’t something that I could observe or an equation that I could solve._

_Back then, I thought I had finally figured it out._

_I thought I figured it out when you bought me that Kuromi eraser, and when you held my hand tight after you placed it in my palm and closed my fingers around it. I thought I figured it out when we started pretending to date. I thought I figured it out when you broke my heart. I thought I figured it out when you chose me._

_I was wrong. To be honest, I still haven’t really figured out what love is._

_And that’s okay._

_I don’t think I’ll ever understand love. I mean, yes, we’re together, but now there are new things I have to try and comprehend. Like, do I surprise you with flowers on our dates? If so, what type of flowers? Is color a factor? I read somewhere that different colored roses mean different messages, so do I have to learn that too? They didn’t teach me about flower language in biology class! What if I’m just trying to be a nice boyfriend and give you some yellow blossoms, only for them to translate to “Your breath stinks.”_

_Relationships are quite confusing, aren’t they? Of course, you already know that._

_There is one thing I understand for sure:_

_What I have with you is real._

_I know it’s real because of the way my heart races whenever I’m reminded of you._

_It’s just like how your heart races whenever you visit Parisian cafes and libraries,_

_or whenever you surprise people with freshly baked cookies,_

_or whenever you grab the person next to you whenever you laugh out loud,_

_or whenever you’re affectionate with others,_

_or whenever you’re rereading your favorite book at the bus stop or library,_

_or whenever you’re humming along to songs when you think nobody is listening,_

_or whenever you’re dreaming about faraway fairy tales in made-up lands, and slow-dancing under white stars and yellow street lights._

_And all those little details about you I just listed? Those are the reasons my heart races every time it hits me, and I remember that you’re really mine. Now that you’re mine, I have more opportunities to learn more little details about you._

_Like how you practically charge through the library's glass doors to catch a glimpse of the new books. You’ll spend ages meticulously observing each shelf in search of the perfect read. I’ll pretend to be annoyed, but you know me and my antics by now, so you’ll just roll your eyes at me and continue scanning every book._

_Once you’ve finally found a new story to obsess over, we’ll head to our spot, just like we always do, holding hands across the table._

_Then, you’ll ramble on-and-on about how good this new book you're reading is and why I must read it next. It’s absolutely endearing. You know what else is endearing? When you audibly gasp whenever a plot twist occurs, then you’ll frustratedly hold back your scream and pound your head against the table. There are times where you can’t contain your emotions, and you’ll end up causing an obnoxious ruckus, so I’ll place my finger on your lips to shush you. You always get flustered whenever I do that, and you’ll swat my hand away and try to conceal your flushed face._

_Sometimes, you'll drift off while reading, murmuring random nonsense in your sleep. Afterward, you’ll whine like a little kid whenever I wake you up from your impromptu naps._

_Then, you’ll say you don’t want to get up because you’re not ready to let go of my hand just yet._

_That last one isn’t my favorite detail, but it’s definitely up there._

_That’s not even the gist of it. There are so many more reasons my heart keeps racing at the thought of you._

_Like how my jokes fly over your head, and you’ll sometimes think I’m serious whenever I make a sarcastic remark._

_Or how about how you’ll always make fun of my parking job, but panic when I tell you to fix it for me._

_Here’s another good one: when you’ll pretend to get mad whenever I tease you for being shorter than me, even though you secretly enjoy the height difference. After all, you’re a sucker for kisses on the top of your head._

_Let’s not forget how, despite your initial refusal, you continue to buy me more cute erasers. You’ll always say, “Okay, that’s the last one for real,” only to show up with another new eraser a week later._

_You also remembered that I couldn’t stand mint-chocolate, so you’ll always offer to eat it for me. Not only that, but you also remembered my affinity for strawberries, and let me just say, nothing will ever top your strawberry cupcakes._

_Even just listening to you talk makes me feel giddy and fluttery. I could listen to you talk about your favorite things or relay random little anecdotes all day._

_I’m well-aware this letter is starting to get long, but I can’t help it. There are so many little things that I love about you._

_For instance, you transformed yellow, a color I previously never cared for, into the most radiant one of all._

_Being with you has turned my once-colorless world into a painted fairytale._

_But I think my ultimate, favorite new detail about you is how you always make sure to send a goodnight text. No matter how late it is and no matter how exhausted you are, you never forget to text me, “Sweet dreams, my prince.”_

_This might sound depressing, but ever since we got together, I haven’t had any sweet dreams._

_The thing is, I don’t need to._

_I don’t need to because you managed to do something I thought was impossible. You managed to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and stitch them back together. Somehow, you proved to me there’s a reason people fall in love._

_I don’t need to because all those sweet dreams about calling you mine have turned into a sweet reality._

_That’s why your midnight messages are my favorite detail because they’re simple reminders that what I have with you is real._

_I’m enchanted by small details like this, and with every new detail about you I learn, I discover more reasons to fall more and more in love with you if that’s even possible._

_I’d like to think it’s possible._

_So maybe I don’t understand flower language. Maybe I don’t understand how relationships work. Maybe I don’t understand love._

_But I understand this:_

_I love you, Eunsang._

_I love you so much._

_That makes sense to me, and that’s all that matters._

_Love, Minhee_

_P.S. Obviously, I wrote more than five sentences, and I also used proper mechanics just as you requested, so I better get a Best Boyfriend Award for this!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read the Afterword posted in the next chapter for my final thoughts tysm!! <3


	14. Afterword (Playlist + Q&A!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Link to Reality playlist on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/33sdFRylB0II26mh4hAkpL?si=mvVt6v48QXOHLP9JAfAWGw

AW;OIREJGO;IAWEEWI;OGNFEAOIWJFOIWAEIOOI’AWE

OKAY HI I’M VERY EMOTIONAL RIGHT NOW BECAUSE AS OF NOW I HAVE JUST FINISHED THE FINAL CHAPTER OF REALITY ARRGHAEWIFJAWOJFAWO;ISJMVF

GAHHHH WHERE DO I EVEN START OH MY GOD

Okay, let me try to be more serious and composed. 

As of writing this, _Reality_ is the first chaptered fanfiction I have completed. This is a huge accomplishment for me. 

I started the first draft of _Reality_ around November. Between school, dealing with the mental toll of quarantine and other personal issues, and writing other AUs and one-shots in between, this fic has taken nine months to write.

Nine months. A literal baby could have been forming throughout this journey. 

There’s a lot I wanted to mention in this afterword, but I’m suddenly struggling to find the words.

First, as you may have noticed, at the start of each chapter is the phrase,

_[insert cassette #: song title by artist]._

I handpicked each of these songs, with the lyrics/mood of each one corresponding with their respective chapters. These songs have been compiled into a Spotify playlist. The playlist has been linked in the author’s notes at the beginning! For those who decide to listen, I hope the songs bring you the same emotions you felt while reading!

Secondly, if there’s enough interest, I’d love to do a Q&A! I don’t have a CuriousCat, so I think this would be the best way for you guys to ask any lingering questions about the story or me in general. Not gonna lie, this will probably flop! :D But if I get enough questions, I’ll be happy to post a Q&A for the next chapter. If I don’t get any questions, no worries! Your feedback alone has been an extreme confidence booster for me. 

This ties into my last point: THANK YOU SO MUCH TO EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO HAS READ, COMMENTED, BOOKMARKED, SUBSCRIBED, AND GIFTED A KUDOS TO THIS WORK!

When I posted Chapter 1 way back in February, I anticipated around 20 kudos tops. But as of posting this, _Reality_ currently has 108 kudos and over 1000 hits, which I can’t thank you enough for!

I’m not the best at responding to comments, but if you’ve ever left a comment on _Reality_ (or any of my works for that matter), just know I reread them every single day and tear up. Even the shortest comments are precious to me, and it’s all because of you guys, I had the strength and motivation to pull through and complete this story.

Sorry, despite being a writer, I’m not really good at being sappy and expressing myself kekeke. But just know, even if you hated reading this fic, I STILL LOVE YOU ANYWAY FOR EVEN CLICKING IT AND GIVING ME A CHANCE <3

Anyway, here are my plans now that _Reality_ is completed. I’ll probably be taking a short break, but please anticipate the following projects!

— THE BEST MAN: The final chapter of this fic will be posted as soon as I return from my break. For those of you who haven’t read it, it’s a Minisong (centric) fic about their first meeting during Jungmo and Woobin’s wedding. It’s a lot shorter than _Reality _, and as of now, it’s only 4k words long.__

__— ARE YOU BORED YET?: fluffy hamlem one-shot_ _

__—COUNTLESSLY YOURS [TITLE SUBJECT TO CHANGE]: chaptered gongtang fic_ _

__Of course, you are by no means obligated to read these. But if you enjoyed reading _Reality_ , feel free to stick around for these works. I also have five other one-shots posted on AO3, as well as IZ*ONE, X1, and Cravity socmed AUs posted on my Twitter (@deovity)._ _

__I really can’t thank you guys enough for the support from this fic! If you would like me to do a Q &A, please leave your question in the comments below. As stated earlier, I’ll post my answers in a separate chapter if I have enough questions. _ _

__If you enjoyed _Reality_ , please leave some kudos and comments! It may seem small, but it honestly is such a huge motivator!_ _

__Love, lusthees <3_ _


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